Right?»
«I said nothing about feeling unvalued.»
«Not out loud. I`m intuiting that—it would be such a human
response. I`ve a hunch if you will look inside you`ll find it there.»
«Pam, you`re rolling your eyes,” said Rebecca. «Is this talk
about attachment reminding you of your meditation retreat in
India? Julius, Philip—both of you missed the postgroup coffee
when Pam described her time at the ashram.»
«Yep, exactly,” said Pam. «I had a bellyful of talk about the
relinquishment of all attachments including the inane idea that we
can sever our attachment to our personal ego. I ended up with
strong feelings that it was all so life–negating. And that parable
Philip handed out—what`s the message? I mean, what kind of
voyage, what kind of life, is it if you are so focused on the
departure that you can`t enjoy your surroundings and can`t enjoy
other people? And that`s what I see in you, Philip.» Pam turned to
address him directly. «Your solution to your problems is a
pseudosolution; it`s no solution at all—it`s something else—it`s a
relinquishment of life. You`re not in life; you don`t really listen to
others, and when I hear you speak I don`t feel I`m listening to a
living, breathing person.»
«Pam,” Gill sprang to Philip`s defense, «talk about
listening—I`m not sureyou do much listening. Did you hear that he
was miserable years ago? That he had overwhelming problems and
impulses? That he did not respond tothree full years of therapy
with Julius? That he did what you just did last month—what any of
us would do—seek another method? That he finally got help from
a different approach—one which is no freakish New Age
pseudosolution? And that now he`s trying to offer something to
Julius by using the approach that helped him?»
The group was silenced by Gill`s outburst. After a few
moments Tony said, «Gill, you are something else today! Sticking
it to my girl Pam—I don`t like that, but, man, I sure do like the
way you`re talking here—hope it rubs off on your home life with
Rose.»
«Philip,” said Rebecca, «I want to apologize for being so
dismissive earlier today. I want to say that I`m changing my mind
about this...story by...by...Epihetus...”
«Epictetus,” said Philip in a softer tone.
«Epictetus, thanks.» Rebecca continued, «The more I think
about it, this whole thing about attachment throws a light on some
of my stuff. I think Iam suffering from excessive attachment—not
to things or possessions but to my looks. All my life I`ve had a free
pass because of a pretty face—got lots of affirmation—prom
queen, homecoming queen, beauty contests—and now that it`s
fading...”
«Fading?» said Bonnie. «Just pass the faded remnants on to
me.»
«Me, too, I`ll trade you anytime and throw in all my
jewelry...and kids, if I had any,” said Pam.
«I appreciate that. I really do. But it`s all relative.» Rebecca
went on, «Iam too attached. Iam my face, and now that it`s become
less, I feelI am less. I`m having a lot of trouble giving up my free
pass.»
«One of Schopenhauer`s formulations that helped me,” said
Philip, «was the idea that relative happiness stems from three
sources: what one is, what one has, and what one represents in the
eyes of others. He urges that we focus only on the first and do not
bank on the second and third—onhaving andour reputation —
because we have no control over those two; they can, and will, be
taken away from us—just as your inevitable aging is taking away
your beauty. In fact, вЂhaving` has a reverse factor, he said—what
we have often starts to have us.»
«Interesting, Philip. All three parts of that—what you are,
have, and stand for in the eyes of others—hits home for me. I`ve
lived too much of my life for that last part—what others will think
of me. Let me confess another secret: my magic perfume. I`ve
never talked to anyone about this, but ever since I can remember
I`ve daydreamed about manufacturing a perfume called Rebecca
made up of my essence which lingers indefinitely and causes
anyone who inhales it to think of my beauty.»
«Rebecca, you`re taking so many more risks now. I love it,”
said Pam.
«Me too,” said Stuart. «But let me tell you something that`s
never registered before. I like to look at you, but I`m realizing now
that your good looks are a barrier to seeing or knowingyou, maybe
even as much of a barrier as when a woman is ugly or misshapen.»
«Wow, that`s a shocker. Thanks, Stuart.»
«Rebecca, I want you to know,” said Julius, «that I too am
touched by your trusting us with your daydream about the
perfume. It points out what a vicious circle you`ve set up. You
confuse your beauty with your essence. And then what happens, as
Stuart points out, is that others do not relate to your essence but to
your beauty.»
«A vicious circle which leaves me doubting whether there`s
anything there. I`m still struck by your phrase the other week,
Julius, вЂthe beautiful empty woman`—that`s me in spades.»
«Except the vicious circle may be breaking down,” said Gill.
«I know I`ve seen more of you—that is, something deeper, in the
last few weeks than in the whole previous year.»
«Yeah, me too,” agreed Tony, «and, I`m being serious now,
I want to say I`m really sorry about counting out money when you
told us about that time in Las Vegas—I acted like a real jerk.»
«Apology noted and accepted,” said Rebecca.
«You`ve gotten a lot of feedback today, Rebecca,” said
Julius. «How`re you feeling about it?»
«I feel great—it`s good. I feel people are treating me
differently.»
«It`s not us,” said Tony, «it`s you. Put real stuff in—get real
stuff out!»
«Put real stuff in—get real stuff out.I like that, Tony,” said
Rebecca. «Hey, you`re getting good at this therapy business;
maybeI should start counting out money. What are your fees?»
Tony smiled broadly. «Since I`m on a roll, let me give you
my guess, Julius, about why you went out of your way to work
with Philip again. Maybe when you first saw Philip years ago you
were closer to that state of mind you told us about last week—you
know, having strong sex desires for other women.»
Julius nodded. «Go on.»
«Well, here`s what I`m wondering: if you had issues similar
to Philip`s—not the same but something in that ballpark—could
that have gotten in the way of your therapy with him?»
Julius sat up straight in his chair. Philip, too, straightened
up. «You are sure catching my attention, Tony. Now I`m beginning
to remember why therapists are hesitant to reveal themselves—I
mean it doesn`t go away—what you reveal comes back to haunt
you again and again.»
«Sorry, Julius, I definitely didn`t mean to put you on the
spot.»
«No, no, it`s okay. I really mean that. I`m not complaining;
maybe I`m just stalling. Your observation is good—maybe it`stoo
good, too close, and I`m resisting a bit.» Julius paused and thought
a moment. «Okay, here`s what comes up for me: I remember that I
was surprised and dismayed that I hadn`t helped Philip. Ishould
have helped him. When we began, I would have taken a big bet
that I would have helped him a lot. I thought I had an inside track
on helping him. I was sure that my own personal experience would
grease the rails of therapy.»
«Maybe,” said Tony. «Maybe that`s why you invited Philip
into this group—give it another try, getting another chance.
