posited that we are governed by deep biological forces and then delude ourselves
into thinking that we consciously choose our activities.
23
_________________________
IfI maintain silence
about my secret it is my
prisoner; if I let it
slip from my tongue, I am
its prisoner. On the tree
of silence hang the
fruits of peace.
_________________________
Bonnie`s concern about the group proved unfounded: at the next meeting
everyone was not only present but early—except for Philip, who strode in briskly
and took his seat at exactly four–thirty.
A short silence at the beginning of a group therapy session is not unusual.
Members learn quickly not to open the meeting capriciously because the first
speaker is generally fated to receive much time and attention. But Philip,
graceless as ever, did not wait. Avoiding eye contact, he began speaking in his
unemotional, disembodied voice.
«The account given by our returning member last week—”
«Name of Pam,” interrupted Tony.
Philip nodded without looking up. «Pam`s description of my list was
incomplete. It was more than a simple list of the women with whom I had sex that
month; it contained not only names but phone numbers—”
Pam interrupted, «Oh. Phone numbers! Oh, well then, excuse me—that
makes it all okay!»
Undeterred, Philip continued, «The list also contained a brief description of
the lovemaking preferences of each woman.»
«Lovemaking preferences?» asked Tony.
«Yes, what each woman preferred in the sexual act. Such as, likes it from
the rear...sixty–nine...long foreplay required...begin with lengthy back
massage...massage oil...gets off on spanking...breast sucking...likes
handcuffs...tied to bedposts a big turn–on.»
Julius winced. Good God! Where was Philip going—was he heading in the
direction of revealing Pam`s preferences? Big trouble ahead.
Before he could head Philip off, Pam shot out, «You are truly disgusting.
Repulsive.» Pam leaned forward as if preparing to rise from her chair and leave.
Bonnie put her hand on Pam`s arm to detain her and said to Philip, «I`m
with Pam on this one. Philip, are you crazy? Why on earth would you brag about
those things?»
«Yeah,” said Gill, «I just don`t get you. Look, here you are under blistering
attack—I mean I`m wincing for you, man. I could not face what you`re facing.
But what do you do? You throw gasoline on the fire and you say,вЂBurn me some
more.` No offense, Philip, but, shit, how can you do that?»
«Yeah, that`s what I see too,” said Stuart. «If I were in your situation, I`d
want to put myself in the best possible light—not give the enemy more
ammunition.»
Julius tried to soothe the waters. «Philip, what have you been feeling the
last few minutes?»
«Well, I had something important to say about that list and I said it—so
naturally I feel entirely satisfied with the course of events.»
Julius persevered. In his most gentle voice, he said, «Several people
responded to you, Philip. What are you feeling about that?»
«That`s where I don`t go, Julius. That way lies despair. Better, far better,
for me to keep my own counsel.»
Julius pulled out another device from his grab bag—that venerable but
reliable strategy of conditional voice. «Philip, try a thought experiment.
Philosophers do that everyday. I understand your wish to retain your equanimity,
but humor me for a moment and try to imagine thatyou were going to have
feelings about others` responses today. What might they be? ”
Philip considered Julius`s question, smiled slightly, and nodded his head,
perhaps as a token of admiration for the ingenuity of Julius`s ploy.
«An experiment? Fair enough. If Iwere to have had feelings, I would have
felt frightened by the ferocity of Pam`s interruption. I am not unaware that she
wishes to do me grievous harm.»
Pam started to interject, but Julius immediately signaled her to be silent and
allow Philip to continue.
«Then Bonnie inquired about the point of my bragging, and then Gill and
Stuart asked about why I was attempting to immolate myself.»
«Immo what?» asked Tony.
Pam opened her mouth to respond, but Philip instantaneously said,
«Immolate—to sacrifice oneself by fire.»
«Okay, you`re partway there,” Julius persisted. «You`ve accurately
described what happened—what Bonnie, Gill, and Stuart said. Now try to
continue with the experiment—if you were going to have feelings about their
comments.»
«Right, I`ve gotten off track. No doubt you would conclude my
unconscious is making an appearance.»
Julius nodded. «Go on, Philip.»
«I would feel entirely misunderstood. I would say to Pam, вЂI wasn`t trying
to make it okay.` To Bonnie, I`d say, вЂBragging was the last thing in my mind.`
To Gill and Stuart, I`d say, вЂThank you for the warning, but I was not attempting
to injure myself.`”
«Okay, now we know what youweren`t doing. So tell us what youwere
doing? I`m bewildered,” said Bonnie.
«I was simply setting the record straight. Following the dictates of reason.
Nothing less, nothing more.»
The group lapsed into that state of mind that always ensued from an
interaction with Philip. He was so rational, so imperially above the strife of
everyday discourse. Everyone looked down, bewildered, disoriented. Tony shook
his head.
«I comprehend every point you made,” said Julius, «except the last one—
that last phrase—вЂnothing less, nothing more.` That I cannot buy. Why volunteer
that particular aspect of the truthnow, today, at this juncture, in your relationship
with us? You were eager to do it. You couldn`t wait. I could feel your pressure to
get it out. Despite the obvious negative consequences pointed out by the group,
you were determined to jump in immediately today. Let`s try to figure out why.
What was the payoff for you?»
«That`s not hard,” responded Philip. «I know exactly why I said it.»
Silence. Everyone waited.
«I`m getting pissed,” said Tony. «Philip, you`ve got us hanging; you do this
all the time. Do we have to beg you for the next sentence?»
«Sorry?» asked Philip, his face in a puzzled scrunch.
«You`ve got us all waiting to hear why you said it,” said Bonnie. «Are you
being deliberately inscrutable here?»
«Perhaps you think we don`t want to know, that we have no curiosity about
what you`re going to say,” suggested Rebecca.
«It`s none of these,” said Philip. «It`s got nothing to do with you. It just
happens that my focus fades and I turn inward.»
«This sounds important,” said Julius. «I think there`s a reason for that—and
it involves your interactions with the group. If you truly believe that your
behavior is capricious, something like rain that just happens, then you`re
assuming a helpless stance. There is a reason you periodically avoid us and turn
inward: I think it`s because some anxiety has welled up in you. In this instance
your loss of focus had to do with how you opened the meeting. Can you pursue
that?»
Philip was silent, pondering Julius`s words.
Julius had his ways of ratcheting up the pressure when treating other
therapists: «Another thing, Philip, if you`re going to be seeing clients or leading a
group in the future, losing focus and turning inward is going to be a real liability
in your work.»
That did the trick. Philip immediately said, «I chose to reveal what I did for
