Philip, exhausted, slumped back in his chair. After a few

moments, eyes turned to Pam, who, unappeased, addressed the

whole group: «Don`t you get that I`m not talking about a single

past criminal act. I`m talking about an ongoing way of being in the

world. Weren`t you all chilled just now when Philip described his

behavior in our act of love as his ‘obligations to our social

contract`? And what about his comments that, despite three years

with Julius, he felt understood for the ‘first time` only when he

read Schopenhauer. You all know Julius. Can you believe that after

three years Julius did not understand him?»

The group remained silent. After several moments Pam

turned to Philip. «You want to know the reason you felt understood

by Schopenhauer and not Julius? I`ll tell you why: because

Schopenhauer is dead, dead over one hundred and forty years, and

Julius is alive. And you don`t know how to relate to the living.»

Philip did not look as though he would respond, and

Rebecca rushed in, «Pam, you`re being vicious. What will it take to

appease you?»

«Philip`s not evil, Pam,” said Bonnie, «he`s broken. Can`t

you see that? Don`t you know the difference?»

Pam shook her head and said, «I can`t go any farther today.»

After a palpably uncomfortable silence Tony, who had been

uncharacteristically quiet, intervened. «Philip, I`m not pulling a

rescue here, but I`ve been wondering something. Have you had any

follow–up feelings to Julius`s telling us a few months ago about his

sexual stuff after his wife died?»

Philip seemed grateful for the diversion. «What

feelingsshould I have?»

«I don`t know about the ‘should.` I`m just asking what

youdid feel. Here`s what I`m wondering: when you were first

seeing him in therapy, would you have felt Julius understood you

more if he revealed that he too had personal experience with sexual

pressure?»

Philip nodded. «That`s an interesting question. The answer

is, maybe, yes. It might have helped. I have no proof, but

Schopenhauer`s writings suggest that he had sexual feelings

similar to mine in intensity and relentlessness. I believe that`s why

I felt so understood by him.

«But there`s something I`ve omitted in talking about my

work with Julius, and I want to set the record straight. When I told

him that his therapy had failed to be of value to me in any way, he

confronted me with the same question raised in the group a little

while ago: why would I want such an unhelpful therapist for a

supervisor? His question helped me recall a couple of things from

our therapy that stuck with me and had, in fact, proved useful.»

«Like what?» asked Tony.

«When I described my typical routinized evening of sexual

seduction—flirtation, pickup, dinner, sexual consummation—and

asked him whether he was shocked or disgusted, he responded

only that it seemed like an exceptionally boring evening. That

response shocked me. It got me realizing how much I had

arbitrarily infused my repetitive patterns with excitement.»

«And the other thing that stuck with you?» asked Tony.

«Julius once asked what epitaph I might request for my

tombstone. When I didn`t come up with anything, he offered a

suggestion: ‘He fucked a lot.` And then he added that the same

epitaph could serve for my dog as well.»

Some members whistled or smiled. Bonnie said, «That`s

mean, Julius.»

«No,” Philip said, «it wasn`t said in a mean way—he meant

to shock me, to wake me up. And itdid stick with me, and I think it

played a role in my decision to change my life. But I guess I

wanted to forget these incidents. Obviously, I don`t like

acknowledging that he`s been helpful.»

«Do you know why?» asked Tony.

«I`ve been thinking about it. Perhaps I feel competitive. If he

wins, I lose. Perhaps I don`t want to acknowledge that his

approach to counseling, so different from mine, works. Perhaps I

don`t want to get too close to him. Perhaps she,” Philip nodded

toward Pam, «is right: I can`t relate to a living person.»

«At least not easily,” said Julius. «But you`re getting closer.»

And so the group continued over the next several weeks: perfect

attendance, hard productive work, and, aside from repeated

anxious inquiries into Julius`s health and the ongoing tension

between Pam and Philip, the group felt trusting, intimate,

optimistic, even serene. No one was prepared for the bombshell

about to hit the group.

Self—Therapy

_________________________

When a man like

me is born

there remains

only one thing

to be desired

from without—

that throughout

the whole of

his life he can

as much as

possible be

himself and

live for his

intellectual

powers.

_________________________

More than anything else, the autobiographical «About Me» is a

dazzling compendium of self–therapy strategies that helped

Schopenhauer stay afloat psychologically. Though some strategies,

devised in anxiety storms at 3A.M. and rapidly discarded at dawn,

were fleeting and ineffective, others proved to be enduring

bulwarks of support. Of these, the most potent was his unswerving

lifelong belief in his genius.

Even in my youth I noticed in myself that, whereas others

strived for external possessions, I did not have to turn to such

things because I carried within me a treasure infinitely more

valuable than all external possessions; and the main thing was

to enhance the treasure for which mental development and

complete independence are the primary conditions.... Contrary

to nature and the rights of man, I had to withdraw my powers

from the advancement of my own well–being, in order to

devote them to the service of mankind. My intellect belonged

not to me but to the world.

The burden of his genius, he said, made him more anxious

and uneasy than he already was by virtue of his genetic makeup.

For one thing, the sensibility of geniuses causes them to suffer

more pain and anxiety. In fact, Schopenhauer persuades himself,

there is a direct relationship between anxiety and intelligence.

Hence, not only do geniuses have an obligation to use their gift for

mankind, but, because they are meant to devote themselves

entirely to the fulfilling of their mission, they were compelled to

forego the many satisfactions (family, friends, home, accumulation

of wealth) available to other humans.

Again and again he calmed himself by reciting mantras

based on the fact of his genius: «My life is heroic and not to be

measured by the standards of Philistines, shopkeepers or ordinary

men.... I must therefore not be depressed when I consider how I

lack those things that are part of an individual`s regular course of

life.... therefore it cannot surprise me if my personal life seems

incoherent and without any plan.» Schopenhauer`s belief in his

genius served also to provide him with a perduring sense of life

meaning: throughout his life he regarded himself as a missionary

of truth to the human race.

Loneliness was the demon that most plagued Schopenhauer,

and he grew adept at constructing defenses against it. Of these, the

most valuable was the conviction that he was master of his

destiny—that he chose loneliness; loneliness did not choose him.

When he was younger, he stated, he was inclined to be sociable,