such cheery pronouncements—but the experience of having it

certified, stamped, and even dated has sure caught my attention.

My melanoma is giving me a strange sense of release that`s got a

lot to do with my revealing myself today. Maybe that`s why I`ve

been yearning for a co–therapist—someone objective who can

make sure that I continue acting in your best interests.»

Julius stopped. Then, he added, «I noted that none of you

responded earlier when I commented on how you were taking care

of me today.»

After a few more moments of silence, Julius added, «And

you`re still not.You see, this is why I miss having a co–therapist

here. I`ve always believed that if there`s something big that`s not

being talked about, then nothing else that`s important can be

worked on either. My job is to remove obstacles; the last thing I

want is tobe an obstacle. Now, it`s hard for me to get outside

myself, but I feel you`re avoiding me, or let me put it this way,

avoidingmy mortal illness. ”

Bonnie said, «Iwant to discuss what`s happening to you; but

I don`t want to cause you pain.»

Others agreed.

«Yep, now you`ve put your finger right on it. Now listen

hard to what I`m going to say: there`s only one way you can hurt

me—and that is to cut yourself off from me. It`s hard to talk to

someone with a life–threatening illness—I know that. People have

a tendency to tread gently; they don`t know the right thing to say.»

«That`s right–on for me,” said Tony. «I don`t know what to

say. But I`m going to try to stay with you.»

«I sense that, Tony.»

«Isn`t it so,” said Philip, «that people fear contact with the

afflicted because they wish not to be confronted with the death that

awaits each of them?»

Julius nodded. «That sounds important, Philip. Let`s

examine it here.» If anyone but Philip had said this, Julius would

have been sure to ask whether they were expressing their own

feelings. However, at this stage, he wanted only to support Philip`s

appropriateness. He scanned the group, awaiting a response.

«Maybe,” said Bonnie, «there`s something to what Philip

said because I`ve had a couple of recent nightmares of something

trying to kill me, and then there was that nightmare I described—

trying to catch that train which was falling apart.»

«I know that under the surface I`m more fearful than usual,”

said Stuart. «One of my tennis chums is a dermatologist, and twice

now in the last month I`ve asked him to check out one of my skin

lesions. Melanoma is on my mind.»

«Julius,” said Pam, «you`ve been on my mind ever since you

told me about your melanoma. There is something to what I`m

being told about my being tough on men, but you`re the main

exception—you are the dearest man I`ve ever known. And yes, Ido

feel protective of you. I felt it when Philip put you on the spot. I

thought—and still think—it was callous and insensitive of him.

And the question of whether I`m more conscious of my own

death—well, that may be there, but I`m not aware of it. Ican tell

you that I`m on the lookout for consolatory things I might say to

you. Last night I read something interesting, a passage in

Nabokov`s memoir,Speak, Memory, which described life as a

spark between two identical pools of darkness, the darkness before

we were born and the darkness after we die. And how odd it is that

we have so much concern about the latter and so little about the

former. I somehow found this enormously reassuring and

immediately tagged it to give to you.»

«That`s a gift, Pam. Thank you. That`s an extraordinary

thought. And itis a reassuring thought, though I`m not quite sure

why. I`m more comfortable with that first pool, before birth—it

seems friend–lier—perhaps I imbue it with promise, the potential

of things to come.»

«That thought,” said Philip, «was also reassuring to

Schopenhauer, from whom, incidentally, Nabokov undoubtedly

lifted it. Schopenhauer said that after death we will be what we

were before our birth and then proceeded to prove the impossibility

of there being more than one kind of nothingness.»

Julius never had a chance to reply. Pam glared at Philip and

barked a response: «Right here we have a perfect illustration of

why your desire to be a counselor is a monstrous joke. We`re in the

midst of tender feelings, and what matters most, whatonly matters

to you, is accuracy of attribution. You think Schopenhauer once

said something vaguely similar. Big fucking deal!»

Philip closed his eyes and began reciting: «вЂ˜A man finds

himself, to his great astonishment, suddenly existing after

thousands and thousands of years of non–existence; he lives for a

little while; and then, again, comes an equally long period when he

must exist no more.` I`ve committed a great deal of Schopenhauer

to memory: third paragraph of his essay ‘Additional Remarks on

the Doctrine of the Vanity of Existence.` Is that vague enough for

you?»

«Children, children, you two quit that,” said Bonnie, in a

high–pitched voice.

«You`re getting loose, Bonnie. I like it,” said Tony.

«Other feelings, anybody?» asked Julius.

«I don`t want to get caught inthis crossfire. Some big

cannons being wheeled out,” said Gill.

«Yeah,” said Stuart, «neither of them can resist the

opportunity for a jab. Philip`s got to comment on someone else

using Schopenhauer`s phrase, and Pam can`t resist the opportunity

to call Philip a monstrous joke.»

«I didn`t sayhe was a monstrous joke. I said...”

«Get off it, Pam, you`re nitpicking. You know what I

meant.» Stuart held his ground. «And anyway that blowup about

Nabokov—that was out of line, Pam. You bad–mouth his hero, and

then you praise someone else who borrows Schopenhauer`s words.

What`s so wrong with Philip setting you straight? What`s the big

crime with his pointing out Schopenhauer`s priority?»

«I gotta say something,” said Tony. «As usual I don`t know

who these dudes are—at least not Nabo...Nobo?

«Nabokov,” said Pam, in the soft voice she reserved for

Tony. «He`s a great Russian writer. You may have heard of his

novelLolita. ”

«Yeah, I saw that. Well, in this kind of talk I get into a

vicious circle—not knowing makes me feel stupid, then I clam up,

and then I feel more stupid. I`ve got to keep trying to break that

pattern by speaking out.» He turned to Julius: «So to answer your

question about feelings,that`s one feeling—stupid. Another is that

for one instant, when he said, ‘Is that vague enough for you?` I got

a glimpse of Philip`s teeth—and they`re sharp teeth, real sharp.

And some other feelings toward Pam,” Tony turned to face her,

«Pam, you`re my girl—I really dig you, but I`ll tell you

something:I sure don`t want to get on your bad side. ”

«I hear you,” said Pam.

«And, and...” said Tony, «I forgot the most important thing

I was going to say—that this whole argument has gotten us off the

track. We were talking about how we might be protecting or

avoiding you, Julius. Then with Pam and Philip we got off the

topic quick. So aren`t we avoiding you again?»

«You know, I don`t feel that now. When we work as

intimately as we`re doing now, we never stay on a single trail. The

stream of thought keeps overflowing into new channels. And,

incidentally,” Julius turned to Philip, «I use that term—

intimately—quite deliberately. I think your anger—which we see

breaking through here for the first time—is truly a sign of