Breathe in.

This wasn’t something I could keep from him or even wanted to. I needed to talk to him about this. I needed to know what he thought. How he would react.

But I also needed time to grasp the fact that I was…pregnant.

With two babes.

“Fuck,” I whispered, then held my breath for a count of five.

What was I going to do? I barely knew how to take care of myself. How was I supposed to parent two children? Two newborns when I could barely handle Jadis when she was throwing a temper tantrum?

Granted, she could spit fire, and the babes wouldn’t be able to do that, but I knew they could spew all manner of fluids.

Breathe out.

I didn’t even know how to take care of a babe. I hadn’t had the greatest role model when it came to parenting, but I didn’t think I had to try all that hard to be better. More present. Loving. Caring—

I stopped myself. I’d have to get to the point where I worried about all of that.

My stomach dropped for the hundredth time, and I took another breath. And how would I do what was necessary while pregnant? I meant what I had said to Aios. There could be no choice between the two. My power was needed. There would be fights, and while it was harder to seriously injure me, the same couldn’t be said for the lives I carried inside me.

Hold.

There doesn’t need to be a choice at all.

Unclasping my hands, I placed one against my lower stomach. A year ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to seek the aid of one of the Matrons. Accidental conception happened even when every precaution in the realm was taken. I heard the maids whispering in Wayfair and knew teas could be consumed, and I didn’t judge them. In fact, I was impressed by the fact that they could make that choice. Not a single conversation I’d overheard made it sound like it was an easy one. Many of them did so in tears, no matter the reason, whether it was because they didn’t feel financially capable, their condition was a result of a brief dalliance, or from force. I imagined if their situations had been different, many of them would’ve opted to keep the babe. Or maybe not. Either way, it never sounded like a flippant decision.

Breathe out.

But now? I didn’t think I could do that because these were Ash’s children. Ours. Mine.

My stomach turned over heavily, but for a different reason this time. Every couple of minutes, a tendril of excitement wove its way through the fear, panic, and disbelief, followed by something that felt damn powerful and pure. It was love.

How was that even possible? So quickly? It was the very last thing I’d ever thought to feel toward any babe, even mine. I wasn’t the parental type. I never, not even as a little girl who still had the ability to have those sweet, foolish dreams, saw myself as a mother. But, gods, I felt love for them. And it was as fierce as what I felt for Ash. Protective. As if that motherly instinct I’d heard others speak about had snapped into place.

And, gods, it was the most unexpected emotion. A huge part of me was afraid to let those feelings grow, blossom, and spread because what if Ash wasn’t happy about this? I felt like I couldn’t allow myself to feel those emotions.

But that was…that was wrong.

Because I already knew I was keeping the lives growing inside me, even though it didn’t seem fair. Unfair that I got to have this when I had stolen this very chance from others. And I had no idea how to be a parent, if I was capable, or even if I should. But they were ours. And if he couldn’t accept this? Which was highly possible considering everything he’d faced—all we would still face… Damn, he hadn’t even allowed people to stay in the palace and be close to him until recently because of Kolis. Still, his reluctance wouldn’t change my mind.

But I knew it would change us, mates of the heart or not. It would change us in ways that would break my heart.

Feeling my chest tighten, I rose from where I sat and descended the steps. Water rose over my legs and quickly reached my hips as I walked forward. The hem of my gown lifted and floated when the water reached my waist. Once it lapped at my chest, I didn’t go any farther. The deepest end of the pool would be well over my head, and I still hadn’t learned how to swim.

And I was supposed to teach children? Things more important than swimming? Like how to be thoughtful and kind and how to stand up for themselves and others? How to be good, even though I wasn’t entirely good?

The weight of it all bore down on my chest. I closed my eyes, letting myself slip underwater.

Sound ceased immediately.

My mind quickly followed.

There was just nothing as I floated. The tension all through my body began to ease. The mineral-rich water could have had something to do with that, but it was also the complete silence. The nothingness. The peace and the feeling of the water rushing over my face and—

Cold arms came around me, startling me as I was lifted from the water. My eyes flew open when my head broke the surface, and I dragged in a lungful of air.

“Sera,” Ash gasped, scooping the wet hair back from my face. Strands of silvery eather whipped through his eyes. “What are you doing?”

“Sorry.” My face warmed as I stared up at him. It had been so quiet underwater that I hadn’t felt him approach. “I was just…doing my version of swimming.”

“With your gown on?”

“Yeah?”

“While we had Primals in the throne room?”

Um…

“And I was waiting for you to return?”

“Sorry. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.” I clutched his shoulders. “And you’re not dressed for swimming.”

The eather in his eyes brightened until I almost couldn’t see his pupils. “That’s because I thought—” He stopped with a sharp inhale, his jaw clenching.

My eyes widened when I realized what he’d thought. “I wasn’t trying to drown myself.”

His arms tightened around me. “I wasn’t thinking that.”

“You sure about that?” My heart twisted. “I told you, Ash. I won’t do that again.”

Ash opened his mouth and then closed it. His eyes slammed shut. “I know. I just…I panicked, seeing you with your gown on and your arms outstretched. I don’t think you realize how that looks to someone above water.”

“I am sorry.” My gaze dropped to where his white shirt was plastered to his chest.

Ash was quiet, drawing his hand up my back. “What drove you here?”

The reason, which I had somehow forgotten in those brief moments, came rushing back. My throat dried. I’d gone over all the different ways I could broach the subject with him while I sat at the pool’s edge, and every single one of them vanished from my thoughts.

“I know something must be preying upon your mind,” he continued, brushing his nose against mine. “For you to leave the throne room and seek the silence of water.”

The fact that he remembered why I stayed underwater made my heart swell until it felt like it might burst, if not for the way it pounded wildly, threatening to bust through my rib cage.

I breathed in and counted to five. My throat suddenly felt like it was sealing.

He immediately picked up on my sharp spike of anxiety. “What is it?” He paused, running his thumb across my cheek. The familiar cool caress did little to calm my nerves. “Liessa?”

Something beautiful.

Something powerful.

And I was powerful. Strong. Brave. I could fucking tell him that I was pregnant with his children.

The next breath I took lodged in my throat. “Maybe we should get out of the pool.”

He frowned. “Why would we need to do that?”

“Because what I’m about to tell you will probably surprise you.” I gripped the front of his shirt. “And you may faint or something.”

He frowned. “I’ve never fainted.”

“There’s always a first time,” I said. “Even for a Primal, I bet. And if that happens, you’re really heavy, and I don’t trust my ability to lift you from the water. I’d probably end up throwing you into a wall—”