«The other day,” Julius said, «I had a conversation with a colleague about
one of his patients. He said she had a habit of catching spears thrown at her and
then stabbing herself with them. Maybe I`m being a little loose here, Bonnie, but
that popped in mind when I saw how you take things and punish yourself with
them.»
«I know you`re all feeling impatient with me. I guess I still don`t know how
to use the group.»
«Well, you know what I`m going to say, Bonnie. Exactlywho here was
impatient? Look around the room.» The group could absolutely count on Julius
asking this question. He had never been known to let such a statement go by
without honing in on it and asking for names.
«Well, I think Rebecca wanted me to stop.»
«Whhhattt? Why I...”
«Hold up a minute, Rebecca,” Julius was being unusually directive today.
«Bonnie, what exactly did you see? What cues did you pick up?»
«About Rebecca? Well, she was silent. Didn`t speak a word.»
«I can`t win. I was doing my best to be quiet so you couldn`t accuse me of
taking attention from you. Can`t you recognize a gift?»
Bonnie was about to respond when Julius asked her to continue with her
descriptions of who was bored.
«Well, nothing I can spell out concretely. But you can just tell when people
are bored. I bore myself. Philip wasn`t looking at me, but then he never looks at
anyone. I know the group was waiting to hear from Philip. What he said about
popularity was far more interesting to the group than my whining.»
«Well, I wasn`t bored with you,” replied Tony, «and I didn`t see anyone
else bored either. And what Philip had to say wasnot more interesting; he stays so
much in his head that I don`t get real excited by his comments. I don`t even
remember them.»
«I do,” said Stuart. «Tony, after you commented about how he was always
in the center of things despite saying so little, he said that Bonnie and Rebecca
had a very similar problem. They`re overinvested in the opinions of others:
Rebecca gets too inflated and Bonnie too deflated—it was something like that.»
«You`re being a clicker again,” said Tony, pantomiming holding a camera
and taking pictures.
«Right. Keep me honest. I know, I know—less observations, more feelings.
Well, I agree that Philip is somehow central without having to say much. And it
does feel like breaking the rules to confront Philip about anything.»
«That`s an observation and an opinion, Stuart,” said Julius. «Can you go to
the feelings?»
«Well, I guess I have some envy about Rebecca`s interest in Philip. I felt
that it was odd no one asked Philip how he felt about that—well, that`s not quite a
feeling, is it?»
«Closer,” said Julius. «First cousin to a feeling. Keep going.»
«I feel threatened by Philip. He`s too smart. Also I feel ignored by him.
And don`t like being ignored.»
«Bingo, Stuart, now you`re honing in,” said Julius. «Any questions for
Philip?» Julius labored to keep his tone soft and delicate. His job was to help the
group include, not to threaten and exclude Philip by insisting he perform in a
manner not yet possible. It was for that reason he called upon Stuart rather than
the more confrontative Tony.
«Sure, but it`s hard to ask Philip questions.»
«He`s right here, Stuart.» Another fundamental Julius rule: never allow
members to speak of one another in the third person.
«Well, that`s the issue. It`s hard to talk to him...” Stuart turned to Philip, «I
mean, Philip, it`s hard to talk to you because you never look at me. Like right
now. Why is that?»
«I prefer to keep my own counsel,” said Philip, still gazing toward the
ceiling.
Julius was poised to leap into the discussion if needed, but Stuart stayed
patient.
«I don`t follow.»
«If you ask something of me, I want to search within myself, free of any
distractions, in order to give you my best possible answer.»
«But your not looking at me makes me feel we`re not in contact.»
«But my words must tell you otherwise.»
«How about walking and chewing gum?» interjected Tony.
«Pardon?» Philip, puzzled, turned his head but not his eyes toward Tony.
«Like, how about doing both at the same time—looking at himand giving a
good answer?»
«I prefer to search my own mind. Meeting the gaze of the other distracts me
from searching for the answer the other might wish to hear.»
Silence prevailed while Tony and the others mulled Philip`s response.
Stuart then posed another question: «Well, let me ask you, Philip, all that
discussion about Rebecca`s preening for you—how did that make you feel?»
«You know,” Rebecca`s eyes showed fire, «I amreally beginning to resent
this, Stuart...it`s as though Bonnie`s fantasy has now passed into the books as
gospel.»
Stuart refused to be diverted. «Okay, okay. Delete that question. Philip, I`ll
ask you this: how did you feel about all the discussion about you the last
meeting?»
«The discussion was of great interest, and I am unflaggingly attentive.»
Philip looked at Stuart and continued, «But I have no emotional responses if that`s
your inquiry.»
«None? That doesn`t seem possible,” replied Stuart.
«Before beginning the group I read Julius`s book on group therapy and was
well prepared for the events of these meetings. I expected certain things to
happen: that I would be an object of curiosity, that some would welcome me and
some not, that the established hierarchy of power would be unsettled by my
entrance, that the women might look favorably upon me and the men unfavorably,
that the more central members might resent my appearance while the less
influential ones might be protective of me. Anticipating these things has resulted
in my viewing the events in the group dispassionately.»
Stuart, as Tony before him, was stunned by Philip`s response and lapsed
into silence as he digested Philip`s words.
Julius said, «I`ve a bit of a dilemma...” He waited a moment. «On the one
hand,” he continued, «I feel it`s important to follow up this discussion with Philip,
but I`m also concerned about Rebecca. Where are you, Rebecca? You look
distressed, and I know you`ve been trying to get in.»
«I`m feeling a little bruised today and shut out, ignored. By Bonnie, by
Stuart.»
«Keep going.»
«There`s a lot of negative stuff coming my way—about being self–centered,
not being interested in woman friends, about posturing for Philip. It stings. And I
resent it.»
«I know what that`s like,” said Julius. «I have those same knee–jerk
reactions to criticism. But let me tell you what I`ve learned to do. The real trick is
to think of feedback as a gift, but first you must decide whether it`s accurate. The
way I proceed is to check in with myself and ask whether it clicks with my own
experience of myself. Does any part, even a tad of it, even five percent, ring true?
I try to recall if people in the past had given me this feedback before. I think about
other people with whom I can check it out. I wonder if someone is honing in on
one of my blind spots, something they see that I do not. Can you try this?»
«That`s not easy, Julius. I feel tight about it.» Rebecca clasped her hand to
her sternum. «Right here.»
«Give that tightness a voice. What`s it saying?»
«It`s saying, вЂHow will I look?` It`s shame. It`s being found out. This
business about people noticing my playing with my hair. Makes me cringe, makes
me want to say, вЂIt`s none of your fucking business—it`s my hair—I`ll do what I
