self–protection. Pam knew everything about the list, and I was uncomfortable
about her being able to drop that bomb at any time. Revealing it myself was the
lesser of two evils.» Philip hesitated, inhaled, then continued: «There`s more to
say. I still haven`t addressed Bonnie`s accusation of bragging. I kept that list
because I had been extremely sexually active that year. My three–week
relationship with Pam`s friend Molly was unusual; I preferred one–night stands,
though I occasionally went back for seconds when I felt particularly sexually
pressured and couldn`t meet someone new. When I saw the same woman a second
time, I needed the notes to refresh my memory and make the woman feel I
remembered her. If she knew the truth—that she was just one of many—I might
not succeed. No braggadoccio whatsoever in these notes. They were meant for my
private use only. Molly had the key to my apartment, invaded my privacy, forced
open a locked desk drawer, and stole the list.»
«You telling us,” asked Tony, wide–eyed, «you had sex with so many
women you had to keep notes so you wouldn`t mix them up? I mean, what are we
talking about here? How many? How`d you pull this off?»
Julius groaned to himself. Things were complicated enough already without
Tony`s envy–laced question. The tension between Pam and Philip was already
unbearably high. It needed defusing, but Julius wasn`t sure how to do it.
Unexpected help arrived from Rebecca, who suddenly altered the entire course of
the meeting.
«I`m sorry to interrupt, but I need some time in the group today,” she said.
«I`ve been thinking all week about revealing something I`ve never told anyone,
not even you, Julius. This is, I think, my darkest secret.» Rebecca paused, looked
around the group. All eyes were on her. «This okay?»
Julius turned to Pam and Philip. «How about you two? Are we leaving you
with too many strong feelings?»
«Okay with me,” said Pam. «I need some time out.»
«And you, Philip?»
Philip nodded.
«More than okay with me,” said Julius, «unless you want to mention first
about why you`ve decided to reveal this today.»
«No, it`s better for me to plunge in while I still have the courage. Here
goes: About fifteen years ago, about two weeks before my wedding, my company
sent me to the Las Vegas computer expo to do a presentation on their new
product. I had already handed in my resignation, and this presentation was to be
my last assignment—I was thinking then that perhaps it might be the last one in
my life. I was already two months pregnant, and Jack and I had planned a month–long honeymoon and then I was to turn to house and baby. This was long before
law school—I had no idea whether I`d ever work again.
«Well, I fell into in a strange mood in Vegas. One evening, to my surprise, I
found myself in the bar of Caesar`s Palace. I ordered a drink and soon fell into an
intimate conversation with a well–dressed man. He asked if I was a working girl. I
was unfamiliar with that phrase and nodded yes. Before I could say more about
my job he asked me my fee. I gulped, looked him over—he was cute—and said,
вЂOne hundred fifty dollars.` He nodded and up we went to his room. And then the
next night I moved to the Tropicana and did it again. Same fee. And my last night
there I did a freebie.»
Rebecca took a deep breath, exhaled loudly. «And that`s it. I`ve never told
anyone about this. Sometimes I`ve considered telling Jack but never did. What
would have been the point? Nothing but grief for him and precious little
absolution for me.... And...Tony, you bastard...goddammit, that`s not funny!»
Tony, who had taken his wallet out and was counting his money, stopped in
his tracks and, with a sheepish smile, said, «Just wanted to lighten things up.»
«I don`t want it to be made light of. This is heavy stuff for me.» Rebecca
flashed one of her remarkable smiles, which she could conjure up at will. «There
it is—true confessions.» She turned to Stuart, who on more than one occasion had
referred to her as a porcelain doll. «So, what doyou think? Maybe Rebecca`s not
the dainty doll she appears to be.»
Stuart said, «I wasn`t thinking that. You know where I went as you spoke? I
flashed on a movie I rented a few nights ago—The Green Mile.There was an
unforgettable scene of a condemned prisoner eating his last meal. Sounds to me
that in Las Vegas you treated yourself to one last piece of freedom before
marriage.»
Julius nodded and said, «I agree. Sounds much like something you and I
talked about a long time ago, Rebecca.» To the group Julius explained, «Several
years ago Rebecca and I worked together for about a year when she was wrestling
with the decision of getting married.» Turning back to Rebecca, he said, «I
remember we spent weeks talking about your fears of giving up your freedom,
your sense of your possibilities closing. Like Stuart, I think that those were the
concerns that got played out in Las Vegas.»
«One thing sticks out in my mind from those hours together, Julius. I
remember your telling me about a novel where someone seeks a wise man who
tells him thatalternatives exclude, that for everyyes there has to be ano.»
«Hey, I know that book—John Gardner`sGrendel ,” interrupted Pam. «It
was Grendel, the demon, who sought out the wise man.»
«Endless interconnections here,” said Julius. «Pam first introduced me to
that novel when I was seeing her for a few months about the same time. So,
Rebecca, if that comment was helpful, you owe thanks to Pam.»
Rebecca, flashed Pam a big thank–you smile. «You were giving me indirect
therapy. I pasted a note with that phrase on my mirror:Alternatives exclude. It
explained my block in saying yes to Jack even though I believed he was the right
man.» Then, to Julius: «I remember your saying that to grow old gracefully I had
to accept the limiting of possibilities.»
«Long before Gardner,” Philip interjected, «Heidegger,” he turned to Tony,
«an important German philosopher in the first half of last century...”
«An important Nazi, too,” Pam interjected.
Philip ignored Pam`s comment. «Heidegger spoke of confronting the
limiting of possibility. In fact he linked it to the fear of death. Death, he
suggested, was theimpossibility of further possibility. ”
«Death as theimpossibility of further possibility,” Julius repeated, «a
powerful thought. Maybe I`ll pastethat onmy mirror. Thanks, Philip. There`re so
many things to look at here, including your feelings, Pam, but first, one more
comment to you, Rebecca. This episode in Las Vegas must have happened while
you and I were meeting, and you never mentioned it to me. That tells me how
much shame you must have felt.»
Rebecca nodded. «Yep, I decided to deep–six the whole episode.» After
pausing and considering whether to say anything else, she added, «There`s more,
Julius. I was ashamed, but even more...this feels risky...I felt even more shame
when I fantasized about it afterward: it was a fantastic high—not a sexual high, no
that`s not right, notjust a sexual high, but the excitement of being outside the law,
of being primitive. And you know,” Rebecca turned toward Tony, «that`s always
been part of my attraction to you, Tony—your jail time, your bar fights, your
flaunting of the rules. But just now you went over the top; that stunt of pulling out
your money was offensive.»
Before Tony could reply, Stuart jumped in. «You`ve got a lot of guts,
