in Las Vegas was good therapy for me—I`m relieved to have

gotten it out. But you`re here to help me, and it`s not going to help

me one bit for you to reveal yourself.»

Julius was taken aback—such strong consensus was an

oddity in this group. But he thought he knew what was happening.

«I sense a lot of concern about my illness—a lot of taking care of

me, not wanting to stress me. Right?»

«Maybe,” said Pam, «but for me there`s more—there`s

something in me that doesn`twant you to divulge something dark

from your past.»

Julius noted others signaling agreement and said, to no one

in particular: «What a paradox. Ever since I`ve been in this field

I`ve heard an ongoing chorus of complaints from patients that

therapists were too distant and shared too little of their personal

lives. So here I am, on the brink of doing just that, and I`m greeted

by a united front saying, ‘We don`t want to hear. Don`t do this.` So

what`s going on?»

Silence.

«You want to see me as untarnished?» asked Julius.

No one responded. «We seem stuck, so I`ll be ornery today

and just continue and we`ll see what happens. My story goes back

ten years ago to the time of my wife`s death. I had married Miriam,

my high school sweetheart, while I was in medical school, and ten

years ago she was killed in a car crash in Mexico. I was devastated.

To tell the truth, I`m not sure I`ve ever recovered from the horror

of that event. But to my surprise, my grief took a bizarre turn: I

experienced a tremendous surge in sexual energy. At that time I

didn`t know that heightened sexuality is a common response to

confrontation with death. Since then I`ve seen many people in grief

become suffused with sexual energy. I`ve spoken with men who`ve

had catastrophic coronaries and tell me that they groped female

attendants while careening to the ER in an ambulance. In my grief,

I grew obsessed by sex, needed it—a lot of it—and when our

friends, both married and unmarried women, sought to comfort me,

I exploited the situation and took sexual advantage of some of

them, including a relative of Miriam`s.»

The group was still. Everyone was uneasy, avoided locking

gazes; some listened to the shrill chirping of a finch sitting in the

scarlet Japanese maple outside the window. From time to time over

many years of leading groups Julius had wished he had a

cotherapist. This was one of those times.

Finally, Tony forced some words out: «So, what happened to

those friendships?»

«They drifted away, gradually evaporated. I saw some of the

women over the years by chance, but none of us ever spoke of it.

There was a lot of awkwardness. And a lot of shame.»

«I`m sorry, Julius,” said Pam, «and sorry about your wife—I

never knew that—and of course about...about

those...relationships.»

«I don`t know what to say to you, Julius,” said Bonnie.

«This feels really awkward.»

«Say more about the awkwardness, Bonnie,” said Julius,

feeling burdened by the chore of being his own therapist in the

group.

«Well, this is brand new. This is the first time you`ve ever

laid yourself out like this in the group.»

«Go on. Feelings?»

«I feel very tense. I think it`s because this is so ambiguous.

If one of us,” she waved her arm around, «brings something

painful to the group, we know what we should do—I mean we get

right to work even though we may not know exactly how to do it.

But with you, I don`t know...”

«Right, what`s not clear iswhy you`re telling us,” said Tony,

leaning forward, eyes squinting under his bushy eyebrows. «Let

me ask something I learned from you. It came up last week in

fact.Why now? Is it because you made a bargain with Philip? Most

folks here say no about that—that the bargain makes no sense. Or

do you want help with feelings remaining from that incident? I

mean, your reasons for sharing aren`t clear. If you want my

personal reactions, I got no problem with what you did. I`ll tell you

straight out, I feel the same way I felt about Stuart and Gill and

Rebecca—I personally don`t see the big deal about what you did. I

could see myself doing that. You`re lonely, sexed up, some broads

ask to comfort you, you let them, and everybody has a good time.

They probably got off on it too. I mean, we`re talking about ladies

as though they only get used or exploited. I get riled, really riled,

by this picture of men begging for some scrap of sex which

women, sitting on their thrones, may or may not decide to toss out

as a favor. As though they don`t get off too.»

Tony turned his head at the sound of Pam slapping her head

as she covered her face with her hands and noted that Rebecca, too,

had her hands to her head. «Okay, okay, maybe I`ll toss those last

cards and just stick with the cards saying,Why now? ”

«Good question, Tony. I appreciate your getting me started.

A few minutes ago I was wishing I had a cotherapist here to help

me, and then you come along and do the job. You`re good at this.

Therapy could have been a good career for you. Let`s see.Why

now? I`ve asked that question so many times, and yet this may be

the first time I`ve had it come my way. First, I think you`re all

right–on when you say it`s not because of my bargain with Philip.

Yet I can`t dismiss that entirely because there is something to his

point about the I–thou relationship. To quote Philip, the idea is ‘not

without merit.`” Julius smiled at Philip but received no smile in

return.

Julius continued, «What I mean is, thereis some problem

with the lack of reciprocity in the authentic therapy relationship—

it`s a knotty question. So addressing that problem is part of my

reason for accepting Philip`s challenge.»

Julius wanted a response. He felt he had been speaking too

long. He turned to Philip. «How doyou feel about what I`ve said so

far?»

Philip jerked his head around, startled at Julius`s question.

After a moment`s deliberation he said, «It seems generally agreed

here that I`m one of those who have chosen to reveal a great deal.

That`s inaccurate. Someone in the group revealed something about

their experience with me, and I revealed what I did only in the

service of historical accuracy.»

«Want to tell me what`s that got to do with anything?» asked

Tony.

«Exactly,” said Stuart. «Talk about accuracy, Philip! First,

for the record, I`m not one who`s thought you`ve revealed

yourself. But, mainly I want to say your answer is nowhere near

the mark. It has zero to do with Julius`s question about your

feelings.»

Philip seemed to take no offense. «Right. Okay, back to

Julius`s question—I think I was confounded by his question

because Ihad no feelings. There was nothing in what he said to

warrant an emotional response.»

«Thatat least is relevant,” said Stuart. «Your earlier response

came out of left field.»

«I am so tired of your pseudodementia game here!» Pam,

slapping her thigh in exasperation, spit out her words to Philip.

«And I`m pissed at your refusing to give me a name! This referring

to me as ‘someone in the group` is insulting and imbecilic.»

«Bypseudodementia you imply I feign ignorance?» said

Philip, avoiding Pam`s glare.

«Glory be,” said Bonnie, raising her arms, «A first. The two

of you are acknowledging one another, actually speaking.»

Pam ignored Bonnie`s remark and continued speaking to

Philip. «Pseudodementia is a compliment compared to its