After a short silence, Pam said to Julius, «You know what, Julius?

Something`s changed. You`re different from the way you were before I left.

Telling stories about your life, stating opinions on religious belief, whereas you

always avoided such things in the past. I gather it`s the effect of your illness, but,

nonetheless, I like it. I really like your being more personal.»

Julius nodded. «Thanks. That silence gave me a sinking feeling that I had

offended some religious sensibilities here.»

«Not mine, Julius, if you`re worried about me,” said Stuart. «Those polls

that say that ninety percent of Americans believe in God leave me bewildered. I

left the church in my teens, and if I hadn`t then, I would leave now after what`s

come out about priests and pedophilia.»

«Nor mine,” said Philip. «You and Schopenhauer have something in

common regarding religion. He believed the church leaders exploited man`s

ineradicable need for the metaphysical and that they infantilized the public and

dwelled themselves in a state of perpetual deception by refusing to confess they

had deliberately cloaked their truths in allegory.»

Philip`s comment interested Julius, but, noticing that only a few minutes

remained, he steered the group back to process. «A lot happened today. A lot of

risks were taken. Feelings? Some of you have been very quiet—Pam? Philip?»

«It hasn`t escaped me,” Philip said quickly, «that what has been revealed

here today, what has caused so much needless torment, for me, for others, flows

from the supreme and universal power of sex, which my other therapist,

Schopenhauer, taught me is absolutely inbuilt, or, as we would say today,

hardwired into us.

«I know many of Schopenhauer`s words about this since I`ve often cited

them in lectures. Let me quote a few: ‘[Sex is] the strongest and most active of all

motives.... It is the ultimate goal of almost all human effort. It...interrupts every

hour the most serious occupations, and sometimes perplexes...the greatest human

minds.` ‘Sex does not hesitate to intrude with its trash, and to interfere with...the

investigations of the learned—`”

«Philip, this is important stuff, but, before we stop today, try to speak

aboutyour feelings rather than Schopenhauer`s,” interrupted Julius.

«I`ll try, but let me continue—just one more last sentence: ‘Every day it

destroys the most valuable relationships. Indeed it robs of all conscience those

who were previously honorable and upright.`” Philip stopped. «That`s what I

wanted to say; I`m finished.»

«Haven`t heard feelings, Philip,” said Tony, grinning at the opportunity to

confront Philip.

Philip nodded. «Just dismay about how we poor mortals, we fellow

sufferers, are such victims of biology that we fill our lives with guilt about natural

acts as Stuart and Rebecca have done. And that we all have the goal of extricating

ourselves from the thralldom of sex.»

After a few moments of the customary silence following one of Philip`s

pronouncements, Stuart turned to Pam: «I`d sure like to hear from you today.

What do you feel about what I`ve laid on the group? You were on my mind when

I thought about confessing here. I`ve been thinking that I`ve put you in a tough

place because in a way you can`t forgive me without also forgiving Philip.»

«I feel as much respect for you as ever, Stuart. And don`t forget that I`m

sensitized to this issue. I was exploited by a doctor—Earl, my soon–to–be ex–husband, was my gynecologist.»

«Exactly,” said Stuart. «That compounds it. «How can you forgive me

without also forgiving both Philip and Earl?»

«Not true, Stuart. You`re a moral person—after listening to you today and

hearing of your remorse, I feel that way even more. And that incident in the

Miami hotel doesn`t grab me—ever readFear of Flying ?»

Seeing Stuart shake his head, Pam went on, «Take a look at the book. Erica

Jong would call what you had a simple ‘zipless fuck`; it was mutual, spontaneous

coupling, you were kind, no one got hurt, you took responsibility to make sure she

was okay afterward. And you`ve used the incident as a moral compass since then.

But Philip? What can one say about a man who models himself after Heidegger

and Schopenhauer? Of all philosophers who ever lived, those were the two who

were the most abject failures as human beings. What Philip did was unforgivable,

predatory, without remorse—”

Bonnie interrupted, «Hold on, Pam, did you notice that when Julius tried to

stop Philip, he absolutely insisted on one more sentence about sex robbing the

person of conscience and destroying relationships. I wonder, wasn`t that

something about remorse? And wasn`t that directed to you?»

«He has something to say? Let him say it to me. I don`t want to hear it from

Schopenhauer.»

«Let me butt in here,” said Rebecca. «I left the last meeting feeling bad for

you and for all of us, including Philip, who, let`s face it, has been pissed on here.

At home I starting thinking of Jesus`s remark about how he who is without sin

should cast the first stone—that`s got a lot to do with what I revealed today.»

«We`ve got to stop,” said Julius, «but, Philip, this is exactly what I was

fishing for when I asked you about your feelings.»

Philip shook his head in puzzlement.

«Have you understood that today you were given a gift by both Rebecca

and Stuart?»

Philip continued to shake his head. «I don`t understand.»

«That`s your homework assignment, Philip. I want you to meditate on the

gifts you were given today.»

_________________________

Ifwe do not want to be a

plaything in the hands of

every rogue and the

object of every fool`s

ridicule, the first rule

is to be reserved and

inaccessible.

_________________________

Philip walked for hours after the meeting, past the Palace of Fine Arts, that

decaying colonnade built for the 1915 International Exposition, circled the

adjoining lake twice while watching the swans patrolling their territory, and then

strolled along the marina and Chrissy Field path by San Francisco Bay until he

reached the base of the Golden Gate Bridge. What was it Julius instructed him to

think about? He recalled the instruction to think about Stuart and Rebecca`s gift,

but before he could focus his mind he had already forgotten his assignment. Again

and again he swept his mind clear of all thought and tried to focus on soothing

and archetypal images—the wake of swans, the pirouetting of Pacific waves

under the Golden Gate—but he continued to feel oddly distracted.

He walked through the Presidio, the former military base located on the

overlook of the mouth of the bay, and down to Clement Street with its twenty

blocks of wall–to–wall Asian restaurants. He chose a modest Vietnamese pho

shop, and when his beef–and–tendon soup arrived, he sat quietly for a few

minutes, inhaling the lemongrass vapor rising from the broth and staring at the

glistening mountain of rice noodles. After only a few mouthfuls he requested the

rest be packaged for his dog.

Generally inattentive to food, Philip had routinized his eating habits:

breakfast of toast, marmalade, and coffee, a main meal at noon at the school

student cafeteria, and a small inexpensive evening repast of soup or salad. All

meals, by choice, were taken alone. He took solace, indeed sometimes broke into

a full smile, when he thought of Schopenhauer`s habit of paying for two at his