Once Kiva moved past his initial shock, he began asking me every question under the sun.
Questions like: “How do the males court their chosen female once they’ve felt the mating call?” “How many partners does the typical human female take over the course of her lifetime?” “What male attributes does the female seek in an ideal partner?”
I’ve noticed that when I begin to try and answer these impossible, overly broad questions, Kila practically flings himself away from the area and disappears from earshot. I could have sworn he was eyeballing me on Monday because he liked the way I look. Maybe he’s heard just how experienced I am by the way I’ve answered the questions and decided I’m far too Deviant for his taste.
I’m not certain I need to worry about it, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from working as a Handler here, it’s that even the slightest of differences between human and alien cultures can cause a major misunderstanding. Unraveling it all and helping both sides to understand each other is the main point of my job here. Once I know what’s caused this, we’ll know how to avoid the same thing happening with any human subjects that come to provide data.
My first instinct is to speak with Pakka. He’s the leader and he is extremely focused on work, so I feel he is the least likely to take offense to my questioning. I sidle up to him after the lunch break has ended.
“Pakka,” I address him with a smile. “Can I speak with you for a second?”
“I can only assume this will take longer than an Earth second. But you may proceed, yes.” He does not even look up from his work. His face is an inch from the massive panel that will soon control the van-sized box they’ve constructed at the back of their lab. Apparently, they’re planning to put people in it and measure biological responses. The panel hangs to the side, while Pakka carefully connects hair-thin wires from the mechanical hub to corresponding buttons.
“It’s just that I’ve noticed Kila is rather cold towards me, and I’m hoping I haven’t done something wrong to upset him. It’s important that everyone on this team is comfortable with one another.”
“Kila? No, I have not noticed anything wrong. You are imagining it, Ella-vi. After our discussion on Monday, I think we have all come to realize that we will need your knowledge to complete this project. I value your presence here,” he says.
“Ah, well, that is nice to hear, but I don’t think I’m imagining it. Kila can hardly stand to look at me. Is it something I’ve said?”
He shakes his head vigorously, never ripping his eyes from the panel. “No, no, Ella. Everything is fine.”
It’s then that I realize— he knows exactly what I’m talking about and he’s gas-lighting me to hide it. Typical men. These Kar’Kali can pretend all they want that they have no personal connections, but I know bro-code in action when I see it.
“Okay,” I say innocently. “My mistake.”
Now I know I will have to get the information straight from the source. I decide it will be best to corner him, alone, and speak to him as softly and calmly as possible. Sometimes I feel less like a Handler to alien scientists and more like a wrangler of wild animals in this job. It’s best not to spook them. They’ll bite if they feel threatened. And oftentimes, they’re more afraid of you than you are of them.
***
Kila
Everything is much worse than I originally feared. This week has been treacherous, and I was once left for dead in the desert of a mining planet far beyond enemy lines. My body and mind have truly betrayed me.
On Tuesday, Ella arrived wearing a fitted black dress that displayed her curves for all to see. It covered her skin, yes, but her shape was quite noticeable. It is not enough, of course, that she is physically appealing. It is becoming clear to me that she is perfect in all ways. Now that I notice this, I feel fury at remembering how I insinuated that she is as feeble-minded as other humans.
She is a kind female that thinks of other people always, even before herself. That day, she brought with her a box of donuts, which she described as a pleasing morning food that humans purchase for celebratory moments. She wished to celebrate our new lab and the beginning of our research, even though she and the human race will receive no benefits from our findings. Kiva exulted in the flavor of these sweet, colorful breads and showered her with gratitude. The attentions he gives her anger me, and at once I realized I was experiencing jealousy.
Jealousy, a most dangerous emotion, one that Kar’Kali have believed was exterminated from our culture. Here I am, losing my mind to it. Soon I will become no better than a Deviant. I will become like the villains of the stories we heard as children, striking down one of my own people for coveting my desired mate.
As soon as Ella realized that we labored to finish assembling all our equipment as quickly as possible, she began offering to bring sustenance and water to the lab so that we could focus solely on our tasks. She arrived at midday with a tray of sandwiches that she carried from the cafeteria, a pitcher of water, and cups for all of us.
On Wednesday, I was marginally relieved to see her in a large sweater and a pair of trousers. But that day it seemed she had caught on to my avoidance, and she attempted to speak with me multiple times to “get to know me” like she has with the others. We have learned that this is a human need— the need to immediately connect with others and learn their preferences and personal experiences. I was forced to tell her multiple times that I was busy, although I felt the ludicrous desire to tell her, in detail, about every moment from my first lesson to my last battle. It wounded me to see her hurt expression when she realized I was cutting her off.
It is now Thursday. Ella is wearing a top that seems to float around her like gauzy leaves on a kavana’a tree. I have never noticed what females put on their bodies before. …Before. Yes, my whole existence is now divided by Before and After. Before Ella, I was one person. Now, I am entirely another. I have been replaced by a male that cannot stop from noticing the way her legs curve, highlighted by the hugging of her leather boots that reach to her knee. I take a long look, because I know that I must spend the rest of the day averting my eyes.
We are close to completing the monitor pod, I remind myself. I must focus so that tomorrow we will be able to finally discover the reason for my suffering. I cannot help but wonder if the universe is issuing punishment for the cowardice of my past.
“Kila,” she says, turning to me before I can find something to occupy my hands. “Would you like to try this coffee? It’s something most humans drink every day. It has caffeine, which helps people wake up and get energy. Do you have anything like caffeine on Kar’Kal?”
I stare at the white cup in her hand to avoid her eyes. It is filled with brown liquid. The color is very like her hair, rich and dark.
“No,” I reply. “It sounds mind-altering, so I should avoid this.”
Then, I walk to our cabinets and start taking out my materials for today, before she has a chance to distract me again. Mind-altering indeed. What an excuse that is, when my mind has already altered itself without my permission. I don’t dare to look at her, for fear she is making a sad face that will fill me with guilt. I lay out the half-finished sample analyzer that I began constructing yesterday. Focus, focus, focus. I recall the teachings of my early training, as though I am only eight passings old. Emotions do not solve problems. They are a distraction. Emotions will not defeat the Azza.
Soon, the day is passing, and I have now completed two analyzers. Along with the three Mori has done, we have a complete set for each team member. The clock tells me it is time for the facility to close soon. Ella is bent over Kiva’s desk, where he is explaining to her how the analyzer works. She smiles at him when he offers to demonstrate by sampling her blood. She holds out her wrist and he grasps her arm. That now-familiar jealousy stirs. Is it possible Kiva is affected by her too? Is he hiding it from Pakka? Does he see the same things that I see when I look at her? And if this is so, how is it fair that he should enjoy her attentions while I deny myself?
