“I can, actually. The pets did nothing wrong. But we could shank the classmates themselves— ”

“Juno forbade that, too! No violence against minors,” she singsongs, in the worst imitation of Juno I’ve had the pleasure to witness. I’m still pondering avenues for revenge, but Misery continues. “It sucks. I constantly feel like I’m not equipped for this. And the reason it hurts so much is that . . . I want to be. I adore her. But would she be better off if I went away? And Lowe, his life would be so much easier with a Were mate. I should leave him, right? But I love him so much. Almost as much as he loves me.”

I laugh, and some gross snot comes out.

“But, Serena, the thing about Ana and Lowe and Juno and every other person I’ll meet for the rest of my life is . . . they’re not you. They don’t get it. They’re never going to get it.” I think— I know that if she could cry, she would. I certainly am. “Just like Koen or Amanda are never going to get it. They’ll get other things. They’ll get other moments— they’ll get their own exclusives. But they won’t get this.”

What a shameless abuse of the verb “to get.” And yet. “I can’t believe I know exactly what you mean.”

“It’s because you— ”

“Get it. Yes.”

Two normal friends would exchange a hug. We just sit back in our respective places and stare at each other, fondly amused by our very own idiocy. “Ribbit,” the frog says, and we both nod in agreement.

“You haven’t even told me that you’re in love with Koen,” she whines.

“How do you— ”

“Come on, Serena.”

I shrug. “He can’t be with me, anyway.”

“Yeah. It’s just . . .”

“What?”

“I don’t know. Koen’s not the kind of guy who lets himself be limited by stuff like people saying no.”

“And yet.”

“Yeah. What else have you been hiding? Don’t bother saying ‘nothing,’ because— ”

“I might want to stay here,” I blurt out.

“Oh.” Misery looks around, like she doesn’t quite know what to say. Honestly, it’s endearing as fuck. “In the . . . hospital?”

“No, I . . . I love this place. The Northwest. I don’t know if it’s because part of me remembers being here when I was a kid, but it feels like home. And I think I might want to live here, even if I can’t be with Koen. This is such a large territory, and I could be out of his way, and . . . Would you hate me?”

“What? No. We’ll still see each other all the time. I mean, look at Lowe and Koen. They are just as codependent as we are.”

“Are they?”

“Oh, come on. Koen is Lowe’s . . . If I said father figure, would that make things weird?”

“So weird.”

“Okay, then let’s say, the older brother Lowe always needed. He basically saved his life when he took him in, and I think Koen is proud of Lowe. I once overheard him say that ‘raising the kid’ was the best thing he’d ever done. If they can make it work, so can we. I don’t care if we’re close geographically. I just want to feel like I know what’s going on with your life.”

I nod gratefully. “Since we’re being honest: Deep down, aren’t you glad you had to skip through the whole death false alarm thing?”

“Yes, but that’s beside the point. And you deprived me of the pleasure of making fun of you for having a three-day compulsory fuckfest.” She sighs. “Serena?”

“Mmm?”

“Should we cut each other’s toenails and talk about the knot thing?”

I think about how little I want to do it. How overdue we are. “Are there clippers in the bathroom?”

She stands and goes to look for some.

CHAPTER 39

“I know it might seem like a difficult decision, but it’s for the best, Koen,” Xabier tells him. The rest of the Assembly nods with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

He feels as though the ground beneath his feet is no longer solid.

IDON’T KNOW,” AMANDA TELLS ME WHEN I ASK HER IF KOEN WILL be forced to step down.

“It’s not that simple,” Saul adds, sticking closer to her than he has in the last few weeks. They entered Koen’s cabin holding hands, or maybe it was an optical illusion. “They can’t demand that he steps down. They don’t have that kind of power. They’re not, like, our real fathers.”

Amanda stabs him with her eyes. “What they could say is that they are unwilling to stick with the Northwest.”

“Was it Anneke who told them? Is it because he kissed me in front of her?”

“It’s not just that,” Jorma explains, looking up from a ream of paperwork that’s thicker than my wrist. “Anneke, Xabier, and Conan were there when you were hurt. It left little doubt that Koen is emotionally compromised. This is less of a controlling body sanctioning a misbehaved child, and more of a conversation between adults regarding the future of the pack. Most likely, they’ll give him an ultimatum and ask that you leave the core.”

“I’m sorry. I— ”

“Serena. Honey.” Saul gives me a square look. “You literally took a bullet for the Alpha of this pack. I’m going to need you to never apologize again. And yes, I’ll have another slice of that coffee cake.”

I feel obscenely guilty. I think about it for the rest of the day, through the steady stream of visitors whose names I barely remember, and hardly sleep overnight. “That’s ideal,” Misery says, exchanging a mutually distrustful look with Twinkles. Ana decided that if he wants, he should be allowed indoors, and who was I to tell her no? Hopefully, Koen won’t mind that he’s fully moved into his room. “Since I’m here. We can spend our time making fun of Were Alphas and the sticks up their asses together.”

Koen doesn’t return until the following afternoon, when Ana is at the local airport with Amanda, waiting for Lowe to land. Misery is asleep in Koen’s closet, and I almost step on her when I go to steal another one of his hoodies. Clearly, it wasn’t just the Heat that made me partial to them.

Then, as I make toast to satisfy my newfound, ravenous appetite, a brilliant idea occurs to me.

The closet would be a spectacular hiding place. I can picture myself calmly talking this through with Koen. I could live under your bed. Have you heard of the concept of “dirty little secret”? Let’s be real, it’s not as though I love hanging out with people lately.

I press the toaster’s lever. Which won’t stay down.

I could hide in there with Twinkles. We could share some tasty bones.

Push.

Read. Sleep. Find some remote finance job and pull my weight.

Push.

I can’t be used against you if no one knows that I exist. So really, this is the best solution for all of us.

Push, push, push, push—

Two things happen in rapid succession. First, the spring mechanism in the toaster gives out. Then the door opens. When I whirl around, Koen is at the entrance. His eyes linger on my face for a moment, then flick to my fingers.

Which are still grasping the lever.

Which has fallen off.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I blurt out, feeling caught red-handed, even more than when Misery saw me draw hearts around Mr. Lumiere’s name.

Koen nods, closing the door behind him. He looks . . .

I want to throw myself at him. I want to bite his neck and squeeze him and inhale his scent so deep, it’ll never leave my lungs. Instead I take in his long-suffering expression and try not to flinch.

“I think your toaster is broken,” I inform him.

“You don’t say.”

“No, I mean— it was broken before.”

“Was it?” His gaze travels to a spot on the counter. I follow it, and . . .

Okay. Fine. The damn toaster wasn’t plugged in, and I have learned nothing. Cool. “You, um, might need a new one,” I say, with all the dignity I can muster. Which is appallingly little. “Because I’m a generous person, I will pay for it.”

“Will you.”

“Yeah. I’ll even go buy it at the store.” I hold out my hand. Why am I close to tears? “Give me the keys to your car.”