‘Maybe something. Maybe nothing.’ I shrug. ‘Now budge. I need sleep.’

It’s another half hour before I’m actually in bed, though rather than sleeping, my head is unsettled. Benny and Jonas have gone off to hunt down a home brew one of the Galreckians – either Moryal or Del – has made, while Llin is silent in her bed and Loch mutters as he stares out of the window.

I’ve never actually made the infusion I put in the water today, and while I’m almost positive it won’t do any permanent damage, I can’t deny a twinge of fear.

Then there’s the conversation with Zelle. If he knows the truth about my family, then how many other people do? My instinct is to say none, to assume he’s the only person close enough for Kyor to share that secret with, but what do I really know of the prince? Nothing except what I’ve seen of him here. For all I know, he could have told everyone, maybe even bragged about it. Perhaps that was what he was laughing about with the kitchen staff when I found him there that day. My gut churns. Instinct tells me that’s not right, that Kyor’s not like that. He’s arrogant and confident, yes, but not a braggart.

Atoning, Zelle had said. That implies remorse, doesn’t it?

‘Rose, are you still awake?’ Llinos’s voice drifts from the other side of the room.

‘Yeah, just.’

I hear the creaking of her bed, and a moment passes before her weight settles on the mattress next to me.

‘I’ve been thinking,’ she continues to whisper, ‘about you and Kay. When all this is over.’

‘That feels like a long way away right now,’ I admit.

‘I know. I know it does. But I was thinking that when it’s over, if you don’t want to stay – and I’m not saying you won’t, I’m just saying if – then you could come back with us to the Eastern Isles. There’ll be a home for you in Brandish. With me. With Caroline.’

‘Caroline’s leaving the High Hold?’ I remember the argument I overheard where Llinos said Caroline was at risk. But what kind of risky situation can a scribe be in, other than paper cuts and being bored to death by old men like Rohan? I’m missing a piece of the puzzle, and it doesn’t feel good.

‘Yeah. You better believe that as soon as this is over, we’re going to be out of here.’ She reaches out, pulling me closer to her. ‘There are things you can do on the island. The ointments you make, the balms, the infusions. There are people who do that, like healers, but without magic. You could work there. I’d be able to find work for Kay, too. I know it. You’d be comfortable. I’d make sure of it.’ Her voice is passionate, and I find that I believe her utterly. My eyes are suddenly hot. For the first time, it feels like winning the Retterheld isn’t the only option for me. That maybe just staying alive will be enough to give Kay and me a whole new chance at life.

I try to imagine it, Kay and I leaving behind the mainland for a fresh start. I haven’t even been to the Eastern Isles; what if we don’t like it? And there’s also Jonas’s offer to consider.

‘I know we haven’t known each other that long,’ Llinos says fiercely, ‘but the Retterheld is a crucible of fire. It burns like shit, but it also forges damn good friendships. I honestly believe that I was meant to find you, Rose. And now I can’t imagine a life without you in it. But take your time. Think about it. You don’t have to answer me now.’

Her last words make me realise I’ve been silent too long.

‘Yes,’ I say, but it comes out in a half-sob. ‘Thank you. Thank you so much.’

For a moment we just lie there, holding each other, and then Llinos shifts. ‘We should get some sleep.’

As I try to sleep, my mind fills with thoughts of the future. An actual future where it would be about living, not just surviving. When I finally drift off, I dream of sitting on a cliff edge with Kay and watching the waves crash against the cliffs. It’s so vivid that I can almost taste the salty air and feel the breeze whip through my hair. As we sit there, holding hands and staring at the blue, the howl of the wind grows louder and louder until it’s a clangour. A clangour that forces me to cover my ears before it finally shakes me from my sleep.

Not the wind, I realise with a sickening bolt of nausea. A bell. A Godsdamn trial bell.

‘What time is it?’ I yawn.

‘I don’t think it’s even midnight,’ Llinos replies. ‘Benny’s not in bed yet. Unless he’s bunking with Jonas. Here we go again,’ she says, sounding resigned.

I nod my head, unable to form a proper reply. It’s the second trial. And it’s starting now.

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Chapter 36

Iassess what to take with me as we dress hurriedly. Do I want to take my entire bag? I’ve got Estel’s sword, as well as my daggers, but that’s a lot to carry. Then again, is being without weapons a risk I want to take?

Last time, a few swords against the giants would’ve helped. But are we likely to be fighting again? Surely it will be something more strategic … but what? Several recent evenings have been spent discussing past Retterhelds, and despite everyone’s best efforts, it seems almost impossible to deduce a pattern in the trials. We know that a magicless trial and likely a water trial will both come at some point, but in what order, no one knows. Sometimes the frozen lakes in the north of the territory have been used, but other years, multiple trials have taken place in the Sunken Temple. I’m not sure how staying silent while fighting would pan out, but maybe the priestesses don’t count screaming as a word.

Hesitating, I force myself to take a calming breath and clear my thoughts. I definitely need to be armed, so I grab Estel’s sword and the blade I used to slit the jötunn’s throat, then hesitate again. I still know next to nothing about the blade from Dinah, although there seemed to be a theme with the Rettlings that it harmed significantly. The knighted guard who was killed in the same way as Jai had been rumoured to have assaulted one of the maids on the night of the first ball, and while no one had anything specific to say about the Galreckian who died, no one had a single pleasant word to say of him either.

But maybe the fact that Dinah gave me the blade is all I need to know. With a sudden spur of decisiveness, I take the knife out of its box and slide it next to the other in my belt, then follow Llinos out of the room, downstairs, and into the courtyard. Once again, the carriages are waiting for us.

We move to go together, but a priestess steps between us.

‘You will travel alone to this trial,’ she says.

Llinos and I exchange a look. That’s not what either of us wanted to hear.

‘It’ll be fine,’ she says, offering me a swift hug. ‘I’ll see you at the end.’

Assuming we both survive. That’s the thing neither of us says.

I’m just about to step inside my carriage when a voice yells from across the courtyard.

‘Rose! Hold on!’ Jonas is sprinting towards me. When he stops, he grabs my hands and pulls me in towards him.

‘No risks, I know.’ I roll my eyes at him.

A smile flickers on his lips before he leans in and presses them against mine.

The kiss catches me by surprise. So much so that my body turns rigid until he steps away.

‘I’ll see you afterwards. At the ball. With Kay and Will and everyone else.’

I nod, still in shock at the moment I didn’t see coming.

‘Just friends, hey?’ Llinos smirks from the carriage beside me. ‘You’d better survive this because I’ve got some serious questions.’

She’s not the only one. As I stand there in confusion, I feel a scalding glance on me, burning my skin. I turn to locate the owner, and I meet Kyor’s glare. Jaw tight, he turns and gets into a carriage of his own.

The moment with Jonas isn’t enough to bury the anxiety I feel at being in the carriage alone. I need someone to talk to. To distract me. To tell me which direction we’re going in or repeat how important it is that we work together to get through this. Talking helps alleviate my fears. Being stuck in my head does not.