age....

_________________________

Greatsufferings render lesser

ones quite incapable of being

felt, and conversely, in the

absence of great sufferings

even the smallest vexations

and annoyances torment us.

_________________________

At the start of the next meeting all eyes were upon Bonnie. She spoke in a soft hesitant

voice: «It wasn`t such a good idea after all to get myself on the agenda because all week

long I`ve been thinking about what to say, rehearsing my lines over and over, even

though I know that a canned presentation is not the way to go here. Julius has been saying

all along that the group has to be spontaneous if it`s going to work. Right?» Bonnie

glanced at Julius.

Julius nodded. «Bonnie, try to dump the canned presentation. Try this: Close your

eyes and imagine picking up your prepared script, holding it up in front of you and

ripping it in half and then in half again. Now put it in the wastebasket. Okay?»

Bonnie, eyes closed, nodded.

«And now in fresh words tell us about homeliness and beauty. Tell us about you

and Rebecca and Pam.»

Bonnie, still nodding, opened her eyes slowly and began. «You all remember me,

I`m sure. I was the little fat girl in your grade–school classroom. Very chubby, very

clumsy, hair too curly. The one who was pathetic in gym, got the fewest valentines, cried

a lot, never had best friends, always walked home alone, never had a prom invitation, was

so terrified that she never raised her hand in class even though she was smart as hell and

knew all the right answers. And, Rebecca here, well she was my isomer—”

«Your what?» asked Tony. He sat slouched out nearly horizontally in his seat.

«Isomermeans like a mirror image,” responded Bonnie.

«Isomerrefers to two chemical compounds,” pronounced Philip, «that have the

identical constituents in the same proportions but differ in properties because of the way

the atoms are arranged.»

«Thanks, Philip,” said Bonnie. «Maybe that was a pretentious word to use. But,

Tony, I want to say that I admire the way you`ve stuck to your resolution to signal every

time you don`t understand something. That meeting a couple of months ago when you

opened up about your shame about your education and your blue–collar work has really

given me permission to talk about some of my stuff. Okay, now back to my school days.

Rebecca was my absolute opposite, in every way—you name it. I would have died to

have a Rebecca as a friend—I would killed to havebeen a Rebecca. That`s what`s going

on in me. The last couple of weeks I`ve been flooded with memories of my nightmare

childhood.»

«That fat little girl went to school a long time ago,” said Julius. «What brings her

back now?»

«Well, that`s the hard part. I don`t want Rebecca to get angry with me...”

«Best to speak to her directly, Bonnie,” Julius interjected.

«Okay,” said Bonnie, and turning to face Rebecca. «I want to say something to

you, but I don`t want you to be angry with me.»

«I`m all ears,” said Rebecca, her attention fully fixed on Bonnie.

«When I see you operate with men here in the group—how you interest them, how

you entice them—I feel totally helpless. All those old bad feelings creep out: chubby,

insignificant, unpopular, outclassed.»

«Nietzsche,” interjected Philip, «once said something to the effect that when we

awake discouraged in the middle of the night, enemies that we had defeated long ago

come back to haunt us.»

Bonnie broke out into a big smile and turned toward Philip. «That`s a gift, Philip, a

very sweet gift. I don`t know why, but the idea of enemies I had once defeated rising

again makes me feel better. Just to have something named makes it more—”

«Wait a minute, Bonnie,” interrupted Rebecca, «I want to get back to my enticing

men here—explain, please.»

Bonnie`s pupils widened; she avoided Rebecca`s gaze. «It`s not about you. There`s

nothing you do that`s off—it`s all me, it`s my response to perfectly normal female

behavior.»

«What behavior? What are you talking about?»

Bonnie took a deep breath and said, «Preening. You preen. That`s the way it seems

to me. I don`t know how many times in the last meeting you had your barrettes out, your

hair down, flouncing your hair, running your fingers through it, but it was more times

than I can ever remember before. It`s got to be related to Philip`s entrance into the

group.»

«What are you talking about?» asked Rebecca.

«To quote the old sage, Saint Julius, a question ain`t a question if you know the

answer,” interrupted Tony.

«Why don`t you let Bonnie speak for herself, Tony?» said Rebecca, her eyes icy.

Tony was unfazed. «It`s obvious. Philip enters the group, and you change—you

change into a male...ah...what`s the right word?...you`re coming on to him. Do I got it

right, Bonnie?»

Bonnie nodded.

Rebecca reached in her purse for a tissue and dabbed at her eyes, carefully

protecting the mascara. «That`s really fucking insulting.»

«This is exactly where I don`t want it to go,” pleaded Bonnie. «This is not about

you, Rebecca—I keep saying that. You`re not doing anything wrong.»

«That doesn`t wash with me—making anen passant nasty accusation about my

behavior and then saying it`s not about me doesn`t make it less nasty.»

«En passant?» asked Tony.

«En passantmeans,” interjected Philip, «in passing—a common term in chess used

when the pawn takes two squares in its opening move and passes an opposing pawn.»

«Philip, you`re a show–off—you know that?» said Tony.

«You threw out a question. I answered it,” said Philip, entirely unaffected by

Tony`s confrontation. «Unlessyour question ain`t a question.»

«Ouch, you got me there.» Tony scanned the rest of the group and said, «I must be

gettin` dumber. I feel more out of it. Am I imagining it, or are there more big words

getting thrown out here? Maybe having Philip here is getting to others, too—not just

Rebecca.»

Julius intervened by using the group therapist`s most common and most effective

tactic—he switched the focus from content to process, that is, away from the words being

spoken to the nature of the relationship of the interacting parties. «Lots going on here

today. Maybe we can step back a minute and try to understand what`s happening. Let me

first put out this question to all of you: what do you see going on in the relationship

between Bonnie and Rebecca?»

«It`s a tough call,” said Stuart, who was always the first to respond to questions

thrown out by Julius. Using his professional/medical voice, he said, «I really cannot tell if

Bonnie has one agenda or two.»

«Meaning?» asked Bonnie.

«Meaning, what`s your agenda? Do you wish to talk about issues with men and

your competition with women? Or, do you wish to take a swipe at Rebecca?»

«I see it from both points of view,” said Gill. «I can see how this dredges up

Bonnie`s old bad memories. And then I can also see why Rebecca is upset—I mean she

may have not known she was fixing her hair—and personally I don`t think that`s such a

big issue.»

«You`re tactful, Gill, «said Stuart. «As usual you try to placate all parties,

especially the ladies. But you know if you get so deep into understanding the female

point of view, you`re never going to speak out in your own voice. That`s what Philip said

to you last week.»

«I resent these sexist comments, Stuart,” said Rebecca. «Frankly, a doctor should