“Don’t say that, at that time, in China, everyone was puritanical, I understand. …”
Her fingers play little games on your body. You say that you were not puritanical and that you also wanted her.
“Was it because you were repressed that you wanted to indulge yourself?”
“I wanted to indulge myself with a woman’s body!” you say.
“And you also wanted a woman to indulge herself, right?” Her velvety voice is right by your ear. “Then fuck me, like you did those women of yours in China.”
“Who?”
“Lin, or that girl whose name you’ve forgotten.”
You turn and embrace her, lift her negligee, and slip into her. … “If you want to ejaculate, go ahead. …”—“Ejaculate in whose body?”—“A woman you want. …”—“A wanton woman?”—“Isn’t that what you want?”—“You’re a prostitute?”—“Yes.”—“Have you ever sold yourself?”—“Yes, and not just once. …”—“Where?”—“In Italy. …”—“Who did you sell yourself to?”—“Anyone who wanted. …”—“You’re cheap!”—“Not at all, you can’t afford me, what I want is for you to suffer. …”—“That’s all in the past.”—
“No, it’s right by you. …”—“That deep place?”—“Yes.”—“It’s very deep, right inside to the end … maybe too deep. … Is that why you’re squeezing hard, sucking?”—“You’ve ejaculated! Don’t worry. …”—“Aren’t you afraid?”—“Afraid of what?”—“What if you became pregnant?”—“I’d have an abortion.”—“Are you crazy?”—“You’re the one who’s afraid, you want to indulge but you don’t dare. Don’t worry, I’ve taken something.”—“When?”—“In the bathroom.”—“Before coming to bed?”—“Yes, I knew you would fuck me.”—“Then why did you torment me for so long?”—“Don’t ask, if you want to, just use it … this body. …”—“The body of a prostitute?”—“I’m not a prostitute.”—“I don’t understand.”—“Don’t understand what?”—“What you said just now.”—“What did I say?”—“You said you had sold yourself.”—“It would be impossible for you to comprehend, impossible for you to understand, impossible for you to know!”—“I want to know everything about you!”—“If you want to use me, go ahead, but don’t hurt me.”—“But aren’t you a prostitute?”—“No, I’m just a woman, one who became a woman too early.”—“When?”—“When I was thirteen. …”—“Nonsense! Are you making it up?”
She shakes her head. You want her to tell you about it! She mutters that she doesn’t know anything and doesn’t want to know. … She needs to suffer and to experience ecstasy through suffering. You need women, need to ejaculate your lust and loneliness into the bodies of women. She says she pays because she, too, is lonely and longs for understanding. Pays for love and enjoyment? Yes, she just wants and so she gives and also pays. And sells herself? Yes. And is wanton? And cheap! She rolls on top of you and you see her eyes glinting in the dark before you close your eyes and start calling out. …
11
As he lay in Lin’s nuptial bed of not long ago, he opened his eyes wide, still finding it hard to believe he was not dreaming. Naked and beautiful, and looking down at him like this, Lin had taught him what it was to be a man. Lin led him from the sitting room down to the very end of the corridor to her bedroom. Thick velvet curtains hung to the floor, and the only light came from under the chrysanthemum-yellow shade over the tall vase-based table lamp. She sat him at the desk and brought out a big photo album with pressed-metal edging. As he turned the pages, he saw that the photos were all of her, either in sleeveless, low-cut dresses revealing her arms, shoulders, and legs, or else in wet bathing suits that clung to her body; her husband had taken these at Beidaihe just after they married. At this point, Lin leaned toward him, and he felt her hair brush his cheeks. He turned to put his arms around her slender waist and, as his face pressed against her breasts, he became aware of the fragrant warmth of her body. He straight away pulled down the zipper at the back of her dress, got her onto the bed, and started wildly kissing her on her lips, face, and neck, then, after removing her bra, her nipples. This was what he had sought in his dreams. He was in such a desperate hurry that he tore her delicate sexy panties that were not available in ordinary shops. But he was not able to get an erection and could not enter her. Again, it was Lin who eased his mind by saying that by this time of the night her parents would be asleep and that they do not come to her room anyway. Also, her husband’s hi-tech weapons research institute was far away in the mountains of the western suburbs; army discipline was strict, and he could not come home unless it was a weekend. He suddenly needed to urinate, so Lin put on a dress, went outside in her bare feet, and came back right away with a washbasin. He latched the door, but pissing so noisily into the enamel washbasin made him feel like a thief. Switching off the light, Lin helped him off with his shoes and socks, then got him to lie down naked in the bed. She pulled the bedcover over him just like a big girl in his teenage dreams, or like a kind nurse on the battlefield caring for him, cleaning his bleeding wounds with her gentle, firm hands. It was then that he suddenly had an erection. He turned, bore down on this spritely woman, and carried out his most important act since birth.
He left Lin’s room before daybreak. The courtyard was pitch-black, and above the branches of the old persimmon tree was a blue-black square of sky. Lin quietly removed the bolt, and the heavy door creaked open. He slipped out and, glancing back, watched die big ancient metal-studded door close, then wheeled his bicycle into the middle of the hutong. Not in a rush to get on his bicycle, he listened to his footsteps as he made his way through the maze of hutong. He did not want to go home immediately, and if his roommate Old Tan started asking questions, he would have to talk his way around things. As he was coming out onto the street, his footsteps were gradually absorbed by the noises and sounds of the city waking up. The first lot of empty electric trolleybuses rumbled by; then in both directions, the number of cyclists and pedestrians gradually increased. He took a few deep breaths, and, as his lungs relaxed, he felt an exhilarating freshness and a sense of quiet self-confidence.
At midday, he saw Lin in the big dining hall. She was wearing a long-sleeved dress and a silk scarf. Her collar was buttoned up. When her colleagues at the long table left, Lin glanced at him and quietly said, “My neck is all purple where you kissed me.”
It was hard for him to say if he was in love with Lin, but from that time onward, he lusted for her beautiful body. They arranged other meetings, but he could not go to her home on a regular basis. If her parents were at home, he was forced to listen reverently while they spoke passionately about national events. They were always lecturing him, and he had to put on an act of being good. It was as if he belonged to the generation of successors to the revolution, and, to agree, he had to say many hypocritical things. When the elderly couple started yawning and left the sitting room, Lin would signal with her eyes and they would start talking some nonsense about the office. When it grew quiet in her parents’ room, he would get up and say something in a loud voice to indicate that he was leaving. Lin would escort him out of the sitting room and take him into the courtyard where the lights were already out. He would quietly circle back into the corridor, wait by a post as Lin put out the sitting-room lights, then slip into her bedroom to spend the night in utter bliss.
He preferred to meet Lin outdoors: in a park, by the city wall, or among lilac and jasmine bushes. They would spread their overcoats on the ground, or have quick sex standing against a big tree. If Lin’s husband had to go away on an assignment to a military site, they would go to the hollows of Badaling and stay until sunset, then at twilight, in the night wind, grope their way down the mountain to catch the last bus back to the city. Sometimes they took a train further off to the Western Hills and got off at Mentouqi, where Peking Man was discovered, or some small station where the train stopped for only one minute. They took food with them, and would climb to the other side of the mountain and find some secluded spot where they would totally abandon themselves in the sun and the howling mountain wind. It was only at such times, lying on the grass in the wilds and looking at the clouds floating in the sky—free of worries, free of danger, and making love—that he felt natural.
