All I have ever wanted is to be a mother.

“So what is the plan?” Stay-see asks as she cracks another egg over the skillet and begins to swirl it around with her bone spoon. “Another mashup of holidays like last time?”

Claire clasps her hands together under her chin. “I was thinking we could do twelve days of Christmas. Except, not Christmas,” she amends, giving No-rah an apologetic look. “I know you’re Jewish.”

No-rah waves a hand. “It’s not about religion here, anyhow. It’s about community. We can call it whatever.”

“Well, I was talking to Ariana,” Claire continues. “She said that in medieval times they celebrated twelve days of Christmas overall. It was called Epiphany.”

“Twelve days of Christmas,” Stay-see murmurs, nodding.

“Right. I thought that might be something fun we could do—take the holiday and spread it out over several days so we can make the most out of it.” She looks over at me. “What do you think, Asha?”

I am being asked? I shrug. “Everyone enjoyed the last haw-lee-deh.” Except me, but there are few things I enjoy anymore. I hold Ah-nah closer and sniff her sweet-smelling mane again, lost in her scent. “If anyone wishes to celebrate, I will be happy to watch their kits.” That will give me more joy than the foot-and-ball game they played last time there was a haw-lee-deh.

“But maybe we can think of ways to bring in sa-khui customs instead of just purely human ones,” Claire tells me. “Surely there are games you play, or foods you eat to celebrate. You must have customs that I’m not thinking of, yes?”

I shrug.

“I remember the head-butting thing from last year,” Stay-see says with a shudder. “Maybe we skip that part.”

“Eeek, I remember that, too.” Claire looks worried.

“It is a game,” I tell them, amused at how it bothers the humans. Head-butts between hunters are nothing but showing off for females. It does not hurt them, because their great horns protect their hard skulls. But I suppose there are no human females to show off for this time.

“Maybe we need different games. Like Secret Santa.”

“Oh my god, I love Secret Santa!” Stay-see stirs the eggs vigorously and gives Claire an excited look. “We should totally do that!”

“San-tuh?“ I echo. “It is a food? Better than eggs?” I eye my half-eaten plate of yellow fluff. It is going to take all that I have to choke it down.

The humans laugh. No-rah explains, “Santa is Santa Claus. It’s a Christmas tradition. He‘s a man—”

“A jolly old elf,” Claire breaks in.

“Right,” No-rah continues. “And he slides down the chimney and brings gifts to all the boys and girls who have been good all year…um, season.”

“Chim-nee?” I ask.

“The smoke hole in the ceiling. Kinda.”

I frown at this thought, even as Ah-nah grabs one of my braids and pulls hard. “This fat man falls into your fire with your gifts? How is that a reward?”

Claire giggles. “If you‘re not good, he brings you coal. Fire fuel.”

“Fire fuel is useful,” I point out. “I shall be bad and someone will do my chores for me. I like this custom.”

All three women laugh again. “That’s not how it works, Asha. You can’t be deliberately naughty,” Stay-see says, grinning. “Though I guess you can if you want to. And I guess fuel isn’t that bad of a gift, all things considered. I guess we’d have to tweak things a bit for Not-Hoth holidays.”

“It’s a work in progress,” Claire agrees with a nod. “I’m going to make a list with some coal and one of the skins and see what I can come up with. Maybe we can come up with one event a day and spread things out.”

“Don’t forget the food. I like the food,” Stay-see tells her.

Ah-nah makes an unhappy noise and then begins to cry. I bounce her, trying to soothe her unhappiness, but then her sister El-sah begins to wail, and then both twins are howling. No-rah grimaces and takes Ah-nah from me, opening her tunic to nurse. “So much for quiet time in the morning.”

“Shall I hold El-sah?” I ask. I itch to hug one of the weeping kits to my breast and soothe it. My heart longs so much for a kit of my own. Oh, my sweet little Hashala. I miss her every day.

“It’s okay. I can nurse them both at once,” No-rah says and expertly juggles her second child to her other breast. “I’m getting to be a pro at this.”

Stay-see serves a pile of eggs to Claire, and the two women continue to talk about the haw-lee-deh and their human customs. I choke down the rest of my food, since times are lean and food is not to be wasted, even if it tastes poor. I feel very alone again, and sad. I finish my plate and get to my feet.

“Leaving, Asha?” No-rah looks up at me. She means well, but she cannot understand how jealous I am of her happiness.

I simply nod. “Tired,” I say, and hate that my voice is flat and angry. I am not truly sleepy, but my furs are a refuge from the world, and right now I just want to crawl into them and forget for a few hours again. I leave the humans’ fire and head back to my howse. A few more people are waking up and moving about their day. Leezh and her mate are walking through the center of the vee-lage, lost in conversation. Raahosh holds their little daughter close and nods at his mate’s words. In the distance, I can hear Cashol and Meh-gann laughing together. So many kits. So many happy families.

I duck into my howse, glad to find it dark and silent. The dvisti is near my side of the howse, and I shoo it away. Stupid animal. I climb into my furs and pull out Hashala’s little tunic. I bring it to my nose and sniff it, but it has lost the kit-scent that perfumes Ah-nah’s mane.

“Back to bed?” Farli asks, sleepy. “Is there food at the fire?”

“Eggs,” I say flatly. “Lots of eggs.”

She makes a noise of dismay.

I remain silent, hoping she will leave and let me be. But Farli sits up in her furs and smacks her lips, yawning, oblivious to my mood. She pets her dvisti for a time and seems to be in no hurry to leave. I roll over in my blankets, presenting her with my back. As I do, I think. Farli is a lot like me. Maylak, Farli and I are the only sa-khui young females in our tribe. There is old Kemli and Sevvah, but neither is close in age to me. Maylak was always my rival…and she now has everything I ever wanted: a happy mate, a secure place in the tribe, and two kits. The male hunters that should have been falling over themselves to court Farli are now mated to humans, and the humans tend to stick together. They keep human customs and talk of human things, and sometimes it makes me feel very isolated in my own tribe. I am not the stranger, and yet…I no longer fit in with my own people.

I roll onto my back and look over at Farli again. She is braiding her long mane in lazy, slow motions, yawning. “Do you ever feel like an outsider, Farli?”

She gives me a puzzled look. “An outsider?”

“Because of the humans?”

Her head tilts. “Should I?”

I sigh. Perhaps it is just me that is discontent. “Never mind. Go and talk to Stay-see and Claire. They are discussing another No Poison Day.”

That gets her attention. She makes an excited sound and bounds out of her furs. I hear the dvisti dancing around her as she dresses, and then a moment later, they are both gone.

Quiet at last. I hug Hashala’s little tunic to my breast and try to go back to sleep.

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2

HEMALO

“You have my thanks,” Ereven tells me with a clap on my shoulder. He gazes up at the new cover for his howse, pleased. “I do not want to wake up in the middle of the night with Claire soaking wet again. My mate is far too fragile for that.”