«Right. Six more meetings.»
«Well, it just hit me how much I was betraying you, Julius.
And my contract here with everyone else. And betraying myself,
too.»
«I never put it all together,” said Bonnie, «but I`ve had a
feeling that something wasn`t right the last several meetings.
You`ve been different, Pam. I remember Rebecca sensing that
more than once. You rarely talk about your own issues—I have no
idea what`s going on between you and John or whether your ex–husband`s in the picture or not. Mostly what you`ve been doing is
attacking Philip.»
«And Tony, you too,” added Gill. «Now that I think about it,
you`ve been real different. You`ve been hiding out. I`ve missed the
old free–swinging Tony.»
«I`ve got some thoughts here,” said Julius. «First, something
Pam touched off with her use of the wordcontract. I know this is
repetitious, but it bears repeating for any of you who may be in a
group in the future»—Julius glanced at Philip—«or even lead a
group. Theonly contract any of us have is to do our best to explore
our relationship with everyone in the group. The danger of an out–of–group relationship is thatit jeopardizes the therapy work. How
does it do that?Because people in a tight relationship will often
value that relationship more than the therapy work. Look, it`s
precisely what`s happened here: not only have Pam and Tony
hidden their own relationship—that`s understandable—but as a
result of their personal involvement they`ve backed off from their
therapy work here.»
«Until today,” said Pam.
«Absolutely, until today—and I applaud what you`ve done,
and applaud your decision to bring it to the group. You know what
my question`s going to be for both you and Tony:why now ?
You`ve known each other in the group about two and a half years.
Yetnow things change. Why? What happened a few weeks ago that
prompted the decision to get together sexually?»
Pam turned to Tony, raising her eyebrows, cueing him to
answer. He complied. «Gentlemen first? My turn again? No
problem; I know exactly what changed: Pam crooked her finger
and signaled вЂokay.` I`ve had a perpetual hard–on for her since we
started, and if she`d crooked her finger six months ago or two
years ago I would`ve come then too. Call me вЂMister Available.`”
«Hey, that`s the Tony I know and love,” said Gill.
«Welcome back.»
«It`s not hard to figure out why you`ve been different,
Tony,” said Rebecca. «You`re getting it on with Pam, and you
didn`t want to do anything to screw it up. It`s reasonable. So you
hide out, cautious about showing any of your not–so–nice parts.»
«The jungle part, you mean?» said Tony. «Maybe, maybe
not—it`s not all that simple.»
«Meaning?» asked Rebecca.
«Meaning the вЂnot–so–nice part` is a turn–on for Pam. But I
don`t want to get into that.»
«Why not?»
«Come on, Rebecca, it`s obvious. Why are you putting me
on the spot? If I keep talking like this, I can kiss my relationship
with Pam good–bye.»
«You sure?» persisted Rebecca.
«What do you think? I figure her bringing it up at all in the
group says it`s a done deal, that she`s made up her mind. It`s
getting warm here—hot seat`s getting hot.»
Julius repeated his question to Pam about the timing of her
affair with Tony, to which Pam was uncharacteristically tentative.
«I can`t get perspective on it. I`m too close. I do know that there
wasn`t any forethought, no planning—it was an impulsive act. We
were having coffee after a meeting, just the two of us, because all
you guys went off in your own direction. He invited me to get
some dinner—he`s done that often, but this time I suggested he
come to my place and have some homemade soup. He did, and
things got out of hand. Why that day and not earlier? I can`t say.
We`ve hung out together in the past: I`ve talked to Tony about
literature, given him books to read, encouraged him to go back to
school, and he`s taught me about woodwork and helped me build a
TV stand, a small table. You`ve all known that. Why it got sexual
now? I don`t know.»
«Are you okay about trying to find out? I know it`s not easy
to talk about something so intimate in the presence of a lover,” said
Julius.
«I`ve come here resolved to work today.»
«Good, here`s the question: think back to the group—what
were the important things going on when this began?»
«Since I returned from India, two things have loomed large.
Your health is number one. I once read a crackpot article stating
that people pair in groups in the unconscious hope their offspring
will provide a new leader, but that`s far out. Julius, I don`t know
about how your illness might have prompted me to get more
involved with Tony. Maybe the fear of the group ending caused me
to seek a more personal permanent bond; maybe I irrationally
thought this might keep the group continuing after the year. I`m
guessing.»
«Groups,” said Julius, «are like people: they don`t want to
die. Perhaps your relationship with Tonywas a convoluted way to
keep it alive. All therapy groups try to continue, to have regular
reunions—but they rarely do so. Like I`ve said many times here,
the group is not life;it`s a dress rehearsal for life. We`ve all got to
find a way to transfer what we learn here to our life in the real
world. End of lecture.
«But, Pam,” Julius continued, «you mentionedtwo things
loom large: one was my health and the other was...”
«It`s Philip. I`ve been preoccupied with him. I hate that he`s
here. You`ve said that his presence may ultimately be a boon to
me, and I trust you, but so far he`s been nothing but a blight, with
maybe one exception; I`m so caught up in my hatred for him that
my preoccupation with Earl and John has vanished. And I don`t
think it`s coming back.»
«So,” Julius persisted, «so Philip looms large. Is it possible
that Philip`s presence plays some role in the timing of your affair
with Tony?»
«Anything`s possible.»
«Any hunches?»
Pam shook her head. «I don`t see it. I`d vote for sheer
horniness. I haven`t been with a man for months. That`s rare for
me. I think it`s no more complicated than that.»
«Reactions?» Julius scanned the room.
Stuart jumped in, his keen, orderly mind clicking. «There`s
more than conflict between Pam and Philip—there`s a lot of
competition. Maybe I`m stretching it, but here`s my theory: Pam
always had a key place, a central position, in the group—the
professor, the erudite one, the one who took Tony in hand to
educate him. So, what happens? She goes away for a few weeks
and returns to find Philip squatting in her place. I think this was
disorienting.» Stuart turned to Pam. «Whatever other grievances
you had about him from fifteen years ago got compounded.»
«And the connection to Tony?» asked Julius.
«Well, that might have been one way of competing. If my
recollections are right, it was around then that Pam and Philip both
tried to give you comforting gifts. Philip passed out that story
about the ship stopping at an island, and I remember Tony got
really caught up in the discussion.» He turned to Pam. «Maybe that
was threatening to you; maybe you didn`t want to lose your
influence over Tony.»
«Thanks, Stuart, mighty enlightening,” shot back Pam.
«Your point is that to compete with this zombie I have to fuck all
the guys in the group! That`s your view of women`s abilities?»
