“Mmph— Kila,” she squeaks, breaking away from my lips. “We need to stop.”
I sigh. She is right, but I am still disappointed. I spooked her by getting too excited. If only I had held back a little longer, I would have squeezed in some more kissing time…
She unwinds herself from my body, and I help her to get her feet back on the ground. She rests against me for a support with her palm pressed on her forehead.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I just… needed you.”
“I know. I know, and I’m not complaining,” Ella says with reddening cheeks. “It’s just... We haven’t even talked. And we have to come back with lunch like we said we would.”
I frown. “They deserve to starve considering the disrespect they showed you today.”
“I didn’t like the stunt they pulled either, but we have to deal with it. Let’s walk and talk. We’ll take these stairs. It’s more private, and we’re here after all.” After adjusting her under clothes which I so ruthlessly ruffled, she leads the way down the concrete stairwell. I start by telling her what we learned from the Alliance investigation team, how angry I was, and how my team reacted to it. By the time I am done, we stand at the cafeteria buffet, gathering food.
“I don’t understand,” she says, ladling soup into the small capsules we will travel back with. “Are you really so different to them? I didn’t know you before, so I wouldn’t know… Has your personality just changed that drastically?”
“Kar’Kali do not revel in their personality traits like humans do. Perhaps I would describe Kiva as positive, Vala as stoic, and Pakka as serious—”
“And Mori is a pain in the ass?” she suggests, securing the top on her soup container.
I chuckle. “Sure, if this phrase means annoying and rude. But these things are not meant to matter in our culture. They are meant to be put aside for duty. I have always been a little more pessimistic than others. I have always struggled with my anger, and this is not the first time I have been reprimanded for being difficult, or stubborn. What I feel now… It’s hard to describe. I do not feel differently, but I feel uninhibited. I will admit they are right that I am out of control by their own standards. But I no longer can bring myself to care. The more I acknowledge its rightness, the more I feel free from guilt.”
She smiles at me, and I believe she is proud. She didn’t like how guilty I felt on Saturday, when I tried to stop myself from taking pleasure from her body. I don’t know if I am right to feel this way, but at least it pleases my Ella. To humans, I suppose that sharing these thoughts is worth celebrating. Then, her face falls and she sets down the soup ladle.
“What will happen if they put in the suppressor again, Kila? Do you know?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t. But I know for certain that my body’s desire for you will be gone. The part of myself that I have shown you, the person I am deep in my mind… that will never go away. But maybe you won’t see him anymore.”
She slams her last container of soup onto the tray we’ve been preparing. “How can they do that? After you guys lost everything, can’t they give you this one thing?”
“They don’t owe me anything. This upsets you, the idea of my changing?” I ask, eyeing her thoughtfully as I add a pile of bread onto our tray.
“Yes, of course!” she replies.
“Because you’d like to be with me,” I suggest.
Her mouth quivers, shaping as though to speak but hesitating. “I… I… want to keep spending time with Kila, the Kila that I know. I care about you. I like… the idea of being with you, yes,” she spills the words with fluttering hands.
“I’m not gone yet,” I assure her, picking up the tray now that we’ve gotten everything we need. There is a strange stab in my chest at her unsureness, and I’m not sure what it means. What can I expect from her? To commit herself to me after one shared night together? A beautiful human woman like Ella is sure to have had many past sexual partners, ones that have had the opportunity to practice. Human men surely understand her needs better than I do.
It took our night together and the tragedy of a lifetime for me to realize that I can never let her go now. I know she wants me, but for how long? What does one mating mean to a human? Has she accepted the breeding bond? I should have conducted more research before we arrived on this mind-boggling planet.
She nods quietly, fiddling with the sleeves of her top. We make our way back through the halls and into the elevator. I realize I would give anything to know what she is thinking now.
“I’m so sorry,” she says finally, just as the elevator doors open up again. “I know I’ve already said it. But if I were in your shoes, I’d be a mess. I can’t stand to think about losing everything, all in one day, one moment. Kila, I hope you know that you’re allowed to feel however want to feel right now.”
“You are kind, Ella,” I say. “But that is not our way. Losing everything… that has not happened just yet. And I seek to keep what little I have left.”
OceanofPDF.com
Chapter 18
ELLA
One month.
One month of torture, sexual tension, stolen minutes, and stairwell kisses.
It has been one month since I met Kila, one month since he fucked me within an inch of my life. And every day since then my feelings for him have grown deeper.
Every day we share glances across the room while we work on Project Suppressor Chip, the one that is meant to take him away from me. Most of the work I do for them in the absence of human interaction is either computer-based or done off-site.
Since the media has gotten more information about the Kar’Kali genocide and the surviving scientists that work at the facility, I’ve been receiving all kinds of calls and emails asking for interviews. Pakka shoots them all down, not wanting to “waste” time outside of the lab answering silly questions. Supportive pro-alien groups even held a vigil outside the gates and left a memorial to the Kar’Kali victims in the local park. But soon after all the news coverage had dropped off, the protesters were back and in bigger numbers than ever. The war in Sector 5 has become an even stickier subject, with many of the protesters subscribing to the conspiracy theory that the genocide never even occurred. In the hopes that I can squash the misinformation, I go out and attend the interviews on their behalf or provide answers by email that get printed in on-line articles.
It’s brought me some unwanted negative attention from online trolls, but I know it’s something that needs to be done. Even if the Kar’Kali don’t understand the concept of PR, people in the world need to know what happened to their species.
When lunch time comes around, Kila and I immediately head for the door together. We share thirty precious minutes of alone time. Sometimes, he grabs me at the earliest opportunity to kiss me until my lips are numb. Other days, we just talk and talk about anything and everything.
I’ve been giving him movies to watch, almost every day since the first one. He watches them at night and returns them in the morning. They certainly fascinate him, whether he enjoys them or not. It is pretty funny to find out which genres an alien likes. Surprisingly, Sci-Fi does not work for him at all. He typically criticizes the made-up science featured in space travel films ( “A laser saber hardly seems practical” ) and wonders at the aesthetic choices ( “If I had that many buttons on a ship, I’d never get anything done” ). He seems to prefer fantasy movies, because it is entirely unique to anything he’s seen before, or historical films because he’s interested to know about Earth’s past and the places to be seen outside of the U.S.
