dedicated to Vipassana «sweeping,” she wondered whether the four truths were so

true after all. Had the Buddha gotten it right? Was the price of the remedy not

worse than the disease? At dawn the following morning she lapsed into even

greater doubt as she watched the small party of Jainist women walk to the

bathhouse. The Jainists took the decree of no killing to absurd degrees: they

hobbled down the path in a painfully slow, crablike fashion because they first had

to gently sweep the gravel before them lest they step on an insect—indeed they

could hardly breathe because of their gauze masks, which prevented the inhalation

of any miniscule animal life.

Everywhere she looked, there was renunciation, sacrifice, limitation, and

resignation. Whatever happened to life? To joy, expansion, passion, carpe diem?

Was life so anguished that it should be sacrificed for the sake of

equanimity? Perhaps the four noble truths were culture–bound. Perhaps they were

truths for 2,500 years ago in a land with overwhelming poverty, overcrowding,

starvation, disease, class oppression, and lack of any hope for a better future. But

were they truths for her now? Didn`t Marx have it right? Didn`t all religions based

on release or a better life hereafter target the poor, the suffering, the enslaved?

But, Pam said to herself (after a few days of noble silence she talked to

herself a great deal), wasn`t she being an ingrate? Give credit where it was due.

Hadn`t Vipassana done its job—calmed the mind and quashed her obsessive

thoughts? Hadn`t it succeeded where her own best efforts, and Julius`s, and the

group members` efforts had all failed? Well, maybe yes, maybe no. Perhaps it was

not a fair comparison. After all, Julius had put in a total of about eight group

sessions—twelve hours—while Vipassana demanded hundreds of hours—ten full

days plus the time, and effort, to travel halfway around the world. What might

have happened if Julius and the group had worked on her that many hours?

Pam`s growing cynicism interfered with meditation. The sweeping stopped.

Where had it gone—that delicious, mellifluous, buzzing contentment? Each new

day her meditative practice regressed. The Vipassana meditation progressed no

farther than her scalp. Those tiny itches, previously so fleeting, persisted and grew

more robust—itches evolved into pinpricks, then into a sustained burning that

could not be meditated away.

Even the early work inanapana–sati was undone. The dike of calmness

built by breath meditation crumbled, and the surf of unruly thoughts, of her

husband, John, or revenge and airplane crashes, came breaking through. Well, let

them come. She saw Earl for what he was—an aging child, his large lips pursed

and lunging for any nipple within range. And John—poor, effete, pusillanimous

John, still unwilling to grasp that there can be no yes without a no. And Vijay,

too, who chose to sacrifice life, novelty, adventure, friendship upon the altar of

the great God, Equanimity. Use the right word for the whole bunch, Pam

thought.Cowards. Moral cowards. None of them deserved her. Flush them away.

Nowthere was a powerful image: all the men, John, Earl, Vijay, standing in a

giant toilet bowl, their hands raised imploringly, their squeals for help barely

audible over the roar of the flushing water!That was an image worth meditating

upon.

_________________________

The flower replied: You

fool! Do you imagine I

blossom in order to be

seen? I blossom for my

own sake because it

pleases me, and not for

the sake of others. My

joy consists in my being

and my blossoming.

_________________________

Bonnie opened the next meeting with an apology. «Sorry to one and all about my

exit last week. I shouldn`t have done that but...I don`t know...it was out of my

control.»

«The devil made you do it.» Tony smirked.

«Funny. Funny, Tony. Okay, I know what you want.I chose to do it

because I was pissed. That better?»

Tony smiled and gave her the thumbs–up signal.

In the gentle voice he always used when addressing any of the women in

the group, Gill said to Bonnie, «Last week after you left, Julius suggested you

might have felt pissed at being ignored here—that basically the group replayed

your description of what routinely happened to you in your childhood.»

«Pretty accurate. Except I wasn`t pissed.Hurt is a better term.»

«I know pissed,” said Rebecca, «and you were good ‘n` pissed at me.»

Bonnie`s face clouded over as she turned to Rebecca. «Last week you said

that Philip had clarified the reason you don`t have girlfriends. But I don`t buy

that. Envy of your good looks isnot the reason you don`t have girlfriends or at

least why you and I haven`t become close; the real reason is that you`re basically

not interested in women—or at least you`re not interested in me. Whenever you

say something to me in the group, it is always to bring the discussion back to

you.»

«I give you feedback about the way you handle—or, mostly,don`t handle—

anger, and then I get accused of being self–centered.» Rebecca bristled. «Do you

or don`t you want feedback? Isn`t that what this group is about?»

«What I want is for you to give me feedback aboutme. Or about me and

someone else. It`s always about you, Rebecca—or you and me—and you`re so

attractive it always swings things back to you and away from me. I can`t compete

with you. But it`s not only your fault; the others play into this, and I need to ask

all of you a question.»

Bonnie swiveled her head looking briefly at each member in turn as she

said, «I never really get your interest—why not?»

The men in the room looked down. Bonnie didn`t wait for an answer but

continued: «And another thing, Rebecca, what I`m saying to you about girlfriends

is not news to you. I can remember clear as a bell you and Pam having an

identical go–around about this.»

Bonnie turned to Julius. «Speaking of Pam, I`ve been meaning to ask you,

«Any news of her? When is she coming back? I miss her.»

«That was fast!» Julius said, «Bonnie, you are the master of the whirlwind

segue! But for the moment I`m going to let you get away with it and answer your

question about Pam, mainly because I was going to announce that she e–mailed

me from Bombay. She`s finished her meditation retreat and will be returning soon

to the States. She should be here for the next meeting.»

Turning to Philip, Julius said, «You remember I mentioned Pam, our

missing member, to you?»

Philip replied with a brief nod.

«And,you, Philip, are the master of the fast nod,” said Tony. «It`s amazing

how much you stay in the middle of things without ever looking at anyone and

without saying very much. Look at all this stuff going on around you. Bonnie and

Rebecca squabbling over you. What are you feeling about all this? What are you

feeling about the group?»

When Philip did not immediately reply, Tony appeared uncomfortable. He

looked around the group: «Shit, whatis this? I feel like I`m breaking some kind of

rule here, like farting in church. I`m just asking him the same kind of question

everyone asks everyone else.»

Philip broke the short silence. «Fair enough. I require time to collect my

thoughts. Here`s what I was thinking. Bonnie and Rebecca have similar

afflictions. Bonnie cannot tolerate being unpopular, whereas Rebecca cannot