abide Heidegger, Pam, but I don`t believe his misguided politics

should be permitted to deprive us of the gift of his philosophical

insights. So, to paraphrase Heidegger, falling intoeverydayness

results in one`s becoming unfree—like the sheep.

«Like Pam,” Philip continued, «I believe the parable warns

us against attachment and urges us to stay attuned to the miracle of

being—not to worry abouthow things are but to be in a state of

wondermentthat things are —that things exist at all.»

«Now I think I`m getting your meaning,” said Bonnie, «but

it`s cold, abstract. What comfort is there in that? For Julius, for

anyone?»

«For me, there is comfort in the idea that my death informs

my life.» Philip spoke with uncharacteristic fervor as he continued,

«There is comfort in the idea of not allowing my core being to be

devoured by trivialities, by insignificant successes or failures, by

what I possess, by concerns about popularity—who likes me, who

doesn`t. For me, there is comfort in the state of remaining free to

appreciate the miracle of being.»

«Your voice sounds energized,” said Stuart, «but I also think

this seems steely and bloodless. It`s cold consolation. Makes me

shiver.»

The members were puzzled. They sensed that Philip had

something of value to offer but, as usual, were confused by his

bizarre manner.

After a brief silence Tony asked Julius, «Does this work for

you? I mean in terms of offering you something. Does it help you

in some way?»

«It doesn`t work for me, Tony. Yet, as I`ve said,” he turned

toward Philip, «you`re reaching out to give me something that

works for you. I`m aware, too, this is the second time you`ve

offered me something I`ve not been able to make use of, and that

must be frustrating for you.»

Philip nodded but remained silent.

«A second time! I don`t recall another time,” said Pam. «Did

it happen when I was away?»

Several heads shook no. No one else remembered a first

time, and Pam asked Julius, «Are there blanks that need to filled in

here?»

«There`s old history between Philip and me,” said Julius. «A

lot of the puzzlement today could be removed by relating this

history. But I feel it`s up to you, Philip. When you`re ready.»

«I`m willing for all to be discussed,” said Philip. «You have

carte blanche.»

«No, what I mean is, it`s not for me to do that. To paraphrase

your words,it would be a richer exercise if you would discuss it

yourself. I think it`s your call and your responsibility.?»

Philip tilted his head upward, closed his eyes, and, using the

same tone and manner as when reciting a memorized passage,

began: «Twnety–five years ago I consulted Julius for what is now

termedsexual addiction. I was predatory, I was driven, I was

insatiable, I thought of little else. My whole being was caught up in

the pursuit of women—new women, always new women, because

once I bedded a woman I rapidly lost interest in her. It was as

though the epicenter of my existence was that moment of

ejaculating inside the woman. And once that happened I had a brief

respite from my compulsion, but soon—sometimes only hours

later—I felt the call to prowl again. Sometimes I had two or three

women in a day. I was desperate. I wanted to get my mind out of

the trough, to think about other things, to touch some of the great

minds of the past. I was educated in chemistry then, but I yearned

for real wisdom. I sought help, the best and most expensive

available, and met with Julius weekly, sometimes twice weekly,

for three years, without benefit.»

Philip paused. The group stirred. Julius asked, «How is this

going for you, Philip? Can you go farther, or is it enough for one

day?»

«I`m fine,” replied Philip.

«With your closed eyes it`s hard to read you,” said Bonnie.

«I`m wondering if you keep them closed because you fear

disapproval.»

«No, I close my eyes to look within and collect my thoughts.

And surely I`ve made it clear that only my own approval matters to

me.»

Again there settled onto the group that strange otherworldly

sense of Philip`s untouchability. Tony tried to dispel it by

whispering loudly, «Nice try, Bonnie.»

Without opening his eyes, Philip continued. «Not too long

after I gave up therapy with Julius, I inherited a fair sum of money

from the maturation of a trust account my father had set up for me.

The money enabled me to leave my profession as a chemist and

devote myself to reading all of Western philosophy—in part

because of my enduring interest in that field, but primarily because

I believed that somewhere in the collective wisdom of the world`s

great thinkers I would find a cure for my condition. I felt at home

in philosophy and soon realized that I had found my true calling. I

applied and was accepted in the philosophy doctoral program at

Columbia. It was at that time that Pam had the misfortune of

crossing my path.»

Philip, eyes still closed, paused and inhaled deeply. All eyes

were on him except for furtive glances toward Pam, who stared at

the floor.

«As time went by I chose to concentrate my attention on the

trinity of truly great philosophers: Plato, Kant, and Schopenhauer.

But, in the final analysis, it was only Schopenhauer who offered

me help. Not only were his words pure gold for me, but I sensed a

strong affinity with his person. As a rational being I cannot accept

the idea of reincarnation in its vulgar sense, but if Ihad lived before

it would have been as Arthur Schopenhauer. Simply knowing of

his existence has tempered the ache of my isolation.

«After reading and rereading his work for several years, I

found that I had overcome my sexual problems. By the time I

received my doctorate, my father`s bequest was exhausted and I

needed to earn a living. I taught at a few places around the country

and a few years ago moved back to San Francisco to accept a

position at Coastal University. Eventually I lost interest in teaching

because I never found students worthy of me or my subject, and

then, about three years ago, it occurred to me that, since

philosophy had healed me, I might be able to use philosophy to

heal others. I enrolled in and completed a counseling curriculum

and then began a small clinical practice. And that brings me to the

present.»

«Julius was useless to you,” said Pam, «yet you contacted

him again. Why?»

«I didn`t. He contacted me.»

Pam muttered, «Oh, yeah, right out of the blue Julius

contactedyou ?»

«No, no, Pam,” said Bonnie, «that part is true; Julius

confirmed it when you were away. I can`t fill you in on it because

I`ve never really understood it myself.»

«Right, let me come in here,” said Julius. «I`ll reconstruct it

as best I can. The first few days after receiving the bad news from

my doctor I was staggered and tried to find a way to come to terms

with having a lethal cancer. One evening I got into a very morose

mood as I thought about the meaning of my life. I got to thinking

about being destined to slip into nothingness and remaining there

forever. And that being so, then what difference did anyone or any

activity make?

«I can`t remember the whole chain of my morbid thinking,

but I knew I had to clutch some kind of meaning or I would drown

on dry land, then and there. As I surveyed my life, I realized that

Ihad experienced meaning—and that it always involved stepping