– Stay where you are, Svetlana! – Ludmila hurried up to stop her. How are you feeling?
Svetlana didn’t answer.
– Don’t worry; we brought all the snacks with us. We’ll stay here for a while, celebrate with you, and keep on going. Svetlana, please say something.
– I haven’t prepared anything, Lyudmila, – Svetlana answered quietly, not opening her eyes.
– Oh, we don’t need anything; we just came over to see you. I hope it is a good idea. To be honest, I didn’t want to bother you, but Vadim took an effort to talk me into that.
«What is going on with me? – Svetlana was puzzled. – It is not a right way to treat people who love and respect you. I have always been distant from my colleagues and people perceive me as an arrogant person. Some are offended by me, some don’t even talk to me and some treat me with coldness. Oh God! I have never noticed that before. I could not understand why all relatives and colleagues turn away from me; I am a good person and a good teacher. I feel so guilty right now! God, forgive me!
– I hope you are not offended by me; – Svetlana gave Ludmila a hug. – I haven’t given you a proper welcoming…
– Of course not! I totally understand that you are having hard time and it is not easy for you…
A tear ran over Ludmila’s cheek.
– Ludmila, I love you very much too! Probably, like one can love a sister. I am very sorry for my actions…
Svetlana shed a tear too, – more from happiness then from the disparity.
– Everyone misses you at school! You are being waited for, despite the holidays. Everyone is worried and concerned for you, – told Ludmila, mopping the tears off. She calmed down, inhaled air and said:
– As if I knew I would be crying. I didn’t apply any make up on, it would all be smudged off now if I did.
Svetlana didn’t answer – she was mopping the tears off.
– All right, I’ll go to set the table it is almost 11 pm…
Ludmila took another look in the mirror, fixed her curly fair hair, and charmingly smiled. She had impressive gray-blue eyes, beautifully shaped lips and accurate nose. «I don’t even need make-up»! – said Ludmila to herself. Standing up from the couch and leaving Svetlana by herself, she proceeded to the kitchen. She understood very well how low Svetlana felt at the moment…
– Would you like to sit here or in the living room?
– Don’t worry Vadim; of course we’ll sit in the living room as usual. Svetlana is all right. If you don’t understand, she is a different person now.
– All right Arthur, let’s move the table. Ladies need to start setting it up, time is running fast.
– We need to light up the New Year tree and turn on the video recorder. Are you planning to record the concert?
Svetlana didn’t want to stand up from the couch, but didn’t want to stay on it either. Stomach stopped hurting, so she enjoyed a feeling of wellness and tired to feel every cell in her body. Relaxed, she regulated her breath and listened her heartbeat. She was satisfied that she didn’t even have a fever. Energy was missing, but doing things slow helped. Svetlana got distracted from her thoughts by the kiss on the lips. She enjoyed it and, wanting more, moved closer to her husband.
– Are you going to change clothing, Svetlana?
She kissed him again and said:
– We are not going anywhere, so what for?
– Oh, I just asked for what you want.
– I want you to be near me all the time.
– It will always be like that, dear. You know we’ll always be together.
– Yes! Hello!
At first Svetlana didn’t hear anything when she picked up the phone.
– Mom, hello, this is me! Happy New Year!
– Hello Dear! Thank you! I wish you a Happy New Year too! Give grandma a kiss from us, ok!
– Of course I will! I am a little upset with her though.
– Nikita, what happen?
– I wanted to go home to celebrate the holiday, but she didn’t let me…
– Don’t worry son, we’ll have time to celebrate. Grandma is lonely there by herself? Don’t be upset with her, all right?
– Ok, I won’t!
– Good boy! Daddy and myself have prepared a present for you. You’ll see it when you come over!
– Yes, mom! I miss you.
– Ok, son, it is almost midnight. Don’t upset grandma.
Nikita changed the subject:
– Mom, how are you feeling?
– I am good dear. I am sending you many kisses and hugs. Once more, happy New Year son! I love you!
– I love you too mom! Get well!
Nikita hang up the phone, but Svetlana was still listening the beeps trying to visualize him at this important moment.
– Let’s sit down at the table! It is almost midnight!
Svetlana sighted when the cork loudly flied out of the champagne bottle, hit the ceiling and landed on the phone. Then, hearing the clock bit, she hangs up the phone, lifted the glass with champagne and drained it to the dregs, congratulating everyone with the holiday. The concert on TV began, so everyone watched and listened to it attentively. No one said a single word; people were thinking of their problems and digressed from thoughts in order to fill up the plates. Svetlana was watching Arthur, Ludmila and Vadim. They were concerned and tried to leave their worries behind at least for the evening, relax and have a good time. Problems can be solved later. Then it is time to expect new nuisances that are often unnecessary and pitiful, moreover, created by people themselves.
Svetlana remembered school problems which she had created for herself. She ruined relationships with everyone: colleagues, directorships, students… What was the reason for that? What influenced her actions? The answer to the question scared her. She was frightened to confess that personal pride and fake magnitude had found shelter in her soul and were giving her guidance. It seemed to be right and decent behavior. However, instead of understanding and respect which she hoped to receive, she was given quite the opposite! She was avoided, not paid attention to. Students were scared to go to her class, expecting rudeness and harshness They were petrified in front of her, intimidated to say a word. She was proud of that! Even thought she knew that the girls from her class address other teachers in order to get help in difficult life scenarios, or just to hear the advice, to talk. Svetlana created barriers. She suffered inside, but inhibited her feelings. Right after classes she was going home and did not let anyone into her life.
At that moment she was looking at Ludmila, who was sitting near her at the festive table, giving her gratitude inside. Ludmila opened her eyes and helped her see her fallacy, absolutely needless one, ultimately disturbing. Svetlana tried to change more then once; she even asked for advice how to correct herself. It seemed impossible, unrealistic and intimidating to overcome yourself. There is an abyss in front on her, and it is extremely frightening to step into the unknown. The fear is actually reaching the level of panic terror. Svetlana was trying to get rid of those thoughts. She suffered and didn’t know how to act. Once she had a panic attack when the son was watching a horror movie. She ran to the video recorder, almost broke it, and damaged a couple of tapes. Her husband and son had to make arrangements with neighbors to watch a movie at their place.
Svetlana made a wish, believing sincerely in the magic of the New Year’s eve: she wanted to change and start living a fulfilling life. She wanted to give people warmth and happiness, not fear or jealously. If she is able to control herself, then… Svetlana lost her breath because she imagined Maxim, standing at her closed door and knocking on it. Every knock reflected with the heart burn. She suddenly realized that life events depend on her too, not only on Max, as she always thought. All of his efforts would lead to no result if she just waited. «I am surprised, – Svetlana thought, – it does not scare me at all! May be I am ready? – then she said to herself absolutely calmly: – Yes, Maxim, now I am totally ready»! She poured more champagne in the glass, drank it, poured some more; then she put the glass in front of her on the table and continued brainwork: «He was probably trying to bring some positivism into my life for a long time, but I could not even notice it! It is interesting, how did I manage to fall in love with him? No matter how long I think about it, I can’t find the answer».
