awkward for me, too.»
«So how about our going back to where we were
before?»
«Back to?»
«Just friends, that`s all. Just hanging out after the
group, like all the others do here, except for my buddy,
Philip, who`s coming around.» Tony reached over and gave
Philip`s shoulder an affectionate squeeze. «You know,
talking about the group, your telling me about books, all
that stuff.»
«That sounds adult,” answered Pam. «And...it would
be a first for me—usually after an affair I make a clean
tumultuous break.»
Bonnie volunteered, «I wonder, Pam, if you keep
your distance from Tony because you fear he will interpret
a friendly overture as a sexual invitation.»
«Yeah, exactly—there is that—that`s an important
part of it. Tony does get a bit single–minded.»
«Well,” said Gill, «there`s an obvious remedy: just
clear the air. Be straight with him. Ambiguity makes things
worse. Couple of weeks ago I heard you raise the
possibility that maybe the two of you can get together later
after the group ends—is that real or just a phony way of
softening the let–down? It just muddies the waters. Keeps
Tony hanging.»
«Yep, right on!» said Tony. «That statement a couple
weeks ago about our possibly continuing sometime in the
future was big for me. I`m trying to keep everything on an
even keel so I can keep that possibility open.»
«And,” said Julius, «in so doing, you forfeit the
opportunity of doing some work on yourself while this
group and I are still available to you.»
«You know, Tony,” said Rebecca, «getting laid is not
the most important thing, not theonly thing, in the world.»
«I know, I know, that`s why I`m bringing this up
today. Give me a break.»
After a short silence Julius said, «So, Tony, keep
working on this.»
Tony faced Pam. «Let`s do what Gill said—clear the
air—as adults. What do you want?»
«What I want is to go back to where we were before.
I want you to forgive me for embarrassing you by springing
the confession. You`re a dear man, Tony, and I care for
you. The other day I overheard my undergraduate students
using this new term,fuck–buddies —perhaps that`s what we
were and it was fun then but it`s a bad idea now or in the
future—the group takes precedence. Let`s concentrate on
working on our stuff.»
«Okay by me. I`m up for it.»
«So, Tony,” said Julius, «you`re liberated—you`re
now free to talk about all the thoughts you`ve been holding
back lately—about yourself, Pam, or the group.»
In the remaining meetings the liberated Tony returned to
his instrumental role in the group. He urged Pam to deal
with her feelings about Philip. When the potential
breakthrough following her praise of Philip as a teacher
never materialized, he pressed her to work harder on why
she kept her resentment of Philip red–hot yet could find
forgiveness for others in the group.
«I`ve already said,” Pam answered, «that obviously
it`s much easier to forgive others, like Rebecca, or Stuart,
or Gill, because I was not a personal victim of their offense.
My life wasn`t altered by what they did. But there`s more. I
can forgive others here because they`ve shown remorse
and, above all, because they`ve changed.
«I`ve changed. I do believe, now, it`s possible to
forgive the person but not the act. I think I might be
capable of forgiving a changed Philip.But he hasn`t
changed. You ask why I can forgive Julius—well, look at
him: he never stops giving. And, as I`m sure you`ve all
figured out, he`s been giving us a final gift of love: he`s
teaching us how to die. I knew the old Philip, and I can
attest he`s the same man you see sitting here. If anything,
he`s colder and more arrogant.»
After a short pause she added, «And an apology from
him wouldn`t hurt.»
«Philip, not changed?» said Tony. «I think you`re
seeing what you want to see. All those women he used to
chase—that`schanged.» Tony turned to Philip. «You
haven`t really spelled it out, but it`s different. Right?»
Philip nodded. «My life has been very different—I
have been with no woman in twelve years.»
«You don`t callthat change?» Tony asked Pam.
«Or reform?» said Gill.
Before Pam could respond, Philip interjected,
«Reform? No, that`s inaccurate. The idea ofreformation
played no role. Let me clarify: I have not changed my life,
or, as it`s been put here, my sex addiction, by virtue of
some moral resolution. I changed because my life was
agony—no longer bearable.»
«How did you take that final step? Was there a last–straw event?» asked Julius.
Philip hesitated as he considered whether to answer
Julius. Then he inhaled deeply and began, speaking
mechanically as though wound up with a key: «One night I
was driving home after a long orgy with an exceptionally
beautiful woman and thought that now, if ever in my life, I
had gotten all I wanted. I had had my surfeit. The aroma of
sexual juices in the car was overpowering. Everything
reeked of fetid flesh: the air, my hands, my hair, my
clothes, my breath. It was as though I had just bathed in a
tub of female musk. And then, on the horizon of my mind I
could spot it—desire was gathering strength, readying to
rear its head again.That was the moment. Suddenly my life
made me sick, and I began to vomit. And it was then,”
Philip turned to Julius, «when your comment about my
epitaph came to mind. Andthat was when I realized that
Schopenhauer was right: life is forever a torment, and
desire is unquenchable. The wheel of torment would spin
forever; I had to find a way to get off the wheel, and it was
then I deliberately set about patterning my life after his.»
«And it`s worked for you all these years?» said
Julius.
«Until now, until this group.»
«But you`re so much better now, Philip,” said
Bonnie. «You`re so much more in touch, so much more
approachable. I`ll tell you the truth—the way you were
when you first started here...I mean I could never have
imagined me or anyone else consulting you as a counselor.»
«Unfortunately,” Philip responded, «being вЂin touch`
here means that I must share everyone`s unhappiness. That
simply compounds my misery. Tell me, how can this
вЂbeing in touch` possibly be useful? When I was вЂin life` I
was miserable. For the past twelve years I have been a
visitor to life, an observer of the passing show, and»—
Philip spread his fingers and raised and lowered his hands
for emphasis—«I have lived in tranquillity. And now that
this group has compelled me to once again be вЂin life,` I am
once again in anguish. I mentioned to you my agitation
after that group meeting a few weeks ago. I have not
regained my former equanimity.»
«I think there`s a flaw in your reasoning, Philip,”
said Stuart, «and that has to do with your statement that you
were вЂin life.`”
Bonnie leaped in, «I was going to say the same thing.
I don`t believe you were ever in life, notreally in life.
You`ve never talked about having a real loving
relationship. I`ve heard nothing about male friends, and, as
for women, you say yourself that you were a predator.»
«That true, Philip?» asked Gill. «Have there never
been any real relationships?»
Philip shook his head. «Everyone with whom I`ve
interacted has caused me pain.»
«Your parents?» asked Stuart.
