know better. This вЂfemale point of view` talk is ridiculous.»
Bonnie held up her hands and made aT. «I`ve got to call вЂtime out`—I just cannot
go on. This is important stuff, but it`s surreal; I cannot go on with it. How can we go on
with business as usual when Julius has just announced last week he is dying? This is my
fault: I should never have started this topic today about me and Rebecca—it`s too trivial.
Everything`s trivial in comparison.»
Silence. Everyone looked down. Bonnie broke the silence.
«I want to back up. The way I should have started this meeting was to describe a
dream, a nightmare, I had after the last group. I think it involves you, Julius.»
«Go,” urged Julius.
«It was night. I was in a dark train station—”
Julius interrupted, «Try using the present tense, Bonnie.»
«I should know that by now. Okay—it`s night. I`m in a dark train station. I`m
trying to catch a train that`s just beginning to move. I walk faster to get on. I see the
dining car pass by filled with well–dressed people eating and sipping wine. I`m not sure
where to board. Now the train starts to move faster, and the last cars get shabbier and
shabbier, with their windows boarded up. The final car, the caboose, is just a skeleton car,
all falling apart, and I see it pull away from me and I hear the train whistle so loud it
wakes me about fourA.M. My heart was pounding, I was soaked with sweat, and I never
did get back to sleep last night.»
«Do you still see that train?» asked Julius.
«Clear as can be. Moving away down the track. The dream is still scary. Eerie.»
«You know what I think?» said Tony. «I think the train`s the group and that
Julius`s illness will make it fall apart.»
«Right on,” said Stuart, «the train`s the group—it takes you somewhere, and it
feeds you along the way—you know, the folks in the dining car.»
«Yeah, but why couldn`t you get on? Did you run?» asked Rebecca.
«I didn`t run; it was like I knew I couldn`t board.»
«Strange. Like you wanted to board, but at the same time you didn`t want to,” said
Rebecca.
«I sure didn`t try hard to board.»
«Maybe you were too scared to board?» asked Gill.
«Did I tell you all that I was in love?» said Julius.
A hush fell upon the group. Dead silence. Julius looked around, mischievously, at
the puzzled and concerned faces.
«Yes, in love with this group, especially when it works like it`s working today.
Great stuff, the way you`re working on that dream. You guys are something. Let me add
my guess—I`m wondering, Bonnie, if that train isn`t a symbol for me as well. That train
reeked of dread and darkness. And, as Stuart said, it offers nourishment. I try to do that.
But you`re frightened of it—as you must be frightened of me or what`s happening to me.
And that last car, the skeletonlike caboose: isn`t that a symbol, a prevision, of my
deterioration?»
Bonnie stammered, got tissues from the box in the middle of the room, and wiped
her eyes, «I...uh...I...I don`t know how to answer—this whole thing is surreal.... Julius,
you floor me, you knock me out the way you talk about dying so matter–of–factly.»
«We`re all dying, Bonnie. I just know my parameters better than the rest of you,”
said Julius.
«That`s what I mean, Julius. I always love your flippancy, but now, in this
situation, it kind of avoids things. I remember once—it was during that time that Tony
was doing weekend jail time and we weren`t talking about it—that you said if something
big in the group is being ignored, then nothing else of importance gets talked about
either.»
«Two things,” said Rebecca. «First, Bonnie, wewere talking about something
important just now—several important things—and, second, my God, what do you want
Julius to do? Heis talking about this.»
«In fact,” said Tony, «he even got pissed that we heard it from Philip rather than
from him personally.»
«I agree,” said Stuart. «So Bonnie, whatdo you want from him? He`s handling it.
He said he`s got his own support network to help him deal with it.»
Julius broke it off—it had gone far enough. «You know, I appreciate all this
support from you guys, but when it`s this strong then I begin to worry. Maybe I`m getting
loose, but do you know when Lou Gehrig decided to retire? It happened one game when
everyone on the team gushed compliments about how he fielded a routine ground ball.
Maybe you`re considering me too fragile to speak for myself.»
«So, where do we go with this?» said Stuart.
«First, let me say to you, Bonnie, that you`re showing a lot of guts by jumping in
and naming the thing that`s too hot to touch. What`s more, you`re absolutely right: I have
been encouraging some...no,a lot of denial here.
«I`m going to make a short speech and lay it all out for you. I`ve had some
sleepless nights lately and a lot of time to think about everything, including what to do
about my patients and this group. I haven`t had any practice at this. No one practices
endings. They only happen once. No textbooks are written about this situation—so
everything is improvisation.
«I`m faced with deciding about what to do with the time I have left. Look, what are
my options? Terminate all my patients and end this group? I`m not ready to do that—I`ve
got at least a year of good health, and my work means too much to me. And I get a lot out
of it for myself. Stopping all my work would be to treat myself as a pariah. I`ve seen too
many patients with fatal illness who`ve told me that the isolation accompanying their
illness is the worst part of all.
«And the isolation is a dual isolation: first, the very sick person isolates himself
because he doesn`t want to drag others down into his despair—and I can tell you for a
fact that`s one of my concerns here—and, second, others avoid him either because they
don`t know how to talk to him or because they want nothing to do with death.
«So, withdrawing from you is not a good option for me and, what`s more, I don`t
believe for you either. I`ve seen a lot of terminally ill people who underwent change,
grew wiser, riper, and had a great deal to teach others. I think that`s already starting to
happen to me, and I`m convinced that I`ll have a lot to offer you in the next few months.
But if we`re to keep working together, you may have to face a lot of anxiety. You`ll not
only have to face my approaching death, but you may be confronted with your own. End
of speech. Maybe you all have to sleep on this and see what you want to do.»
«I don`t need to sleep on it,” said Bonnie. «I love this group and you and everyone
in it, and I want to work here as long as possible.»
After members echoed Bonnie`s affirmation, Julius said, «I appreciate the vote of
confidence. But group therapy 101 underscores the daunting power of group pressure. It`s
hard to buck group consensus in public. It would take superhuman resolve for any of you
to say today, вЂSorry, Julius, but this is too much for me, and I`d rather find a healthy
therapist, someone hale enough to take care of me.`
«So, no commitments today. Let`s just stay open and keep evaluating our own
work and see how everyone feels in a few weeks. One big danger which Bonnie
expressed today is that your problems start to feel too inconsequential to discuss. So we
have to figure out the best way for me to keep you working on your own issues.»
«I think you`re doing it, «said Stuart, «by just keeping us informed.»
«Okay. Thanks, that helps. Now let`s go back to you guys.»
