from the bondage of desire in order to enter, however

briefly, the true philosophers` will–free clearing. Only after

sexual release could he think elevated thoughts and join his

friends—the great thinkers whose books were personal

letters to him.

More fantasies came; his passion enveloped him and,

with a great whoosh, sucked him from the philosophers`

distant observing grandstand. He craved; he desired; he

wanted. And more than anything, he wanted to hold Pam`s

face in his hands. Tight orderly connections between

thoughts loosened. He imagined a sea lion surrounded by a

harem of cows, then a yelping mongrel flinging himself

again and again against a steel link fence separating him

from a bitch in heat. He felt himself a brutish, club–wielding caveman, grunting, warning off competitors. He

wanted to possess her, lick her, smell her. He thought of

Tony`s muscular forearms, of Popeye gulping his spinach

and chucking the empty can behind him. He saw Tony

mounting her—her legs splayed, her arms encircling him.

That pussy should be his, his alone. She had no right to

defile it by offering it to Tony. Everything she did with

Tony sullied his memory of her, impoverished his

experience. He felt sick to his stomach. He was a biped.

Philip turned and walked along the marina, then

through Chrissy Field to the bay and along the edge of the

Pacific, where the calm surf and the timeless aroma of

ocean salt soothed him. He shivered and buttoned his

jacket. In the fading light of day, the cold Pacific wind

streamed through the Golden Gate and rushed by him, just

as the hours of his life would forever rush past without

warmth or pleasure. The wind presaged the frost of endless

days to come, arctic days of rising in the morning with no

hope of home, love, touch, joy. His mansion of pure

thought was unheated. How strange that he had never

before noticed. He continued walking but with the

glimmering knowledge that his house, his whole life, had

been built on foundations flimsy and false.

_________________________

We should

treat with

indulgence

every

human

folly,

failing,

and vice,

bearing in

mind that

what we

have

before us

are simply

our own

failings,

follies,

and vices.

_________________________

In the following meeting Philip shared neither his

frightening experiences nor his reasons for abruptly leaving

the previous meeting. Though he now participated more

actively in the group discussions, he always did so at his

own choosing and the members had learned that energy

invested in prying Philip open was energy wasted. Hence

they shifted their attention to Julius and inquired whether

he felt usurped by Philip`s ending the meeting last week.

«Bittersweet,” he replied. «The bitter part is being

replaced. Losing my influence and my role is symbolic of

all impending endings and renunciations. I had a bad night

after the last meeting. Everything feels bad at 3A.M. I had a

rush of sorrow at all the endings ahead of me: the ending of

the group, of my therapy with all my other patients, the

ending of my last good year. So, that`s the bitter. The sweet

is my pride in you guys. And that includes you, Philip.

Pride in your growing independence. Therapists are like

parents. A good parent enables a child to gain enough

autonomy to leave home and function as an adult; in the

same way a good therapist`s aim is to enable patients to

leave therapy.»

«Lest there be a misunderstanding, I want to clarify

the record,” Philip proclaimed. «It was not my intention to

usurp you last week. My actions were entirely self–protective: I felt inexpressibly agitated by the discussion. I

forced myself to remain till the end of the meeting, and

then I had to leave.»

«I understand that, Philip, but my preoccupation with

endings is so strong now that I may see portents of endings

and replacement in benign situations. I`m also aware that,

tucked into your disclaimer, is some caring for me. For that

I thank you.»

Philip bowed his head slightly.

Julius continued, «This agitation you describe sounds

important. Should we explore it? There are only five

meetings left; I urge you to take advantage of this group

while there`s still time.»

Though Philip silently shook his head as if to

indicate that exploration was not yet possible for him, he

was not destined to stay silent permanently. In the

following meetings Philip was inexorably drawn in.

Pam opened the next meeting by pertly addressing Gill:

«Apology time! I`ve been thinking about you and think I

owe you one...no, Iknow I owe you one.»

«Say more.» Gill was alert and curious.

«A few months ago I blasted you for never being

present, for being so absent and impersonal that I could not

bear to listen to you. Remember? That was pretty harsh

stuff—”

«Harsh, yes,” interrupted Gill, «but necessary. It was

good medicine. It got me started on my path—do you

realize I haven`t had a drink since that day?»

«Thanks, butthat`s not what I`m apologizing for—

it`s what`s happened since. Youhave changed: you`ve

beenpresent; you`ve been more upfront and more straight

with me than anyone else here, and yet I`ve just been too

self–absorbed to acknowledge you. For that I`m sorry.»

Gill accepted the apology. «And what about the

feedback I`ve given you? Was any of it helpful?»

«Well, your termchief justice shook me up for days.

It hit home; it made me think. But the thing that sticks most

in my mind was when you said John refused to leave his

wife not because of cowardice but because he didn`t want

to deal with my rage.That got to me,really got me thinking.

I couldn`t get your words out of my mind. And you know

what? I decided you were dead right and John was right to

turn away from me. I lost him not because ofhis deficits but

because of mine—he had had enough of me. A few days

ago I picked up the phone, called him, and said these things

to him.»

«How`d he take it?»

«Very well—after he picked himself off the floor.

We ended up having a nice amiable talk: catching up,

discussing our courses, mutual students, talking about

doing some joint teaching. It was good. He told me I

sounded different.»

«That`s great news, Pam,” said Julius. «Letting go of

anger is major progress. I agree you`ve too much

attachment to your hates. I wish we could take an internal

snapshot of this letting–go process for future reference—to

see exactly how you did it.»

«It was all nonvolitional. I think your maxim—strike

when the iron is cold!—had something to do with it. My

feelings about John have cooled enough to step back and

permit rational thought.»

«And what about» asked Rebecca, «your attachment

to your Philip–hatred?»

«I think you`ve never appreciated the monstrous

nature of his actions to me.»

«Not true. I felt for you...Iached for you when you

first described it—an awful, awful experience. But fifteen

years? Usually things cool in fifteen years. What keepsthis

iron red–hot?»

«Last night—during a very light sleep—I was

thinking about my history with Philip and had this image of

reaching into my head and grabbing the entire awful cluster