idea of the ideal therapist.»

«Philip,” Julius asked, «how is this all feeling today?

Are we laying too much on you at once?»

«I`m tempted to defend myself by pointing out that

not one of the great philosophers ever married, except

Montaigne, who remained so disinterested in his family

that he was unsure how many children he had. But, with

only one remaining meeting, what`s the point? It`s hard to

listen constructively when my entire course, everything I

plan to do as a counselor, is under attack.»

«Speaking for myself, that`s not true. There`s a great

deal you can contribute, much that youhave contributed to

the members here. Right?» Julius scanned the group.

After lots of strenuous head–nodding affirmation for

Philip, Julius continued: «But, if you`re to be a counselor,

youmust enter the social world. I want to remind you that

many, I would betmost, of those who will consult you in

your practice will need help in their interpersonal

relationships, and if you want to support yourself as a

therapist, youmust become an expert in these matters—

there`s no other way. Just take a look around the group:

everyone here entered because of conflicted relationships.

Pam came in because of problems with the men in her life,

Rebecca because of the way her looks influenced her

relations with others, Tony because of a mutually

destructive relationship with Lizzy and his frequent fights

with other men, and so on for everyone.»

Julius hesitated, then decided to include all the

members. «Gill entered because of marital conflict. Stuart

because his wife was threatening to leave him, Bonnie

because of loneliness and problems with her daughter and

ex–husband. You see what I mean, relationships cannot be

ignored. And, don`t forget, that`s the very reason I insisted

you enter the group before offering you supervision.»

«Perhaps there`s no hope for me. My slate of

relationships, past and present, is blank. Not with family,

not with friends, not with lovers. I treasure my solitude, but

the extent of it would, I think, be shocking to you.»

«A couple times after group,” said Tony, «I`ve asked

if you wanted to have a bite together. You always refused,

and I figured it was because you had other plans.»

«I haven`t had a meal with anyone for twelve years.

Maybe an occasional rushed sandwich lunch, but not a real

meal. You`re right, Julius, I guess Epicurus would say I

live the life of a wolf. A few weeks ago after that meeting

when I got so upset, one of the thoughts that circled in my

mind was that the mansion of thought I had built for my life

was unheated. The group is warm. This room is warm but

my living places are arctic cold. And as for love, it`s

absolutely alien to me.»

«All those women, hundreds of them, you told us,”

said Tony, «there must have been some love going around.

You must have felt it. Some of them must have loved you.»

«That was long ago. If any had love for me, I made

sure to avoid them. And even if they felt love, it was not

love, for me, the real me—it was love for my act, my

technique.»

«What`s the real you?» asked Julius.

Philip`s voice grew deadly serious. «Remember what

I did for a job when we first met? I was an exterminator—a

clever chemist who invented ways to kill insects, or to

render them infertile, by using their own hormones. How`s

that for irony? The killer with the hormone gun.»

«So the real you is?» Julius persisted.

Philip looked directly into Julius`s eyes: «A monster.

A predator. Alone. An insect killer.» His eyes filled with

tears. «Full of blind rage. An untouchable. No one who has

known me has loved me. Ever. No onecould love me.»

Suddenly, Pam rose and walked toward Philip. She

signaled Tony to change seats with her and, sitting down

next to Philip, took his hand in hers, and said in a soft

voice, «Icould have loved you, Philip. You were the most

beautiful, the most magnificent man I had ever seen. I

called and wrote you for weeks after you refused to see me

again. I could have loved you, but you polluted—”

«Shhh.» Julius reached over and touched Pam on the

shoulder to silence her. «No, Pam, don`t go there. Stay with

the first part, say it again.»

«I could have loved you.»

«And you were the...” prompted Julius.

«And you were the most beautiful man I had ever

seen.»

«Again,” whispered Julius.

Still holding Philip`s hand and seeing his tears flow

freely, Pam repeated, «I could have loved you, Philip. You

were the most beautiful man...”

At this Philip, with his hands to his face, rose and

bolted from the room.

Tony immediately headed to the door. «That`s my

cue.»

Julius, grunting as he too rose, stopped Tony. «No,

Tony, this one`s on me.» He strode out and saw Philip at

the end of the hall facing the wall, head resting on his

forearm, sobbing. He put his arm around Philip`s shoulder

and said, «It`s good to let it all out, but we must go back.»

Philip, sobbing more loudly and heaving as he tried

to catch his breath, shook his head vigorously.

«You must go back, my boy. This is what you came

for, this very moment, and you mustn`t squander it. You`ve

worked well today—exactly the way you have to work to

become a therapist. Only a couple of minutes left in the

meeting. Just come back with me and sit in the room with

the others. I`ll watch out for you.»

Philip reached around and briefly, just for a moment,

put his hand atop Julius`s hand, then raised himself erect

and walked alongside Julius back to the group. As Philip

sat down, Pam touched his arm to comfort him, and Gill,

sitting on the other side, clasped his shoulder.

«How areyou doing, Julius?» asked Bonnie. «You

look tired.»

«I`m feeling wonderful in my head, I`m so swept

away, so admiring of the work this group has done—I`m so

glad to have been a part of this. Physically, yes, I have to

admit I am ailing, and weary. But I have more than enough

juice left for our last meeting next week.»

«Julius,” said Bonnie, «okay to bring a ceremonial

cake for our last meeting?»

«Absolutely, bring any kind of carrot cake you

wish.»

But there was to be no formal farewell meeting. The

following day Julius was stricken by searing headaches.

Within a few hours he passed into a coma and died three

days later. At their usual Monday–afternoon time the group

gathered at the coffee shop and shared the ceremonial

carrot cake in silent grief.