‘It’s fine, trust me. I get it.’

An apology rises in her eyes and she smiles softly. ‘Look, I actually have two hours before I’m needed upstairs to listen to another old man drone on about all the crazy things he believes he saw in battle, so why don’t I help you look for the books you’re after?’

‘Really? That’d be amazing,’ I reply, grateful for the change of subject, though Jai and Coulter’s faces remain at the back of my mind. ‘I wonder if there are any books on ceremonial daggers? Specifically the one that the priestess used today for the vow. It obviously had some magic imbued in it and I was just wondering if I could find out about it.’

‘Well, I’m no expert on daggers,’ she says, ‘or priestesses either, but I’m sure we can find something. Let’s have a look.’

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Chapter 23

An hour later and I’m leaving the library with four great tomes. Two are on weapons in general, one is on ceremonial weapons in particular, and the last is on the Retterheld itself. The more I know about the different trials, the more I’ll be able to prepare. I hope. Surprised by their weight and disgruntled at my lack of strength, I carry the books up to my room. Once there, I change and head down to the battle yard.

Even though I took a fair while at the library, there are still very few people practising. The knighted guards, including Grenda, are all in a conversation with Zelle on the far side of the space.

Estel is practising ducking and jabbing with a large, enchanted bag that swings back and forth, constantly changing angle and height.

For a minute, all I can do is watch her. She’s fast but inaccurate with her shots, and if she’s got magic to help her, she’s not using it. Her only method is avoidance. It would be lovely if that could get us through, but I doubt it will. We’re going to need to fight, maybe even kill. I’ve never done that before, but I need to steel myself to the possibility. For Kay, there’s nothing I won’t do.

Over in the corner, Benny is sparring with Loch. It’s not a gentle practice. They’re really fighting. They’re angry, and I don’t blame them.

A surge of sadness rolls through me, and for a second, I consider going over and offering them my condolences, but words won’t help them. Even the gifting can’t bring their friend back. The dead always remain so.

‘They need to work this out in their own way,’ a voice says behind me, causing me to start. I turn and find myself facing Zelle for the second time today. ‘Did you find what you wanted in the library?’

‘I’m not sure,’ I reply truthfully. ‘Can I ask something?’

‘Aye. Doesn’t mean I’ll answer though.’ He winks, and I soften a little more to the old man. I’m sure he’s a cold, hard killer when he needs to be, but he’s been nothing but kind to me, and I’m grateful for it.

‘Did you know the knife would do that?’ I ask him. ‘Did you know it would make some people bleed more than others?’

‘No,’ he replies. ‘But I wouldn’t have told you if I had as it wouldn’t have changed things. All it would have done is increase the fear, and fear has no place in the Retterheld.’

I raise an eyebrow.

‘Surely fear is inevitable in the trials and has its place,’ I say. ‘Adrenaline, for example. It helps you focus.’

‘Nerves or apprehension can help hone focus, yes. But true fear freezes you, distracts you,’ he explains. ‘The best thing you can do is know yourself. Know your weaknesses. Know your fears. Know your strengths. Know when you can push yourself, and when you need to slow down. Knowing yourself inside and out, that’s the best preparation you can get.’

‘Is that what you did when you went into battle?’ I ask, expecting him to reply with an equally loquacious answer. Instead, he arches an eyebrow.

‘Who said anything about a battle?’ He smiles. ‘That’s just how I get through the day.’

A startled laugh bursts out of me, and it shocks me. When was the last time I laughed?

The commander looks pleased with himself as he claps me on the shoulder and then walks away.

I think I like Zelle.

‘Rose! Great, you’re here.’ Jonas stands behind me, holding a note in his hand. ‘My father just sent me this. It’s about Kay.’

‘What does it say?’ The adrenaline that Zelle told me to get hold of surges through me.

‘He’s brought her to court. She’ll stay with him in our quarters until the Retterheld is over.’

Relief floods through me. I knew I wasn’t hallucinating. She was there in the Sunken Temple. She saw me take my vows.

‘She’s definitely okay?’ I ask again.

‘It doesn’t say much, just that she’s here. But I guess yeah, she’s all right.’

‘Here, in the High Hold …’ My heart skips. I’ve only been away from her for a day and a half, but it’s the longest we’ve ever been separated and the absence hurts like hell. There are things I should have said to her. Like not to forget the health tonic mother always made us take.

‘She’ll be at the ball, I expect,’ Jonas says. ‘After the first trial. You can see her then. Provided you stay alive, that is.’

There’s something about his tone that makes me feel like he’s not sure that’s going to happen, and he’s probably right. If I don’t start training, I’m going to be screwed. Well, Zelle’s offered private training sessions, and I’d be a fool not to take him up on it, and I’m no fool. Looks like tomorrow, I’m getting up early. But for now, I have Jonas to train with.

‘Well, rather than talking, you could always help me fight?’ Grinning with the knowledge that Kay is safe for now, I stride over to the rack of weapons and grab a sword. But as I move to lift it out of its hold, it stays exactly where it is. Even when I alter my grip and try again, the damn thing refuses to budge.

‘Are these things spelled in place?’ I ask. I’m looking at Jonas when I speak, but it’s a voice behind me that replies.

‘No, they’re not.’ Still dressed in the plain black shirt he was wearing in the kitchen, Kyor pushes past me and picks the sword up like it weighs nothing more than a feather.

I don’t know how long he’s been there, but I refuse to let him sully my good mood, especially when I know he won’t kill me here. I offer him the sweetest smile I can muster.

‘I prefer daggers anyway,’ I say, locking eyes with him as I speak. ‘You know, so I’m up close when I plunge it into you … I mean, whoever it is I’m fighting.’ I offer him the hint of a smirk as I pick up one of the light push daggers he pointed out in the early hours of this morning.

His ever-present look of superiority is so damned infuriating. ‘Ready when you are, Thorn.’

I ignore his response and stride past him with my shoulders back.

‘You know, sometimes I think you have a death wish,’ Jonas says as he trails after me.

‘I don’t,’ I assure him. ‘I just don’t make friends with arseholes.’

‘I guess I’ll take that as a compliment.’ He grins. ‘Now, let’s see what you remember.’

It turns out, I remember precious little. After three days of getting up in the dark to train with Zelle before the other Rettlings awake, and then training with Jonas and the Eastern Islanders all day, my muscles are so sore that I can’t remember what it’s like not to ache with every breath I take.

Breakfast in the dining hall is always a noisy affair because waking up and knowing we’re actually going to see another morning feels like enough of a reason to celebrate. Which, in the Retterheld, I guess it is.

‘How are you still able to walk?’ I huff to Llinos as I follow her to our table. ‘Do your muscles not feel like lead?’

‘They’re definitely tight,’ she admits, ‘but we’ve trained a lot. You know, since birth.’

So had I. Even when we were first stripped and moved to the fifth, we trained daily. It’s just these last few years in the slums that saw it slip. Badly. It’s hard to practise running laps anywhere when you’re so hungry you get light-headed just walking to the market.