‘Thorn,’ he groans my name again, but I don’t respond. Instead, I work the top button on his trousers. His eyes gaze down at me as he bites his lip. Gods, those eyes, he could devour me with those alone.

Impatience gets the better of me, and with only two of his buttons undone, I reach up and wrap my hands around his neck, pulling him back down onto me. His tongue rakes the inside of my mouth as I finally feel the length of him pressing against me again.

How can I need something this much? How can my body know complete and utter desperation for something it’s never felt before?

‘I need you.’ The words leave my mouth unbidden. ‘I need all of you. Inside me. Now.’

His hands graze over my breasts and my stomach as if he, too, needs to feel every last bit of me, yet when his fingers reach my waistband, they stop. I wait for him to work the buttons. To finally expose me so he can take me however he wants, but his hands continue to hover right where they are.

‘Don’t stop.’ The words are perforated by my breath. ‘Don’t stop. I need this. I need … I need …’ I don’t even know how to finish that sentence.

He stands up and edges away from the bed. I assume it’s to give me room to undo my own trousers, but when I look up at him, his face is tight with a sudden frown.

‘Why?’ he whispers.

‘What?’ I’m still fighting with my buttons, my fingers fumbling and slowed by confusion.

‘Why?’ he says again. ‘Why do you need this? Is it because you think this is the only way I’ll keep your secret?’

‘What?’ I sit upright, aware of the throbbing that continues between my legs. The rhythm of my pulse that’s desperate to be matched by his own.

‘No, no …’ I want to pull him back down on top of me and continue what we started, but he remains out of reach.

‘You didn’t want this,’ he growls, not even looking me in the eye. ‘The other night when I came to you. You didn’t want this. But today … suddenly now you do? Nothing’s changed except I hold your secret.’

‘What? No. I … I … You were drunk then.’

His eyes lock back onto mine. ‘So that’s the only reason? You just happened to choose today out of all days to come and seduce me by pure coincidence?’

I open my mouth, but no words come out. What do I say? That I wanted him all along, but I was fighting it for my own sanity? That wanting him felt like a betrayal of my entire family, my entire past, but today I couldn’t fight it any longer? Or is he right? Is some part of me doing this so that he will keep my secret?

No. No, of course I’m not. This is what I want. The damn trials have taken life after life, and who knows if they’ll take mine before the end. Right now this is all I want, and this might be the only chance I have to get it. But as I clear my mind, and my throat, I already know I took too long to respond.

‘You need to go,’ he says, picking up my shirt and throwing it at me. ‘I need you to go now.’

‘Kyor.’ I stand and reach for him, but he recoils from me.

‘You don’t have to fuck me to keep me silent. I’m not going to tell anyone.’

‘I didn’t think you would!’ I shake my head. How did things go to shit so fast? ‘I never thought you’d tell anyone,’ I repeat.

His head whips up. ‘So you trust me? Utterly?’ His voice is a low purr that trembles down my spine as he takes a step towards me. ‘Tell me you trust me and we can carry on where we just stopped. Believe me, there is nothing I want more than that, Thorn. Just tell me that you trust me. Truly trust me.’

My pulse is drumming and my breathing is ragged, but it’s not just the hunger to feel him inside me that’s causing it. It’s the pain. The confusion. I believe what I said – that I don’t think he’ll tell anyone what he saw – but now the past is merging with the present. After what he and his family did to mine all those years ago … trust? It’s a hard-won thing.

‘I … I …’ I stutter.

I know what I want to tell him. I want to tell him the words that will have his lips back on mine and his body inside me. Yet they refuse to form. Because what good can come of this closeness between us? How can we possibly have a future together? How can I explain this to Kay when Kyor and his father are responsible for our family’s ruin? Our brother’s death? Every logical partial thought I have is telling me to walk away. And yet I cannot leave.

He grimaces. ‘If it’s that difficult for you to say, then I think we already know the answer.’ Without another word, he picks up his shirt, slips it over his head, and turns for the door.

‘You know your way back,’ he growls just before the door clicks closed behind him.

OceanofPDF.com

Chapter 52

Ionly realise I’m heading up to the smoke-stained shell of my previous room when the charred stairs creak beneath my feet. I assume Caroline will be with Llin, and I don’t need them to question where I’ve been for the last half an hour. Or what happened when I went to speak to Jonas. In truth, there’s a lot of the day I want to push from my mind and pretend never happened, but the best I can hope for now is a decent night’s sleep.

As I open the door and the smell of ash fills my nostrils, I freeze. There, on the windowsill, are three ravens. Three.

The sight should see me running for literally anywhere else, but I don’t have the energy. Instead, I curl up on my bed and close my eyes.

When I go down to breakfast the next morning, Llinos and Benny are waiting for me, and they’re not alone. Jonas is at the table and eating. It’s a definite improvement over yesterday. He flashes me a smile, though I struggle to meet his gaze as I think about the way his hand reached for my cheek. The way he wanted to kiss me. And the way I immediately ran to Kyor, only to be rejected in the most humiliating way possible. Suffice to say, I didn’t get up for our early training session this morning.

‘Is it just me, or does everyone else not feel like having a celebratory ball tonight?’ Llinos picks at the pastry in front of her as her gaze flitters down to the end of the dining table where Seiren is sitting alone. I’m sure they asked her to join us, but like most of the remaining Rettlings, she doesn’t look like she’s in the mood for company. ‘The fewer and fewer there are of us, the harder it is not to think about how it could be your last.’ Llinos looks glum. This whole thing is really taking its toll on her. On all of us.

‘Hey!’ I nudge her. ‘It’s absolutely not going to be your last one.’

She sighs. ‘I know I’m hardcore, but I’m just saying. It feels wrong, you know? To be swanning around in luxury when so many people haven’t made it.’

I don’t reply. There’re always people dying, I think, as my mind flickers from the slums to Kyor’s etches on the battle yard wall.

‘Balls are a distraction,’ Jonas says tightly. ‘We need to think about the next trial.’

There’s an efficiency in his voice. An urgency. Like it’s not the ball he doesn’t want to think about, but Kestria. Not that I can blame him. We all have different ways of coping with things. Normally I’d use brewing to distract myself from everything that’s going on. Maybe I should try that again. Still, if Jonas wants to take the lead on whatever’s coming next, I’m hardly going to hold that against him.

‘It has to be pairs, and it has to be water,’ Benny replies.

‘We’ve already done water, remember?’ I point out.

He snorts. ‘That was ice. It doesn’t count. There’s always one in the actual water, whether it is swimming or rowing somewhere dangerous with boats. And the Ofur is always a solo task, but I can’t imagine that it will be water-based.’

If it is, I’m screwed, I think to myself. It’s not just about how weak a swimmer I am. If any of that spectre’s magic is still flowing through me, a massive body of water would be the worst place for it to show up. I’m pretty sure that freezing so much as a puddle would be enough to get Kay and me killed.