He said nothing, opting to kiss my palms again. Then he placed my hands back in my lap and rose. He went to the railing and leaned against the shadowstone. The muscles along his shoulders bulged as he eyed a guard in the distance. “Is that what you’ve been thinking about while sitting out here?”

“Yes, and no. I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff.”

He faced me. “You going to tell me what you’ve been thinking about?”

Talk to me.

That’s what he always said. When I didn’t, he didn’t push, except for the night of the sekya attack. I doubted he would push now. I wanted to talk. Needed to. I just didn’t know where to start because this—all of this inside me—hadn’t been birthed into creation when Kolis captured me. It had started long before then.

Ash drew in a heavy breath and pushed away from the railing. “Will you at least come back to bed with me?”

My gaze flew to his, and my chest seized. Words bubbled up, shaken free. Ones I had only ever shared with Nektas. “I tried to end my life once.”

Ash’s entire body jerked back, and he bumped into the railing. “What?”

Part of me couldn’t believe that was where I’d started—that I had just hurled that at him with no warning. He hadn’t been prepared to hear it. The shock in his expression was proof. “I’m sorry. I probably should’ve given you some sort of heads-up on that.”

Ash stared at me. His hands had returned to the railing, and he held on to it as if he needed the support.

I looked away from his hands, focusing on mine. “I drank a vial of sleeping draft—far more than necessary. And convinced myself for so long that it was accidental. That it wasn’t on purpose. But…” My nose and eyes stung. “It was. I didn’t want to wake up.”

“Why?” he asked hoarsely.

“I don’t know,” I said with a shaky sigh and peeked up at him. His eyes were closed tightly. “That’s not entirely true. There wasn’t one reason. I don’t think there was even one reason—specifically what he believed my fate to be—for why my father took his life. It’s never that simple.”

A spasm ran through him, and his lashes lifted. When he spoke, his voice sounded as choked as mine felt. “When did you try that?”

“I know what you’re thinking. That it’s because you rejected me.”

His jaw clenched. “That wasn’t a reason?”

“It doesn’t matter, Ash. You’re not responsible for that. Just like I know I’m not responsible for my father, even though I spent most of my life feeling like I was. I just…I felt like I was failing everyone and myself. I didn’t like who I was because I was no one. I was this blank canvas, taught to act and behave like someone. To not really have feelings. Like I couldn’t be mad or even happy. I was just to be whatever I needed to be.” I knew I was rambling, but I couldn’t stop myself. “But I wasn’t good at that, so I had to pretend how my mother acted didn’t affect me. I made myself okay with the fact that no one, except Odetta and Holland, really touched me. I just had to deal with Tavius and him thinking he could do whatever he wanted to me.”

My fingers curled inward again. “I couldn’t refuse training, whether it came to mastering a sword or seduction, and I had no one, not even Holland, that I could really talk to.”

“This training? To seduce?” Ash sounded like each word cut his throat to speak. “How old were you when it began?”

“Not old enough to be able to deal with it,” I admitted quietly. “I was scared at first. I remember begging Holland to not let me go, but…” I closed my eyes and shook my head. “That part of my life was so…weird.”

“I can think of a better word than weird,” he bit out.

“I mean, I felt embarrassed to be doing the things I was being taught and didn’t know how to feel about it. Sometimes, it felt good, but it…it also felt wrong.”

“Because it was wrong,” he said.

“I know.” I sighed. “I think maybe I knew it then, too. But I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t say I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t have a choice in anything. And I…I didn’t want to do it anymore. So, the draft.”

Ash looked stricken, as if someone had plunged a dagger into his chest.

“I regretted it as soon as I woke up. I was embarrassed. And I hated that I felt that way.” My lips peeled back with a low growl. “I still hate that my head just doesn’t work like it should. You know? Like there were—and still are—others with worse childhoods and experiences, and they never once thought about trying or doing something like that.” I laughed, but there was no humor in it. “But I did.”

“I’m so damn sorry, Sera,” he whispered. “All those times I said you had no regard for your life. I didn’t know. If I had, I would never have said that.”

“You don’t need to apologize because it’s true. Or was,” I said, holding the edge of the blanket to my chin. “I didn’t value my life. Not until I decided I wanted to live—when it felt like it was too late. You’re part of the reason. I mean, it’s not just you. It was also gaining control. A sense of self. I was no longer an empty vessel. I was becoming someone, and you helped me do that. And I…”

I lifted my head to find Ash watching me from where he stood by the railing, his eyes glittering.

I wet my dry lips. “You…you’ve been feeding from Rhain.”

Ash went completely still.

“That’s why you don’t feel as cold sometimes,” I said, my chest aching anew. “You had to go to him because I couldn’t provide for you.”

“Sera.” Ash jerked away from the railing. “You provide for me. You give me everything I could ever want.”

“Except the one thing you need to survive. It’s okay—” I winced. “No, it’s not okay. What I’m saying is that I’m not mad at you or anything. It makes me love you even more because I know how hard it is for you to feed from others. I’m angry with myself.”

His hands fisted at his sides. “Do not be angry with yourself. Kolis—”

“He took that from me. From us. I know. You were right when you said that.”

“I don’t care about being right.” He came forward and lowered himself to his knees before me. “I will do anything for you not to feel fear, Sera.”

“I know.” The pressure was crushing then, my chest squeezing as if a giant hand was trying to pinch off my breath. “You never caused me fear. I know you won’t hurt me. I just… My mind goes back there to Kolis. To being in that fucking cage, and him…”

Ash reached for me but placed his hands on either side of me instead. “And him…?”

I opened my mouth when more words slithered their way up my throat. “Him having complete control. In what I wore. What I ate. Where I went. He put me on display as if I was some kind of token. Or a pet. Even when he held court. And you know what the fucked-up thing was? He liked it when I tried to escape, or he scared me. He enjoyed it. And not because he’s a fucking piece of shit, but because it reminded him of Sotoria. Gods…” I tugged at the stitching on my robe. “He didn’t like it when I mouthed off. Because there were times, Ash, when I couldn’t pretend. I just couldn’t. And when that happened, it didn’t matter that he believed I was Sotoria.”

“What?” His voice was steady but thin. “What did he do?”

“He almost always controlled himself, and gods, that was somehow scarier. Seeing him get to that edge and then pull back? It left me feeling like I was constantly on the cliff’s edge. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that…that was worse than the chains.”

Ash’s inhale was audible. “The chains?”

“I…” I stared at his shoulder. “It was because of Veses.”

“I will kill that bitch.”

“It wasn’t her fault,” I said with a humorless laugh. “He punished her. Gave her to Kyn in front of everyone.” I almost gagged, disgust rolling through me. “And, gods, I hate her. I hate her as much as I hate him. But that wasn’t right. I don’t care what Veses says. It was disgusting. I told him as much, and I’d already mouthed off at him more than once that day. I just couldn’t…” I shook my head. “He hung me by my arms.”