tolerate beingno longer popular. Both are hostages to the caprice of what others
think. In other words, happiness, for both of them, lies in the hands and heads
ofothers. And for both the solution is the same:the more one has in oneself, the
less one will want from others. ”
In the silence that followed one could almost hear sounds of cerebral
mastication as the group attempted to digest Philip`s words.
«It doesn`t appear that any of you are about to respond to Philip,” said
Julius, «so I want to address an error I think I made a couple of minutes ago.
Bonnie, I shouldn`t have gone along with your segue to Pam. I don`t want a
repeat of last week when your needs were not dealt with. A few minutes ago you
were talking about why the group often overlooked you, and I thought you took a
courageous step by asking everyone why you could not get their interest. But look
what happened then: in the very next breath you switched to Pam`s return to the
group, and, presto, in a couple of minutes, your question to us faded into history.»
«I noticed that, too,” said Stuart. «So, Bonnie, it`s like you arrange for us to
ignore you.»
«That`s good feedback.» Bonnie nodded her head. «Very good. I probably
do that a lot. I`ll do some thinking about that.»
Julius pressed on, «I appreciate the thanks, Bonnie, but I can`t help feeling
you`re doing the same thing now. Aren`t you saying, in effect, вЂthat`s enough
focus on me.` I should have a Bonnie bell here and ring it every time you switch
away from yourself.»
«So what do I do?» Bonnie asked.
«Give us the reason you had no right to request feedback from us,” Julius
suggested.
«I guess I just don`t feel important enough.»
«But is it okay for others here to make this kind of request?»
«Oh, yes.»
«That means that others here are more important than you?»
Bonnie nodded.
«So, Bonnie, try this,” Julius continued, «look around at each of the
members here and answer this question:Who in this group is more important than
you? And why. ” Julius could hear himself purring. He was coasting in familiar
waters. For the first time in a while, certainly since Philip had entered the group,
he knew exactly what he was doing. He had done what the good group therapist
should do: he had translated one of his patient`s central issues into the here–and–now, where it could be explored firsthand. It was always more productive to focus
on the here–and–now than to work on the patient`s reconstructions of an event
from the past or from current outside life.
Swiveling her head to glance briefly at each person in the group, Bonnie
said, «Everyonehere is more important than I am—a lot more important.» Her face
was flushed, her breathing rapid. As much as she craved attention from others, it
was obvious that she now wanted nothing more than invisibility.
«Be specific, Bonnie,” Julius urged. «Whois more important.Why? ”
Bonnie looked around, «Everybody here. You, Julius—look how you`ve
helped everyone. Rebecca is drop–dead gorgeous, a successful lawyer, great kids.
Gill is the CFO of a large hospital—as well as being a hunk. Stuart—well, he`s a
busy doctor, helps children, helps parents; he has success written all over him.
Tony...” Bonnie paused for a moment.
«Welllll? This`ll be interesting.» Tony, dressed as always in blue jeans, a
black T–shirt, and sneakers splattered with paint stains, leaned back in his chair.
«First of all, Tony, you`re you—no posturing, no games, just pure honesty.
And you bad–mouth your profession, but I know you`re no ordinary carpenter;
you`re probably an artist at your work—I see that BMW roadster you scoot
around in. And you`re a hunk, too, I love you in a tight T–shirt. How`s that for
risk?» Bonnie looked around the group circle. «And, who else? Philip—you`ve
got intelligence to burn, you know everything—a teacher, you`re going to be a
therapist, your words fascinate everyone. And Pam? Pam is awesome, a university
professor, a free spirit; she compels attention; she`s been everywhere, knows
everyone, has read everything, stands up to anyone.»
«Reactions, anyone, to Bonnie`s explanation of why she`s less important
than each of you?» Julius`s eyes circled the group.
«Her answer doesn`t make sense to me,” said Gill.
«Can you tell her?» said Julius.
«Sorry, what I mean is—and I don`t want to offend—but Bonnie, your
answer sounds regressive...”
«Regressive?» Bonnie screwed her face up in puzzlement.
«Well, what this group is about is that we`re all just human beings trying to
relate in a human way to one another, and that we check our roles, our degrees,
our money, and our BMW roadsters at the door.»
«Amen,” said Julius.
«Amen,” chimed in Tony, who added, «I`m with Gill, and, just for the
record, I bought that roadster used and it`s put me in hock for the next three
years.»
«And Bonnie,” Gill continued, «in your go–round what you did was focus
exactly on those external things—professions, money, successful kids. None of
those relate to why you are the least important person in this room. I consider you
very important. You`re a key member; you`re engaged with all of us; you`re
warm, giving; you even offered me a place to sleep a couple of weeks ago when I
didn`t want to go home. You keep the group focused; you work hard here.»
Bonnie held her ground. «I`m a drag; my whole life has been about shame
for my alcoholic parents, always lying about my family. Inviting you home, Gill,
was a big event for me—I could never invite kids home, full of fear that my father
would show up drunk. What`s more, my ex–husband was a drunk, my daughter`s
a heroine addict...”
«You`re still evading the point, Bonnie,” said Julius. «You talk of your
past, your daughter, your ex, your family...butyou, where areyou ?»
«Iam these things, a composite of all these things; what else can I be? I`m a
boring pudgy librarian, what I do is to catalog books...I...I don`t know what you
mean. I`m confused, I don`t know where or who I am.» Bonnie began to cry,
pulled out a tissue, blew her nose loudly, closed her eyes, raised both hands and
drew circles in the air, and, between the sobs, muttered, «This is enough for me;
it`s all I can take today.»
Julius shifted into another gear and addressed the entire group. «Let`s take a
look at what`s happened the past several minutes. Who`s got some feelings or
observations?» Having succeeded in moving the group into the here–and–now, he
advanced to the next step. In his view the work in therapy consisted of two
phases: first interaction, often emotional, and second, understanding that
interaction. That`s the way therapy should proceed—an alternating sequence of
evocation of emotions and then understanding. So he now attempted to switch the
group into the second phase by saying, «Let`s back up and take a dispassionate
look at what`s just transpired.»
Stuart was about to describe the sequence of events when Rebecca jumped
in: «I think the important thing was Bonnie giving her reasons for feeling
unimportant and then assuming we would all agree. That`s when she became
confused and cried and said she had had enough—I`ve seen her do that before.»
Tony said, «Yeah, I agree. Bonnie, you do get emotional when you get a lot
of attention. Are you embarrassed by the spotlight?»
Still sobbing, Bonnie said, «I should have been appreciative, but look what
a mess I made of it. And look at how much better others would`ve used this time.»
