Rebecca. I admire you. And you`ve liberated me to reveal something I`ve never
talked about—not with Julius or my previous shrink, not with anyone.» He
hesitated, looked in the eyes of each member. «Just checking out the safety factor
here. This is high–risk stuff. I feel safe with everyone here with the exception of
you, Philip, because I don`t know you well yet. I`m sure Julius has talked to you
about group confidentiality?»
Silence.
«Philip, your silence jams me up. I`m asking you something,” said Stuart,
who turned and faced Philip more directly. «What`s going on? Why don`t you
answer?»
Philip looked up. «I didn`t know an answer was required.»
«I said I was sure that Julius told you about confidentiality, and then I
raised my voice at the end of the sentence. That connotes a question—right? And
also, didn`t the context about trust signify that I needed an answer from you?»
«I understand,” said Philip. «Yes, Julius told me about confidentiality, and,
yes, I made a commitment to honor all the group basic ground rules, including
confidentiality.»
«Good,” said Stuart. «You know, Philip, I`m beginning to change my
mind—I used to think of you as arrogant, but now I`m beginning to think that
you`re just not house–broken or people–broken. And that does not require an
answer—it`s optional.»
«Hey, Stuart—good!» said Tony, smirking. «You`re showing up, man. I
like it.»
Stuart nodded. «I didn`t mean that negatively, Philip, but I`ve got a story to
tell and I need to make sure it`s entirely safe here. So,” he took a deep breath,
«let`s go. About thirteen or fourteen years ago—it was when I was just finishing
my residency and was about to enter practice—I went to a pediatrics convention
in Jamaica. The purpose of such conventions is to keep up with the latest in
medical research, but you know many physicians go for other reasons: to look for
a practice opportunity or an academic job...or just to have a good time and get
laid. I struck out on all counts, and then, to make things worse, my plane back to
Miami was late and I missed my connection to California. I had to spend the night
in the airport hotel and was in a miserable mood.»
There was rapt attention from the group members—this was a new side of
Stuart.
«I checked into the hotel around eleven–thirty at night, took the elevator up
to the seventh floor—funny how clear the details are—and was walking down a
long silent corridor to my room when suddenly a door opened and a distraught,
disheveled woman in a nightgown stepped out into the hallway—attractive, great
body, about ten or fifteen years older than me. She grabbed my arm—her breath
reeked of alcohol—and asked whether I had just seen anyone in the hall.
«вЂNo one, why?` I answered. Then she told me a long, rambling story about
a delivery man who had just swindled her out of six thousand dollars. I suggested
she call the front desk or the police, but she seemed strangely uninterested in
taking any action. Then she motioned me to come into her room. We talked, and I
tried to calm her about her belief—obviously a delusion—that she had been
robbed. One thing led to another, and we soon ended up in bed. I asked several
times whether she wanted me there, whether she wanted me to make love to her.
She did, and we did, and an hour or two later while she was sleeping I went to my
room, got a few hours` sleep, and caught an early morning flight. Just before I got
on the plane I made an anonymous phone call to the hotel telling them that they
had a guest in room seven–twelve who might need medical attention.»
After a few moments of silence, Stuart added, «That`s it.»
«That`sit? ” asked Tony. «A well–soused, good–looking broad invites you
into her hotel room, and you give her what she`s asking for? Man, no way I`d pass
that up.»
«No, that`s notit !» said Stuart. «Itis that I was a physician and someone
sick, someone probably with incipient or full–blown alcoholic hallucinosis,
crossed my path, and I end up screwing her. That`s a violation of the Hippocratic
oath, a grievous offense, and I`ve never forgiven myself for it. I can`t let go of
that evening—it`s seared into my mind.»
«You`re too hard on yourself, Stuart,” said Bonnie. «This woman`s lonely,
in her cups, steps out in the hallway, sees an attractive younger man, and invites
him into her bed. She got just what she wanted, maybe what she needed. Probably
you did her a world of good. She probably considers that a lucky night.»
Others—Gill, Rebecca, Pam—were poised to speak, but Stuart preempted
them: «I appreciate what you guys are saying—I can`t tell you how many times
I`ve said similar things to myself—but I`m really, truly, not asking for
reassurance. What I wanted to do is just tell you about it, take this sordid act out
of so many years of darkness and into the light—that`s enough.»
Bonnie responded, «That`s good. It`s good you told us, Stuart, but this ties
in with something we`ve talked about before: your reluctance to accept help from
us. You`re terrific about giving help, not so good at letting us help you.»
«Maybe just doctor reflexes,” replied Stuart. «I had no med school courses
on being a patient.»
«Don`t you ever get to go off duty?» asked Tony. «I think you were off duty
that night in the Miami hotel. Midnight with a tipsy, horny broad—go for it, man,
get laid, enjoy yourself.»
Stuart shook his head. «A while ago I listened to a tape of the Dalai Lama
speaking to Buddhist teachers. One of them asked him about burnout and whether
they shouldn`t have some regularly scheduled off–duty time. The Dalai Lama`s
reply was priceless: Off duty? The Buddha says, вЂSorry, I`m off duty!` Jesus is
approached by a sufferer and replies, вЂSorry, I`m off duty today!` The Dalai Lama
giggles all the time, but he found this particular idea absolutely hilarious and
couldn`t stop laughing.»
«I`m not buying it,” said Tony. «I think you`re using your M.D. to avoid
life.»
«What I did in that hotel was wrong. No one will ever convince me
otherwise.»
Julius said, «Fourteen years ago and you can`t let it go. What about the
repercussions of this incident?»
«You mean besides self–excoriation and disgust?» said Stuart.
Julius nodded.
«I can tell you that I`ve been a damn good doctor, that I`ve never, not for an
instant, ever again violated the ethics of my profession.»
«Stuart, I decree that you`ve paid your debt,” said Julius. «Case closed.»
«Amen,” echoed several others.
Stuart smiled and crossed himself. «This takes me back to Sunday Mass
during my childhood. I feel like I`ve just come out of the confession booth
absolved.»
«Let me tell you a story,” said Julius. «Years ago in Shanghai I visited a
deserted cathedral. I`m an atheist, but I like visiting religious places—go figure.
Well, I walked around and then sat down in the confession booth, on the priest`s
side, and found myself envying the father confessor. What power he had! I tried
to mouth the words, вЂYou are forgiven, my son, my daughter.` I imagined the
supreme confidence he enjoyed because he believed himself a vessel carrying the
cargo of forgiveness straight from the man upstairs. And how puny my own
techniques seemed in comparison. But later, after leaving the church, I came out
of it by reassuring myself that at least I was living according to principles of
reason and not infantilizing my patients by representing mythology as reality.»
