“Hey man, grab a shower and get back out here.”

“Maybe. I’m tired.”

“Don’t be a pussy. We’re heading to the bar soon. Party until then and if you’re still tired, you can crash when we clear out.”

“Okay.”

I took a shower and pulled on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, leaving my feet bare. Weaving through the people partying in my kitchen, I said hi to the ones I knew and wondered where the hell the rest came from. I grabbed a Coke and a pizza box out of the refrigerator, then leaned against the counter eating the slices cold.

“Hi, T.J.,” a girl said, coming over to lean against the counter next to me.

“Hey.” She looked familiar, but I couldn’t think of her name.

“Alex,” she said.

“That’s right. Now I remember.” She was the girl that sat down next to me on the couch at Coop’s party when I first got back from the island. The one with long blond hair and too much makeup. I kept eating my pizza.

She leaned around me to the refrigerator and opened it. When she bent over to grab a beer, her boobs almost fell out of her tank top.

“Do you want one,” she said, holding up a can.

I drained the last of my Coke. “Sure.”

She grabbed another beer and handed it to me. When I finished eating I opened it, took a long drink, and set it back down on the counter.

Ben walked in and handed me a lit joint. I took it and inhaled, holding the smoke deep in my lungs. After exhaling, I asked Alex, “You want a hit?”

She nodded, took a long drag, and handed it back to me. We killed it off, taking turns back and forth. Maybe if I got high enough I’d actually sleep through the night instead of waking up every hour.

Alex handed me another beer. When I went into the living room to sit on the couch, she followed me. She never left my side after that.

We drank beer and took hits until I couldn’t see straight. People cleared out to go to the bar with Ben, and then it was just Alex and me. I was about to tell her to catch up with the others because I wanted to crash, but before I could say anything, she stood up, swaying, and pulled me toward my bedroom. When she put her hand between my legs, I stopped thinking with my brain and let another part of my body take over.

My pounding head woke me the next morning. Alex lay beside me, naked, with makeup smeared across her face.

I threw back the covers and headed for the door, grabbing some clothes on my way out. There was something stuck to the bottom of my foot, and I bent down and removed the condom wrapper I had stepped on.

Thank God.

I tossed it into the garbage can when I got to the bathroom. The hot water filled the room with steam and I took a shower, washing all traces of Alex away. I dressed and brushed my teeth, then went into the kitchen and drank three glasses of ice water.

I was watching T.V. when she walked into the living room a half hour later. She found her purse and jacket, and I met her at the door. “Take a cab,” I said, pushing a crumpled ten into her hand.

“Call me,” she said. “Ben has my number.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not going to.”

She nodded and avoided my eyes. “Well at least you’re honest.”

Ben staggered out of his room at noon.

“Holy fuckballs, Callahan. My hangover is epic.” He scratched himself and flopped down on the couch next to me. “There’s some chick in my bed, but she’s not the one I brought home last night. The girl I brought home was much hotter than that.”

“I think she’s one and the same, Ben.”

“Yeah, probably. How’d it go with what’s her name? You score?”

“Yeah.”

“Callahan’s back in the game,” he said, raising his hand to high-five me.

“I don’t want to be in the game.”

Ben lowered his hand, a puzzled expression on his face. “What, she wasn’t any good? I thought she had a hot body.”

“Yeah, and any guy last night could have had her if he wanted.”

“Well I don’t know what to tell you, man. I know you’re bummed that things with Anna didn’t work out, but I don’t know what you’re looking for.”

I do.

***

I started working on my GED in July. After spending all day framing houses, I went home, took a fast shower, and joined all the other dropouts at a community center downtown for two hours every night. By the end of August, I had earned my GED and enrolled at a community college for the fall semester, quitting my construction job when classes started. I didn’t have any idea what I wanted to study, and I couldn’t see wasting the next two years inside a classroom, but I didn’t know what else to do.

Ben moved back to Iowa City and I moved home, which made my parents happy, especially my mom. I was so used to working all day and then going to the GED class at night that I felt restless in the afternoon. Most of my friends went to college out of state or far enough from the city to make hanging out difficult during the week.

I came home one day in October. The falling temperature and changing leaves reminded me of Anna, and how much she liked fall. I wondered if she found a teaching job. I wondered if she found someone else.

“Hey, Mom,” I said, throwing my backpack on the counter.

“How was school?” she asked.

“Okay.” I hated being the oldest freshman in every class, and most of the time I was bored out of my mind. “There’s something I want to do,” I said, grabbing a Coke out of the fridge. “Will you help me?”

She smiled and said, “Sure, T.J.”

I had been too sick to take driver’s ed when I was sixteen so for the next month, as soon as I got home from class, my mom taught me how to drive. She had a Volvo SUV and we went out to the suburbs and found empty parking lots and quiet streets. We drove for hours together. She seemed really happy spending time with me, and I felt like an asshole for not being around more.

One day, when I was behind the wheel, I said, “Did you know Anna would break up with me?”

My mom hesitated for a second. “Yes.”

“How?” And why didn’t I?

She turned the radio down. “Because I had you when I was twenty-five years old, T.J., and I wanted you so badly. Then it took five more years before I got pregnant with Grace. I felt anxious, then worried, and then almost frantic when it didn’t happen right away. Then two years after Grace, Alexis came along, and I finally felt like my family was complete. Anna’s probably ready for a family of her own, T.J.”

“I would have given it to her.”

“She might have felt it would be unwise to accept.”

I kept my eyes on the car in front of me. “I told her I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She told me I had things to finish. Things I still needed to experience.”

“She was right. It says a lot about her that she didn’t want to take that away from you.”

“It’s my decision, Mom.”

“But you’re not the only one affected by it.”

I came to a sudden realization, and I pulled over, clenching my teeth so hard they hurt.

“Is that why you were so cool about her?” My face burned. “Let’s all be nice to T.J.’s girlfriend while we wait for her to dump him?” I pounded the steering wheel with my fists.

My mom flinched and then rested her hand on my arm. “No. I like Anna. I like her even more now that I’ve gotten to know her. She’s a nice girl, T.J. But I tried to tell you she was at a different stage in her life and you didn’t want to listen.”

I stared out the window until I calmed down, then pulled away from the curb. “I still love her.”

“I know you do.”

***

I got my driver’s license and bought a black Chevy Tahoe SUV.

After class ended for the day, I went driving, first in the suburbs and then out in the country, listening to the classic rock station.