But it would also make things worse for me. Asking to see Ash before had…well, I knew how that had ended. A tremor went through me as Kolis adjusted the pitcher so the handle faced toward the chamber.

Kolis then turned to me. Several moments passed, then he looked upon me. My skin began to crawl as if a thousand spiders swarmed me.

“I am…sorry, so’lis,” he said, the skin twitching at the corner of his mouth. “For whatever distress I have caused you.”

I said nothing, only able to muster a nod of acknowledgment.

Kolis lifted his hand and cupped my cheek. I didn’t flinch. I didn’t move away as he drew his thumb over the fading bruise on my jaw. I didn’t don the veil of nothingness. This was different as he touched me. It was like I was here, but not. “What did I tell you about using the embers?”

I jolted, having forgotten all about that. I opened my mouth, but Kolis pressed his finger to the center of my lips, silencing me. “That was a rhetorical question, my dear.” He smiled, and it reminded me of suffocating, sweltering heat. “I felt the essence. I know it came from you. I warned you not to use it lest you wish to be punished.”

Every single part of me flashed hot with rage. I wanted to break the finger against my lips. Better yet, I wanted to bite it the fuck off. “I’m sorry. Callum—”

“I’m sure he provoked you. He can be quite vexing when he wants to be. But that is no excuse.” His fingers curled at my chin, tipping my head back as his lowered.

Heart stuttering, I locked up as his mouth neared mine. Panic snaked through me, tightening my chest and taking my breath. This was not giving me time. I desperately tried to empty my thoughts and erase who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I wanted.

His lips halted less than an inch from mine. “The essence does not belong to you. It is not yours to use.”

The embers throbbed in denial.

“And to be clear, this has nothing to do with what we discussed moments earlier,” Kolis said. “This will be your last warning, so’lis. Do not use the essence again.”

Kolis left then, and there was nothing but silence. Closing my eyes, I exhaled roughly as I made myself the same promise I had when it came to Callum. One way or another, I would see Kolis dead.

And I knew then that the moment Ash was free, if I didn’t escape, I would not live long—no matter how important the embers were. Because I would become Kolis’s worst fucking nightmare.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Sometime later, after several veiled Chosen cleaned the bathing area, I checked the wadded cloth to make sure the key was still in place.

It was.

Pressing my lips together, I returned it to its hiding spot before allowing myself to start thinking reckless things.

Then I paced until dinner was brought in, too restless to sit still. It was a larger meal, one containing two types of meat, vegetables, and glazed strawberries for dessert. I ate what I could and behaved myself while Callum oversaw the veiled Chosen as they removed the plates.

Then I found myself walking the length of the cage once more, trying to burn off the restless energy that had been building all day and attempting to escape all the things I didn’t want to think about.

But no amount of pacing could prevent my mind from going there. It could not stop what I started to realize was coming.

My chest tightened. I was moving, walking back and forth, but my body felt still—too still. I was slow to realize that the restlessness wasn’t only from being caged. It was also a warning sign of the discomfiting moods that seemed to come and go on a whim. One was on its way now.

“Shit,” I muttered, picking up my pace as I knew the stillness always seemed to make them worse. This was the last thing I needed now or, well…anytime. But especially not now.

Quickly braiding my hair, I started to go through my training exercises, but my mind was too fragmented. I shadowboxed for a few moments and then discovered that I’d stopped and was just standing still again. Too still. Thinking about Ash. Consumed by my worry for him.

What kind of state had he been in—was still in? I had a hard time keeping track of the days here, so I had no idea how long he’d been forced back into stasis. My stomach churned, and my fists clenched. Part of me wished I hadn’t known about how the bones of the Ancients could be used to keep a Primal sedated. The knowledge made me sick.

But Ash wasn’t the only person I was worried about. I’d been forcing myself not to dwell on so many others because it only made me feel helpless. Had Rhain fully healed? And how was Aios truly doing? Mid-swing, I stopped and touched the necklace. Obviously, she was alive. I’d been able to restore her life, but I had no idea how she was processing that. She was only the third person I’d done that to, and her injuries…gods, they had been bad. I didn’t know how long she had been gone before I’d brought her back. Could’ve been minutes. Maybe longer. How did she feel about that?

Then there was Orphine.

I gave up on training and returned to pacing. Thinking about the draken made my chest hurt because all I could see was the dakkais swarming her, their claws and teeth more than capable of tearing through the draken’s hard flesh.

I was worried about Bele. I could only assume that her Ascension made her more powerful, but none of us had any way of knowing if that meant she could go head-to-head with a Primal. Was she still in the Shadowlands, or had she gone to Sirta? If she hadn’t left, she couldn’t hide in the Shadowlands forever. I didn’t think she’d even try.

Then there was everyone else: Saion, Rhahar, Nektas, and more. So many more. Had they been wounded before the battle stopped? How were they dealing with the loss of Ector? Was little Reaver okay? Jadis? Was she even aware of what was happening around her, or was she too young? I hoped she was naïve enough to be blind to all of this and was happily setting fire to chairs. But Reaver? He probably knew what was going on, despite what everyone was likely keeping from him. He was still just a child. A youngling. But his eyes said he’d already experienced several lifetimes of loss and pain.

There was also Ezra.

A ragged breath left me, and I glanced at the windows along the ceiling. It had sounded like she’d been able to negotiate a deal with the kingdom of Terra, but had the Rot spread even farther? How was she handling the overwhelming stress of ruling Lasania—something she had never planned for and maybe didn’t even want?

I hadn’t thought of that when I’d told her to take the Crown.

Guilt settled on my shoulders, weighing me down and joining the worry as I fiddled with the necklace. The dread rose, too. The helplessness. My knuckles started to ache as my mind decided to revisit all the little things I’d done, the choices I’d made that’d seemed so insignificant as they happened but had all led up to this very moment once combined.

I should’ve confided in Ash the moment he brought me into the Shadowlands—told him what I had been trained for. If I had, I would’ve known then that he’d never been who I was supposed to kill. I could’ve changed so much.

I should’ve tried harder to get to Kolis. Even if I ended up not being able to kill him, I would’ve saved lives. Gods knew how many, but I could’ve saved Ector. He would still be alive. Aios wouldn’t have experienced death. Rhain would never have been captured and beaten to within an inch of his life.

I should’ve acknowledged my feelings for Ash sooner instead of being too afraid. I would’ve been happy more than sad—sad and angry. I could’ve lived more in the time I had with Ash. Loved more.

I should’ve been smarter when Ash came for me. If I’d been thinking, I would’ve known that attempting to distract Kolis would also be lethal to Ash. I could’ve aided him instead of being a hindrance.