of thoughts about him and smashing it on the floor. Then I
saw myself bending over, examining the fragments. I could
see his face, his seedy apartment, my soiled youth, my
disillusionment with academic life, I saw my lost friend
Molly—and as I looked at this heap of wreckage I knew
what had happened to me was just...just...unforgivable.»
«I remember Philip saying that unforgiving and
unforgivable were two different things,” said Stuart.
«Right, Philip?»
Philip nodded.
«Not sure I get that,” said Tony.
«Unforgivable,” said Philip, «keeps the responsibility
outside of oneself, whereas unforgiving places the
responsibility on one`s own refusal to forgive.»
Tony nodded. «The difference between taking the
responsibility for what you do or blaming it on someone
else?»
«Precisely,” said Philip, «and, as I`ve heard Julius
say, therapy begins when blame ends and responsibility
emerges.»
«Quoting Julius again, Philip, I like it,” said Tony.
«You make my words sound better than I do,” said
Julius. «And again I experience you drawing closer. I like
that.»
Philip smiled almost imperceptibly. When it was
clear he was not planning to respond further, Julius
addressed Pam: «Pam, what are you feeling?»
«To be honest, I`m floored by how hard everyone
struggles to see change in Philip. He picks his nose, and
everyone oohs and aahs. It`s a joke how his pompous and
trite remarks arouse such reverence.» Mimicking Philip,
she said in a singsong cadence, «Therapy begins when
blame ends and responsibility emerges.»Then, in a raised
voice: «And what aboutyour responsibility, Philip? Not a
goddamn word about it except some bullshit about all your
brain cells changing and therefore it wasn`t you who did
anything. No,you weren`t there.»
After an awkward silence, Rebecca said softly,
«Pam, I want to point out that youare able to forgive.
You`ve forgiven a lot of things. You said you forgave me
for my excursion into prostitution.»
«No victim there—except you,” responded Pam
quickly.
«And,” continued Rebecca, «we`ve all taken note of
how you forgave Julius, instantly, for his indiscretions. You
forgave him without knowing or inquiring whether some of
his friends were injured by his actions.»
Pam softened her voice. «His wife had just died. He
was in shock. Imagine losing someone you had loved since
high school. Give him a break.»
Bonnie pitched in, «You forgave Stuart for his sexual
adventure with a troubled lady and even forgave Gill for
withholding his alcoholism from us for so long. You`ve
done a lot of forgiving. Why not Philip?»
Pam shook her head. «It`s one thing to forgive
someone for an offense to someone else—quite another
thing when you`re the victim.»
The group listened sympathetically but nonetheless
continued. «And, Pam,” said Rebecca, «I forgive you for
trying to make John leave his two young children.»
«Me, too,” said Gill. «And I`ll eventually forgive you
for what you did with Tony here. How about you? Do you
forgive yourself for springing that вЂconfession day` and
dumping him in public?—that was humiliating.»
«I`ve apologized publicly for not consulting with him
about the confession. I was guilty there of extreme
thoughtlessness.»
Gill persisted, «There`s something else, though: do
you forgive yourself for using Tony?»
«Using Tony?» said Pam. «IusedTony ? What are you
talking about?»
«Seems like your whole relationship was one thing—
and a far more important thing—to him than to you. Seems
like you weren`t relating so much to Tony but to others,
perhaps even to Philip,through Tony.»
«Oh, Stuart`s cockamamie idea—I`ve never bought
into that,” said Pam.
«Used?» interjected Tony. «You think I was used?
No complaints here about that—I`m up for being used like
that any time.»
«Come on, Tony,” said Rebecca, «stop playing
games. Stop thinking with your little head.»
«Little head?»
«Your cock!»
When Tony broke into a big lascivious smile,
Rebecca barked, «You bastard, you knew what I meant!
You just wanted to hear me talk dirty. Get serious, Tony,
we don`t have much time left here. You can`t really be
saying you weren`t affected by what happened with Pam.»
Tony stopped smiling, «Well, being suddenly
dumped felt...you know, thrown away. But I`m still
hoping.»
«Tony,” said Rebecca, «you`ve still got a lot of work
to do on relating to a woman. Quit begging—it`s
demeaning. I hear you saying they can use you in any
goddamned way they want because there`s only one thing
you want from them: to get laid. That`s belittling
yourself—and them too.»
«I didn`t think I was using Tony,” said Pam.
«Everything felt mutual to me. But, to be honest, at the time
I didn`t reflect much. I just acted on automatic pilot.»
«As did I, long ago. Automatic pilot,” Philip said
softly.
Pam was startled. She looked at Philip for a few
seconds and then gazed downward.
«I have a query for you,” said Philip.
When Pam did not look up, he added, «A query
foryou, Pam.»
Pam raised her head and faced him. Other members
exchanged glances.
«Twenty minutes ago you said вЂdisillusionmentwith
academic life.` And yet a few weeks ago you said that
when you applied to grad school, you seriously considered
philosophy, even working on Schopenhauer. If that is so,
then I put this question to you:could I have been that
disastrous a teacher? ”
«Inever said you were a bad teacher,” replied Pam.
«You were one of the best teachers I`ve ever had.»
Astonished, Philip stared hard at her.
«Talk about what you`re feeling, Philip,” urged
Julius.
When Philip refused to answer, Julius said, «You
remember everything, every word, Pam says. I think she
matters a great deal to you.»
Philip remained silent.
Julius turned toward Pam. «I`m thinking about your
words—that Philip was one of the best teachers you ever
had. That must have compounded your sense of
disappointment and betrayal.»
«Amen. Thanks, Julius, you`re always there.»
Stuart repeated her words, «One of the best teachers
you ever had!I`m absolutely floored by that. I`m floored by
your saying something so...so generous, to Philip. That`s a
huge step.»
«Don`t make too much of it,” said Pam. «Julius hit
the nail on the head: if anything, his being a good teacher
made what he did even more egregious.»
Tony, taking to heart Gill`s comments about his
relationship with Pam, opened the next meeting by
addressing Pam directly. «This is...like awkward, but I
been holding something back. I want to say that I`m feeling
more bummed out about us than I`ve admitted. I haven`t
done anything wrong to you—you and I were...uh
together...mutual about the sex, and yet now I`m the
person non grata—”
«Personanon grata,” whispered Philip gently.
«Persona non grata.» Tony continued, «And I feel
I`m being punished. We`re not close anymore, and I guess I
miss that. It seems like we were once friends, then lovers,
and now...it`s like...in limbo...nothing...you avoid me.
And Gill`s right: getting dumped in public was humiliating
as hell. Right now I get nothing from you—not getting laid,
not being friends.»
«Oh Tony, I am so so sorry. I know. I made a
mistake—I—we—should never have done this. It`s
