“I’m here, and I’m okay.” I tilted my head to the side, seeking. His lips found mine. The kiss was gentle and sweet but no less shattering than the ones that’d come before.

Ash eased himself from me, but his body didn’t leave mine. Supporting his weight on one arm, he rested his forehead against mine. “Fates, Sera. I thought…”

He didn’t need to finish the sentence. I knew what he thought, what must have preyed on his mind as he slept, kept under the spell and driven to lose his hold on his mortal form.

“It wasn’t him,” I whispered.

Ash’s shudder of relief caused my heart to ache. Gods, I didn’t think it was possible to hate Kolis more than I already did, but I was wrong. I knew this would always be a fear until Kolis was dealt with.

For both of us.

I cleared my throat. “It was the riders.”

Ash lifted his head, and his brows rose. “What in the fuck?”

My lips twitched. “That about sums up my initial reaction.”

His fingers coasted over my cheek. “Tell me what happened.”

I did, sharing how I’d ended up in a cavern on the outskirts of the Abyss. Ash quietly listened as I explained how I’d had to prove myself worthy. His eyes narrowed as I described the three-headed beast. When I got to the Tavius portion, he went rigid.

“But it wasn’t really him,” I assured.

“No shit,” he growled. I arched a brow. “He’s a special case. I would know if he left where I last left him.” He paused. “In pieces.”

Pieces?

“How did—?” I stopped myself. “You know what? I don’t think I want to know.”

His smile was tight, toothless. “You sure about that?”

Actually? Yes. I ran my finger over the faint scar on his chin. “He was just a representation of me.”

“How in the fuck is he supposed to be a representation of anything of you?” Ash demanded, the eather whipping through his eyes.

“The part of me that…reacts violently when I feel like I don’t have control,” I admitted. It was hard to share when his lips thinned, peeling back until the tips of his fangs became visible. “I didn’t realize it wasn’t really Tavius at first. I…I beat him.”

“Good,” Ash snarled, his eyes fierce. “What did I tell you before when it came to him?”

“Not to let him leave a mark.”

“Exactly.” He drew his thumb over my chin. “That hasn’t changed, whether it was really him or not.”

“I know.” I smiled for him. “At first, I thought he was the monster I needed to slay next. I was about to kill him until I realized that if I did, it would be a final death. I would’ve…”

“You believed you would’ve destroyed his soul,” Ash finished.

“I couldn’t do it.” My laugh was short and humorless. “It felt wrong. I dropped the sword, and he disappeared. That’s when I realized I was supposed to slay the monstrous part of me. The cold bit.”

His jaw flexed. “There is nothing cold about you.”

“But there is,” I insisted, my voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t know if I was born this way, if the embers did it, or if it was how I was raised and the choices I made because of that. But I told you before, Ash. I don’t feel things the same way you do.”

“Sera—”

“I know you must sense it, that part of my soul. There’s no way you haven’t. And you don’t have to lie. I don’t want you to because, gods, the fact that you must have always sensed it yet still accepted me makes me love you even more.” My gaze searched his. “I’m not like you. You carry those marks. Bear them. I don’t. Not really.”

“That’s not true. It’s not,” he insisted, lowering his chin so we were at eye level when I opened my mouth to protest. “Kolis is someone who doesn’t feel empathy or regret. Kyn doesn’t. Veses is another. Are you like them?”

I was nothing like Kyn or Kolis, but Veses… What had she said after she told me she’d leveled half her Court when Kolis brought Sotoria back?

Our violent reactions regarding the ones we love is something we have in common.

We did have that in common.

But that was the only thing.

“No,” I said. “I’m not like them.”

“Thank fuck you said that,” he replied. “You just carry those marks differently, Sera. The fact that we’re even having this conversation proves that.” His gaze found mine. “All of us, the good and the bad, are a little monstrous. I am no better than you.”

A damn knot lodged in my throat, just as it had when he said this before we left to meet with Kolis to gain his approval for the coronation.

“But those parts?” Eather streaked across his irises. “They don’t define you. They are not the sum of who you are. They never were.”

“Do you believe that about yourself?” I asked, knowing he had far more good in him than I did in me. But he didn’t see it that way. “And the monstrous things you’ve done?”

“I’m starting to,” he admitted.

Surprise flickered through me. “What changed that?”

“You.”

I rocked back. “Me?”

“Yes, you.” His smile returned. “Because someone like you couldn’t love me if I were the sum of the worst things I’ve done.”

My breath caught as my emotions swelled. His features blurred. “I think I’m going to cry.”

“That is not the response I was going for.” Concern filled his tone as he rose slightly.

“It’s because you’re being sweet!” I exclaimed, blinking tears from my eyes. “And I don’t know why I’m so damn emotional. I was never this way until I met you. It’s annoying.”

Ash chuckled, relief easing into his features. “It’s cute.”

“I completely disagree with that statement,” I muttered, pulling myself together. “But back to the riders. They said I didn’t slay the monster, but I did wound it.”

A moment passed. “Did they find you worthy?”

“They did. So, I can now call on them if I want to end the realms.” I rolled my eyes. “Or something.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” he remarked, earning a sidelong glance from me. “But I’m not surprised. Because what I’ve sensed in you is not cruelty, Sera. That is not what feeds this monster you speak of.”

I almost asked him what did but stopped myself. What Ash sensed in me now was totally influenced by how he felt about me, and I didn’t need my intuition to tell me that.

The truth was, Ash was right about some of the stuff he said. I wasn’t evil. Kolis, Kyn, and even Veses were. None of them had started out that way, but they’d become evil. Me? I felt like I was somewhere in the middle of good and evil, teetering on a fine line. And I couldn’t help but think that the true Primal of Life should be all good. Or, at the very least, mostly good.

Like Ash.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“I…I was just thinking about you,” I said after a moment. “Like how your father wanted you to be the true Primal of Life. Everyone here wanted that.”

But something went wrong when Eythos struck that deal with the desperate Roderick Mierel and placed the embers and Sotoria’s soul in my bloodline. I wasn’t reborn as Sotoria, and the embers became mine. Those two things were only the start of what had gone sideways with Eythos’s plan.

“They were expecting me to Ascend to be the true Primal of Life, but I didn’t,” he said, propping his cheek up with a fist. “You did. There is no changing that, Sera.”

“I get that. I’m just…” Words I shouldn’t speak bubbled up. “I never desired to be a Queen or to rule anything or anyone.” I sat up then, pulling my knees to my chest. Ash followed suit as I said, “I never wanted that kind of power, and I still don’t. But I understand this cannot be changed. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to be a Queen, let alone the Primal of Life.”

Extending an arm, he brushed his fingers over the curve of my cheek. A faint charge of energy followed the contact. “Just be yourself.”

I barked out a short laugh. “Really? Do you think that’s good advice? Because being myself usually ends with me punching someone when they irritate me, and that doesn’t sound like queenly behavior.”