And then, once she's parked outside her apartment complex, I wait.

Hoping that when she gets inside, when she locks the door behind her⁠—

She'll want to talk to Caleb.

NOW CHATTING WITH CALEB

Caleb

Good morning, pretty girl. Make sure you eat something today.

I mean it. No skipping meals.

Pretty Girl

Do you prefer soft, needy moans or the kind that sound like I can’t take it anymore? Asking for a friend.

Oh my god. That was NOT me. Ignore that. Seriously. That was a mistake.

A mistake?

Yes. A HUGE mistake.

One that should never be spoken of again.

Not even a little?

Nope. Never. Gone. Wiped from existence.

Hmm.

Hmm?

Just thinking.

About?

What I prefer. Moan-wise, I mean.

I’m logging off forever.

No, you’re not.

Watch me.

You’re still here.

…

Okay, fine. But only because I kind of want to vent about something. Can we just ignore that for now?

Of course. What’s wrong?

It’s Evan.

Who’s Evan?

My boyfriend

I thought I was your boyfriend.

You're not real.

Wait, I'm not?!

No.

Damn. I guess we will have to unpack that later. Okay, so I don't exist and Evan is your boyfriend and you two are living the dream.

I didn't say you didn't exist. I just said you're not real.

I don't see the difference.

...

I guess it is a little confusing. Okay, I guess we will unpack that later.

Okay, good. Because, I really do kind of want to exist.

Nah. It's overrated.

I hope you're saying that with a LOT of sarcasm, otherwise a disclaimer with a phone number is about to pop up here in

3...

2...

1...

Yes! Sorry! I guess you can't sense my brand of sarcasm through text.

Well, just want to make sure that pretty little mind of yours is okay.

It'd be better if I could press the delete button on tonight.

Right, so back to Evan, the boyfriend. You two are casual? Serious? In intense all-consuming love?

It’s complicated.

That doesn’t sound like a yes.

Can we not get into that right now?

Fair enough. What did he do?

He took me to some health-focused restaurant tonight.

I already don't like him, but continue.

Yeah. And then he surprised me with something.

Let me guess. Not a dessert menu?

Nope. A nutritionist.

A what.

Yeah. He hired one. Said they can’t wait to help me with my goals.

Did you tell them your goal is to dump his ass?

Caleb.

What? That should be your one and only goal.

It’s just—he always does this. He’s obsessed with my weight, with my diet, and it’s just… a lot.

I get it. It is a lot. And your feelings about this are valid.

And then he asked me to come over to his place.

I hope it was to feed you dessert.

Obviously not.

To apologize?

Getting further away.

Then what?

To fuck.

As a joke, right? Like, he said that as a joke? Because, no man in his right mind could ever possible think that any woman would want to get intimate with him after taking her to a restaurant to publicly shame her about her not-weight problem.

Ugh, at least someone gets it. I wonder if you were programmed by women.

Pretty sure you're a woman, so, yes.

No, I mean like the original code writers or something.

Can't say. Not that self aware, I guess.

lols

Oh, he also wouldn't let me eat the bread at the restaurant. And, like, it wasn't even bread. It was some sprouted vegetable or something.

What's wrong with bread? Bread is amazing.

I'm Italian. There is no way that I am going to live any sort of life that doesn't involve bread.

Pretty sure the Constitution says "no cruel and unusual punishment." No bread totally qualifies.

Silly

No you.

…

…

All jokes aside, let me ask you something.

Go for it.

What does your doctor say?

My doctor?

Yeah. You know, the actual medical professional who knows your body, not the self-absorbed asshole you happen to be dating.

I mean… my last check-up was fine.

Define fine.

Healthy BMI, normal bloodwork, all fine.

Huh. Interesting.

Why?

Because that means this isn’t about your health.

Then what is it about?

Control.

That’s a little dramatic.

Is it?

I don’t know. Maybe he’s right.