So would I. But there were way more important things I wanted to know. “Does this mean I’m going to go through the Ascension?”

“It shouldn’t,” Nyktos advised. “It is only an ember of life—an ember of eather. More powerful than what would be found in a godling, but you’re not a descendant of the gods. It is not a part of you. You’ll probably have a couple more weeks or months at most of these symptoms, and then they will go away. You’ll be fine.”

I was relieved, especially after what I had learned from Aios about the Culling. Toying with the edges of my hair, I looked over at Nyktos. As the aching continued to fade with each passing moment, it was replaced by many questions and words I wanted to speak.

Nektas cleared his throat. “If you’ll excuse me.”

The draken didn’t wait for a response, leaving the chamber—leaving Nyktos and me alone. The Primal watched me like he always did, but there was a guarded quality that had never been there before.

“If you start to feel the headache again or any other symptom that doesn’t feel normal, the tea will stop you from experiencing more severe symptoms,” he said. “So don’t wait.”

“I won’t.” I twisted a curl around my finger.

He sat there for a moment and then started to rise. “You should get some rest. I know the tea can make you tired.”

“I know, but…”

Nyktos arched a brow, waiting.

I drew in a deep breath. “I want to talk to you about—”

“About last night?”

“Well, no, but I suppose that’s part of it.”

“What happened last night won’t ever happen again,” Nyktos stated, and my fingers stilled in my hair. The finality of his words fell like a sword. “You will be safe here. You will be my Consort as planned.”

My hands slipped from my hair. “You still want me as your Consort?”

A tight smile twisted his lips. “This has never been about what either of us wants. It has only ever been about what must be done. And if we do not proceed, that alone will arouse too much suspicion.”

My heart started thumping. “I will be your Consort in title only?”

His head tilted. “Do you expect anything else? Do you think my interest in you overrides my common sense? Especially after learning of your treachery?”

The breath I took scorched my insides. “I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t expect your forgiveness or understanding. I just want a chance to—”

“To do what? Explain yourself? It is unnecessary. I know all that I need to. You were willing to do anything to save your people. I can respect that.” His features were as hard as the walls closing in around me. “I can also…respect how far you were willing to go to fulfill this duty of yours. But for what purpose? Love has never been on the table.”

I knew that. Gods I knew that after everything he’d gone through. I just hadn’t been willing to fully admit it to myself. It wasn’t love I sought. It was never that. Still, it was hard to speak what I wanted to. The words were so simple, taken for granted by many. “Friendship,” I whispered as heat swamped my throat. “There’s friendship.”

 “Friendship? Even if I considered such a thing, I would never think of you. There is no way I could ever trust you. That I would not doubt or question every thought or action. Not when you were shaped and groomed to be whatever it is you believed I wanted. Not when you are just a vessel that would be empty if not for the ember of life you carry within you.”

I jerked back, my skin, body—everything—going numb.

Nyktos’ eyes flared bright, and then he turned from me. “As I said, you will be safe here. You will be my Consort in title only as we figure out exactly what my father planned for you. But this is all. There’s nothing else to discuss. Nothing else to be said.”

Chapter 41

I sat by the unlit fireplace the following morning, staring at the burnt kindling that remained. I idly rubbed my palms over my knees. The breeches had been laundered and returned earlier, along with breakfast. It had been Davina who arrived, and the draken hadn’t said much. I wasn’t sure if that was normal or if she had heard the truth despite Nyktos’ warnings to keep it quiet.

The one good thing that had come from the mostly untouched food was the butter knife that had been brought with it. The knife wouldn’t do any damage to a god, but I was sure I could make it hurt when it came to a mortal, so I swiped it, slipping it into my boot.

I hadn’t slept well the night before, even after the potion. The thought of eating anything didn’t rouse interest.

I remembered the last time I’d felt this hollow. It was when I’d taken that sleeping draft. It wasn’t just Nyktos. It was the truth about Kolis. It was the threat I posed to the Shadowlands. It was me. It was Tavius and Nor and Lord Claus and all the others. It was how much I missed Ezra and Sir Holland. It was how I wanted to tell my mother that I was never the cause of the Rot. And it was…it was how badly I wanted Nyktos to be Ash.

Weary, I toyed with the edges of my braid. It was also the knowledge that the past could never be undone. It couldn’t be forgiven. It couldn’t be forgotten.

A knock on the door dragged me from my thoughts. I rose. “Yes?”

“It’s Aios.”

Surprised, I stepped around the chaise. “You can come in.”

The door opened, and she wasn’t the only one who entered the chamber. Bele, who had been in the hall when Davina had arrived earlier, walked in, too. Apparently, she was on guard duty, and I wasn’t entirely sure if she was there to keep me safe or to keep others safe.

“I need you to come with me,” Aios announced.

I tensed, suspicion rising. “To where?”

“Should be nowhere.” Behind her, Bele stood with her arms crossed over her chest. My gaze snagged on her weapons—all far better than a paltry butter knife. “I told her Nyktos wanted you to remain in your chambers, but as always, Aios doesn’t listen.”

The redheaded goddess wasn’t listening now. “Gemma is awake.”

“Oh.” I glanced between the two. “That’s good news, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Aios answered while Bele shrugged.

“Did she say why she went into the woods?”

“She’d spotted a god who had been at the Court of Dalos and feared she’d be recognized. So she panicked, ran into the Dying Woods, quickly got lost in them, and then saw the Shades. She hid from them for a bit until they found her, but that’s not why I’m here,” Aios said. “She claims that she has no knowledge of what happened afterward—of what you did.”

“That’s also good…” I trailed off as Aios’s jaw hardened. “Or not?”

“I think she’s lying. I think she knows exactly what you did and said something to Hamid,” Aios explained. “I told her what Hamid had done, and she lost it, saying it was her fault. That’s why I’m here. I want you to tell her what you did.”

“In case anyone wants to know, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Bele announced.

“No one wants to know,” Aios replied. “I think if she is confronted with the fact that we know she died, she’ll tell us what she told Hamid.”

I wasn’t sure if that would work, but I was willing to try. It would be nice to have an answer to something. However… “You trust me to leave the bedchamber?”

Aios’s nose wrinkled. “What would you do that I should worry about? Are you planning something?”

“Else,” Bele added.

“I’m not,” I stated.

“And you have no weapon, correct?” Aios asked.

“No.” I really didn’t count my butter knife as a weapon.

“Then why wouldn’t I trust you?”

My brows lifted. “Besides the obvious?”

“My question exactly,” Bele added.

Aios sighed. “Look, it was clear—to me at least—that you didn’t want to do what you believed you had to. That doesn’t mean I agree with your actions or that I’m not disappointed. You seemed to make him…” Her chin lifted. “Anyway, it’s not like we don’t have explicit experience in carrying out terrible deeds because we believed we had no other choice.”