I should’ve stayed focused when I freed myself instead of being distracted by the violence in the dark chambers. I would’ve made it farther. I could’ve escaped.

Should’ve. Could’ve. Would’ve.

There were so many. Too many to list as I stopped at the foot of the bed and looked at it. I swore I could still see the imprint of where Kolis had sat. That was ridiculous, days had passed.

But I could see it in my mind.

Could hear his voice.

Feel his arms.

I should’ve taken control of the situation. I’d been trained to seduce and use every weapon—including my body—to perform my duty and achieve my goal. If I had, I would’ve prevented myself from feeling like I’d done something wrong. As if I’d brought it on myself. Like I would never forget that he’d made it feel good. That if he hadn’t found release when he did, I would’ve found it no matter how badly I hadn’t wanted to. I could’ve convinced myself that it was just a part of doing what needed to be done. I felt the awareness in my chest, Sotoria’s presence, as I stood there, staring at the damn bed.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

I should’ve fought back harder. I was a fighter. A warrior. I would’ve been able to stop him if I had. I could’ve prevented Sotoria from having to experience anything like that again. I could’ve—

Spinning around, I raced behind the privacy screen and dropped to my knees at the toilet with a low whimper. I heaved, expelling what I’d consumed that day and then some, tears stinging my eyes, my throat burning. Clasping the sides of the seat, dry heaves racked my body, causing the sides of my stomach to spasm painfully. It felt like it would never stop.

I didn’t know how long I knelt there, panting as I willed my nausea to settle. Minutes? Hours? At some point, air drifted over my arms. My cheek. I cracked open a watery eye. Nothing was there. I listened for the sound of someone entering the chamber. There was nothing, but that coolness remained, reminding me of the soft press of a cool hand. Eventually, the tension leaked from my body, and the chilled air vanished, leaving me so damn tired. Closing my eyes, I counted the beats of my heart until I no longer felt like an overcooked noodle.

Pushing wearily to my feet, I went to the sink and used water from a pitcher to clean my teeth and wash my face.

Once done, I changed into a robe and felt sort of normal. My stomach still felt a little weird as I passed the bed, but I believed I was done with the vomiting. Hopefully.

I went to the divan, curling onto my side as I tucked my feet under the soft blanket at the foot of the low sofa.

I told myself that Ash was okay. So were Aios, Bele, and everyone else. Rhain would recover. Jadis was happily causing mayhem, and Reaver was hiding somewhere she couldn’t reach. Orphine hadn’t perished. Ezra was doing her best. She was smart. Strong. Resilient. She had Marisol. Even my mother wasn’t alone. I hadn’t been able to save Ector, but I would save others. I would save Ash. One way or another, I would make sure no one else occupied this cage. I would not be powerless again. Most importantly, I would not blame myself for what Kolis did.

I would not let that stain set in.

Opening my eyes, I saw the still, dark waters of my lake and knew I was dreaming.

But it was different.

I wasn’t swimming. I was sitting cross-legged on the bank, naked as the day I was born, able to feel and sense everything as if I were truly there. Nothing was dulled as dreams often were. The grass was cool against my skin. The scent of rich, damp soil filled every breath I took. Above me, the elms swayed in the breeze.

But like the times before, it was my lake, yet not.

Through the thick branches, I saw no moon, but the stars were bright and large, reflecting off the surface of the water like a thousand twinkling lights. The wind that stirred the branches tossed the tangled curls of my hair against the sides of my face, and my arms and waist didn’t carry the choking humidity that plagued Lasania well into what should be the cooler months. And my lake? There were no ripples, even with the water tumbling off the Elysium Peaks.

As I sat there, I realized there was a contrast between when I had been swimming and when I was not. When I was in the lake, a little bit of the fuzziness of dreams remained, a sensation of floating and just existing. But there was none of that now. There was a surreal realness when I was not in the water.

But I was alone.

Closing my eyes, I turned my face up to the cool air, fighting back the swell of rising disappointment. I was grateful to be dreaming of my lake again, but I needed…gods, I needed to see Ash, even if only in my dreams. I needed to see him. Hear his voice. Feel his presence. His touch. Ash’s image would erase the others. His voice would replace the sound of Kolis’s. His mere presence would overshadow everything else. Ash’s touch would exorcise the reminder of his like one would cut away the rotten flesh of a festering wound.

I needed to see him.

Because even if it was only a dream, I could tell myself he was okay. I could convince myself that I would be okay.

My chest swelled with my breath. “Please,” I whispered—pleaded, really—as a tide of agony rose. “I need you. Please.”

Nothing but silence greeted me. The wind nor the water made any sound. There were no soft bird calls. Nothing.

My cheeks felt damp.

Pulling my legs to my chest, I rested my forehead on my knees and began idly rocking. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay…

The air stirred around me, cooler than before. Still, there was no sound. No—

I stopped swaying as I felt the air thicken. Awareness bore down on me. My skin pimpled. Tiny hairs rose. My fingers curled inward, digging into my palms as I slowly lifted my head and looked to my left.

Eyes like pools of molten silver framed by a heavy fringe of lashes and set in features savage in their beauty, locked onto mine.

“Ash,” I whispered, afraid to believe my mind had successfully conjured him.

Those eyes swept over my face, and his bare shoulders loosened with a heavy exhale. “Liessa.”

A tremor went through me, and then I sprang into motion, all but throwing myself at him because this was me. I was here with Ash, and it didn’t matter that it was a figment of my mind and nothing more than a dream.

Catching me, Ash let out a rough laugh as he pulled me onto his lap and against his chest. I buried my face in his neck, inhaling deeply. I shuddered at the scent of citrus and fresh air, soaking in the feel of his arms around me. In his embrace, there was no other sensation, no one else.

“I was… I was nowhere, liessa. Nowhere.” Ash’s fingers tangled in my hair as he held me so tightly I felt his heart beating against my breast. “Then I heard your voice. You were calling to me. I thought I’d woken up. I thought I was going to—” He stopped himself, his voice thickening when he spoke again. “I still found you. That’s all that matters.”

I squeezed my eyes closed. He was right that it was all that mattered. “I’m glad…” My voice cracked as tears stung my eyes. “I’m glad you did.”

Ash’s chest rose sharply. Sliding his hand to the side of my face, he drew back. I fought against him lifting my head.

“Sera? Let me see you.” His thumb smoothed over my jaw. “Please.”

Please.

I could never deny him.

My eyes remained closed as I stopped resisting, letting him lift my head.

“Oh, Sera.” His fingers brushed under my cheek. “Don’t cry.”

“I’m not.”

His chuckle was strained as if a heavy weight bore down on him. “Liessa.” He pressed his lips to my forehead. “I see your tears. Feel them.”