avoid attachments because of anticipated suffering is a sure recipe for being only partially
alive. I don`t mean to cut you off, Rebecca, but I think it more to the point to go back to
your reactions, everyone`s reactions, to the announcement I`ve made. Obviously, learning
of my cancer has got to stir up strong feelings. I`ve known many of you for a long time.»
Julius stopped talking and looked around at his patients.
Tony, who had been slumped in his chair, stirred himself. «Well, I had a jolt when
you said earlier that what should be important to us was how long you could continue to
lead this group—that comment got under my skin, thick–skinned as I`ve been accused of
being. Now, I don`t deny that crossed my mind, but, Julius, I`m mostly upset at what this
means foryou. ...I mean, let`s face it, you`ve been pretty, I mean...really,important to
me, helped me get over some really bad stuff.... I mean, is there something I, we, can do
for you? This has gotta be terrible for you.»
«Ditto for me,” said Gill, and all the others (save Philip) joined in assent.
«I`m going to respond, Tony, but first say how touched I am and how impossible it
would have been for you, a couple of years ago, to be so direct and to reach out so
generously. But to answer your question, it`s been terrible. My feelings come in waves. I
hit bottom the first couple of weeks when I canceled the group. Did a lot of nonstop
talking to my friends, my whole support network. Right now, at this moment, I`m doing
better. You get used to everything, even mortal illness. Last night the refrain вЂLife is just
one goddamned loss after another` kept passing through my mind.»
Julius stopped. No one spoke. Everyone stared at the floor. Julius added, «I want to
deal with it openly...willing to discuss everything...I won`t shy away from
anything...but unless you ask something specific, I`m talked out now plus I don`t feel I
need the whole meeting to be given to me today. I want to say I have energy to work with
you here in my usual way. In fact it`s important to me that we go on as we always have.»
After a short silence Bonnie said, «I`ll be honest, Julius, there`s something I could
work on, but I don`t know...my problems seem insignificant compared to what you`re
going through.»
Gill looked up and added, «Me, too. My stuff—whether or not I learn to talk to my
wife, stay with her, or leave the sinking ship—all that seems trivial in comparison.»
Philip took that as his cue. «Spinoza was fond of using a Latin phrase,sub specie
aeternitatis, meaning вЂfrom the aspect of eternity.` He suggested that disturbing quotidian
events become less unsettling if they are viewed from the aspect of eternity. I believe that
concept may be an underappreciated tool in psychotherapy. Perhaps,” and here Philip
turned and addressed Julius directly, «it may offer a form of solace to even the kind of
serious assault you`re facing.»
«I can see you`re trying to offer me something, Philip, and I appreciate that. But
right now the idea of taking a cosmic–eye view of life is the wrong flavor of medicine.
Let me tell you why. Last night I didn`t sleep well and got to feeling sad for not having
appreciated what I had at the very moment it was happening. When I was young, I always
regarded the present as a prelude to something better that was going to occur. And then,
the years passed, I suddenly found myself doing the opposite—I was bathing myself in
nostalgia. What I`ve not done enough of is to treasure each moment, and that`s the
problem with your solution of detachment. I think it faces life through the wrong end of
the telescope.»
«I gotta come in here, Julius,” said Gill, «with an observation: I don`t think there`s
much chance you`re going to accept anything that Philip says.»
«An observation I`ll always pay attention to, Gill. But that`s an opinion. Where`s
the observation?»
«Well, the observation is that you`re just not respecting anything he offers.»
«I know what Julius would say about that, Gill,” said Rebecca. «It`s still not an
observation; it`s a guess about his feelings. What I observe»—she turned to Julius—«is
that this is the first time you and Philip have addressed one another even halfway directly
and that you have interrupted Philip a few times today, something I never see you do with
anyone else.»
«TouchГ©, Rebecca,” answered Julius. «Right on—a direct and accurate
observation.»
«Julius,” said Tony, «I`m not getting the picture at all. You and Philip—what`s
going on?—I don`t get it. Is he right when he says you phoned him out of the blue?»
Julius sat with his head bowed for a few minutes and then said, «Yes, I can see
how confusing this must be for all of you. Okay, here it is straight. Or as straight as my
memory permits. After my diagnosis, I fell into real despair. I felt I had gotten a death
sentence, and I was staggered by it. Among other dark thoughts I began to question
whether anything I had done in my life had any enduring meaning whatsoever. I slogged
around in that question for a day or two, and, since my life is so intertwined with my
work, I began thinking of patients I`d seen in the past. Had I really, permanently, affected
anyone`s life? I felt I had no time to waste, and so, on the spot, I decided to contact some
of my old patients. Philip was the first person, and so far the only one, I reached.»
«And why select Philip?» asked Tony.
«That`s the sixty–four–thousand–dollar question—or maybe that`s dated—is it the
sixty–four–million–dollar question these days? Short answer: I`m not sure. I`ve wondered
about it a lot. It wasn`t smart of me because if I wanted reassurance of my worth, there
are a lot of better candidates. Try as hard as I did for a full three years, I didn`t help
Philip. Maybe I was hoping that he would report some delayed effect of therapy—some
patients report such a thing. But it didn`t turn out that way for him. Maybe I was being
masochistic—wanted to rub my nose in it. Maybe I chose my biggest failure in order to
give myself a second chance. I admit it—I frankly don`t know my motives. And then
during the course of our discussion Philip told me of his career change and asked if I
would be willing to be his supervisor. Philip,” Julius turned to face Philip, «I assume you
filled the group in on this?»
«I provided the necessary details.»
«Can you be a little more cryptic?»
Philip looked away, the rest of the group looked uncomfortable, and after a long
silence Julius said, «I apologize for the sarcasm, Philip, but can you see where your
answer left me?»
«As I said, I provided the necessary details to the others,” Philip said.
Bonnie turned to face Julius: «I`ll be upfront. This feels unpleasant, and I`m
rescuing you. I don`t think you need to be hassled today—I think you need to be taken
care of. Please, what can we do for you, today?»
«Thanks, Bonnie, you`re right, I am shaky today—your question`s a lovely one,
but I`m not sure I can answer it. I`ll tell you all a big secret: there have been times I`ve
entered this room feeling bad because of some personal issues and left feeling better just
as a result of being a part of this terrific group. So maybe that`s the answer to your
question. The best thing for me is simply for all of you to use the group and not let my
situation bring us to a total stop.»
After a short silence Tony said, «Tough assignment with what`s gone down today.»
«Right,” said Gill. «It`ll feel awkward to talk about anything else.»
