So why not?

Because you’re about to give up the ghost. And because he has told you multiple times how little he wants you. That’s why not. When it comes to Koen’s desires, are you really going to believe Amanda over Koen himself?

No. I won’t. The issue is simple enough: Koen may want me, but he doesn’t want to want me.

Still, there’s no reason for him to blue ball it.

“He doesn’t need to be,” I tell Amanda, ignoring the acid taste of the words on my tongue. Maybe she’ll let him know. Maybe she’ll sign him up for a dating app named Howlr, which someone should totally invent. He probably has a bunch of fuck buddies lined up already.

“What do you mean?”

“Just that since Koen and I are not . . . It doesn’t mean that he has to be all . . . pent up. Not that he would need my permission. But since I’m staying at his house, it might be difficult for him to . . . I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can make myself scarce. And I wouldn’t complain or anything if he were to bring someone over to . . .” I force out a smile, feeling nauseous. “Slake his lustful concupiscence.”

She studies me for such a long stretch, I wonder whether my babbling has hypnotized her.

“Amanda? Is everything okay?”

“Has Koen not told you? Or Lowe? Or anyone else?”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

She takes a deep breath. Runs the back of her hand over her mouth. And then resigns herself to be the one to give me the news. “Serena, the Alpha of Northwest pack is traditionally asked to honor a celibacy covenant. He’s forbidden by law to engage in any kind of intimate relationships— emotional or physical.”

CHAPTER 16

He told her that he would never touch her because he didn’t want her enough; in truth, he will never touch her because he wants her too much. The make-believe, he thinks, was kinder to both of them.

I’M STILL WORKING ON GRASPING THE IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT Amanda revealed, but she’s already doling out more. “. . .not much has changed for him. Your presence, that’s throwing him off. At least, I think so— Koen’s not really the type to walk around griping about the discontented state of his nuts. And he never seemed affected by the covenant. He’s been dealing with it for twenty years, but I doubt it was a burden to him. I’ve never even seen him look at a woman, so— ”

“Why?”

“Excuse me?”

“Lowe is with Misery. I know that the Alpha of one of the New England packs has a mate. Was this rule made for Koen?”

Amanda massages her eyes. “It’s complicated.”

“How so?”

“The celibacy covenant used to be common practice in packs. The idea is that if a pack gives an Alpha absolute power over them, the Alpha should be able to guarantee that the well-being of the pack will be the most important thing for them. But if every decision needs to be made for the good of the pack— ”

“Other priorities are a threat,” I finish, starting to understand. “Like a partner. Or children.”

“Precisely,” she mumbles, frowning as she takes a sip of coffee.

“But you don’t agree?”

“I . . . In theory, it makes sense. But falling in love and establishing relationships are not necessarily things one can control. And that’s before throwing in the issue of biological mates. Only a tiny percentage of us find one, but when we do . . .” Her eyes lift to the clearing above us. Koen and a pewter-gray wolf almost as large as he snarl at each other. “It was a difficult rule. Not to mention, some Alphas would take the covenant but disregard it.”

“Secret vitamin D deficient family in the basement?”

“In the crawl space, in the attic. Depending on the soil type and the frost line, but yes, pretty much.” She snorts. “The rule became obsolete. Some packs began ignoring it, others phased it out. But there were some hiccups.” Another sip, slower this time. “Although, if you want my opinion . . . Well, you didn’t ask, so— ”

“I’d love to know it, though,” I hurry to say.

“In that case, prepare for a world-class harangue.” She turns. Her knee bumps into mine. “Alphas are people. And people make mistakes. That’s why packs have systems of checks and balances. We have an Assembly that can dispute the Alpha’s decisions if need be. And rules are well and good, but all they can affect is behavior. They cannot police something as personal and disorderly as a feeling, so— ” She stops, maybe realizing that she is, in fact, haranguing. When she resumes, her tone is softer. “Seventy or so years ago, the rule was slowly being rolled back all over North America. The Midwest pack was at the forefront of that. And after a decade or so, the first reports of leaders taking advantage of their newfound freedom started bleeding through. An Alpha fucking his way through his own pack. Granting privileges in exchange for sex. Quid pro quo stuff.”

My stomach turns. “Did they stop him?”

“He was challenged and is currently fertilizing the world’s most rancid corncob. But it felt like a cautionary tale. The Northwest decided to keep the celibacy covenant, and for the following decades, our Alphas seemed okay with it. Not everyone wants to be sexually active or in a relationship, you know? It was a problem for later.” Amanda chews at her lower lip. “And then later came.”

“Was that four decades ago? The Alpha before Koen?”

“A little less than that. But yeah.” She sets the mug down, as if she’ll need all her limbs for this. “She was a fantastic Alpha. Also, she was in love and unapologetic about it. She asked the Assembly to rescind the covenant. According to my mother, at the time the Assembly was a crock of geezers whose main hobby was to shake their fists at the clouds. Or maybe they were just cautious. They studied every known case of Alpha misconduct, came up with a hundred scenarios in which revoking the covenant would lead to an asteroid shower extinguishing all aerobic life, and denied her.”

“Is that why the huddles seceded?”

“Yup. I was born within the core, that year. And the huddles . . . Even after the partitioning, most members’ instinct was still to unite under one Alpha. The Assembly continued to exist as an entity, to ensure good relations among the huddles, which all formed a loose alliance. And over the years, as new huddle leaders were elected, its composition changed to more progressive Weres, and . . . the tide was shifting. It seemed certain that the pack would reunite soon enough.” Her fingers tighten around the balustrade. “And then we were attacked.”

“Amanda, I— ”

“You’re sorry, I know.” She reaches out to me with a small smile. Clasps my upper arm through the fabric of my sweater. “I appreciate it, Serena.”

“I know it was the Humans, and I— ”

“What?” Her eyes round in surprise. “Who told you that?”

“Brenna.”

She rolls her eyes. “That’s not true, and such a bullshit read of what . . . Humans were involved, yes, but the true responsibility is with the Weres.”

“Wow, that’s both my species. What a coincidence.”

Amanda laughs. Squeezes me one last time before letting go. “You’re no more to blame for this than I am. Or Koen. He was fifteen, but he took over, neutralized the threat, convinced the huddles that we’d be stronger together. And when the Assembly’s condition was to reintroduce the celibacy covenant . . .”

“He agreed.” I nod, ignoring the rocks in my stomach. Koen doesn’t need me feeling sorry for him.

“It’s kinda funny. I mean, Koen truly does whatever the fuck he wants. He hasn’t met a rule he didn’t love to break, but the covenant . . . he’s a stickler for that one.” A small shrug. “I’m just not sure that he cares to be, at the moment.”

I don’t get it, the weight settling on my chest. Koen is a powerful man with near-unlimited resources and the adoration of the masses. Some masses. He even has his own private fight club— the dream of every thirty-six-year-old teenaged man.