the sheer awesome power of the sex drive. It`s the most
fundamental force within us—the will to live, to reproduce—and it
can`t be stilled. It can`t be reasoned away. I`ve already spoken of
how he describes sex seeping into everything. Look at the Catholic
priest scandal, look at every station of human endeavor, every
profession, every culture, every age bracket. This point of view
was exquisitely important to me when I first encountered
Schopenhauer`s work: here was one of the greatest minds of
history, and, for the first time in my life, I felt completely
understood.»
«And?» asked Pam, who had been silent throughout this
discussion.
«And what?» said Philip, visibly nervous as always when
addressed by Pam.
«And what else? That was it? That did it? You got better
because Schopenhauer made you feel understood?»
Philip seemed to take no note of Pam`s irony and responded
in an even tone with a sincere manner. «There was a great deal
more. Schopenhauer made me aware that we are doomed to turn
endlessly on the wheel of will: we desire something, we acquire it,
we enjoy a brief moment of satiation, which rapidly fades into
boredom, which then, without fail, is followed by the next вЂI want.`
There is no exit by way of appeasing desire—one has to leap off
the wheel completely. That`s what Schopenhauer did, and that`s
what I`ve done.»
«Leaping off the wheel? And what does that mean?» Pam
asked.
«It means to escape from willing entirely. It means to fully
accept that our innermost nature is an unappeasable striving, that
this suffering is programmed into us from the beginning, and that
we are doomed by our very nature. It means that we must first
comprehend the essential nothingness of this world of illusion and
then set about finding a way to deny the will. We have to aim, as
all the great artists have, at dwelling in the pure world of platonic
ideas. Some do this through art, some through religious asceticism.
Schopenhauer did it by avoiding the world of desire, by
communion with the great minds of history, and by aesthetic
contemplation—he played the flute an hour or two every day. It
means that one must become observer as well as actor. One must
recognize the life force that exists in all of nature, that manifest
itself through each person`s individual existence, and that will
ultimately reclaim that force when the individual no longer exists
as a physical entity.
«I`ve followed his model closely—my primary relationships
are with great thinkers whom I read daily. I avoid cluttering my
mind with everydayness, and I have a daily contemplative practice
through chess or listening to music—unlike Schopenhauer, I have
no ability to play an instrument.»
Julius was fascinated by this dialogue. Was Philip unaware
of Pam`s rancor? Or frightened of her wrath? And what of Philip`s
solution to his addiction? At times Julius silently marveled at it;
more often he scoffed. And Philip`s comment that when he read
Schopenhauer he felt entirely understoodfor the first time felt like a
slap in the face.What am I, thought Julius,chopped liver? For three
years I worked my ass off trying to understand and empathize with
him. But Julius kept silent; Philip was gradually changing.
Sometimes it is best to store things and return to them at some
propitious time in the future.
A couple of weeks later the group raised these issues for him
during a meeting which began with Rebecca and Bonnie both
telling Pam that she had changed—for the worse—since Philip had
entered the group. All the sweet, loving, generous parts of her had
disappeared from sight, and, though her anger was not as vicious
as in her first confrontation with him, still, Bonnie said, it was
always present and had frozen into something hard and relentless.
«I`ve seen Philip change a great deal in the past few
months,” said Rebecca, «but you`re so stuck—just like you were
with John and Earl. Do you want to hold on to your rage forever?»
Others pointed out that Philip had been polite, that he had
responded fully to every one of Pam`s inquiries, even to those
laced with sarcasm.
«Be polite,” said Pam, «then you will be able to manipulate
others. Just like you can work wax only after you have warmed it.»
«What?» asked Stuart. Others members looked quizzical.
«I`m just quoting Philip`s mentor. That`s one of
Schopenhauer`s choice tidbits of advice—and that`s what I think
of Philip`s politeness. I never mentioned it here, but when I first
considered grad school I considered working on Schopenhauer.
But after several weeks of studying his work and his life, I grew to
despise the man so much I dropped the idea.»
«So, you identify Philip with Schopenhauer?» said Bonnie.
«Identify? Philipis Schopenhauer—twin–brained, the living
embodiment of that wretched man. I could tell you things about his
philosophy and life that would curdle your blood. And, yes, I do
believe Philip manipulates instead of relating—and I`ll tell you
this: it gives me the shivers to think of him indoctrinating others
with Schopenhauer`s life–hating doctrine.»
«Will you ever see Philip as he is now?» said Stuart. «He`s
not the same person you knew fifteen years ago. That incident
between you distorts everything; you can`t get past it, and you
can`t forgive him.»
«That вЂincident`? You make it sound like a hangnail. It`s
more than an incident. As for forgiving, don`t you think some
things exist that are not forgivable?»
«Because you are unforgiving does not mean that things are
unforgivable,” said Philip in a voice uncharacteristically charged
with emotion. «Many years ago you and I made a short–term social
contract. We offered each other sexual excitement and release. I
fulfilled my part of it. I made sure you were sexually gratified, and
I did not feel I had further obligation. The truth is that I got
something and you got something. I had sexual pleasure and
release, and so did you. I owe you nothing. I explicitly stated in our
conversation following that event that I had a pleasurable evening
but did not wish to continue our relationship. How could I have
been clearer?»
«I`m not talking about clarity,” Pam shot back, «I`m talking
about charity—love,caritas, concern for others.»
«You insist that I share your worldview, that I experience
life the same way as you.»
«I only wish you had shared the pain, suffered as I did.»
«In that case I have good news for you. You will be pleased
to know that after that incident your friend Molly wrote a letter
condemning me to every member of my department as well as to
the university president, provost, and the faculty senate. Despite
my receiving a doctorate with distinction and despite my excellent
student evaluations, which incidentally included one from you, not
one member of the faculty was willing to write me a letter of
support or assist me in any way to find a position. Hence I was
never able to get a decent teaching position and for the past years
have struggled as a vagabond lecturer at a series of unworthy third–rate schools.»
Stuart, working hard on developing his empathic sense,
responded, «So you must feel you`ve served your time and that
society exacted a heavy price.»
Philip, surprised, raised his eyes to look at Stuart. He
nodded. «Not as heavy as the one I exacted from myself.»
