I wanted him, too.

I swallow hard, toeing a line in the sandy bank. Ripples spiral out from where my toe nudges the water, distorting my image on the once-glassy surface.

I’ve never met anyone like Draz, much less had feelings for anyone like him. Intense, shockingly strong feelings.

I need to talk with him. I nod at my reflection, and she nods back. I don’t have a lot of options, but Sueva is one of them. Staying with Draz is one of them.

Maybe there’s still hope for me here, on this planet, if I can figure out how to tell him I’m not ready to have kids. If he still wants me in spite of that, then maybe… maybe we have a chance.

I cross my arms over my chest, hugging myself.

I want to give us a chance.

I’m going out of my mind with boredom by the time Draz returns. I’ve sorted the remaining supplies in our stolen packs, washed and hung to dry the thin blankets, which they sorely needed, and even managed a quick nap after eating a few handfuls of berries.

But mostly, I’ve been trapped in the cave with my thoughts, and they weigh on me. The zoleh didn’t prove a great conversational partner, but it didn’t seem too offended by me practicing what I was going to say to Draz for the last hour or two.

“Hi,” I tell him, my surge of happiness at seeing him warring with my trepidation at telling him what I’m thinking. It comes out strange and high-pitched as a result, and I clear my throat, trying again.

“Hi,” I repeat, then scowl. Great. I’m definitely playing it cool.

Draz shoots me a concerned look. “Are you fevered again?”

“No,” I say quickly. The zoleh runs back and forth between us, chattering happily at Draz. “She’s glad you’re back.”

“Is she the only one glad I have returned?” he asks, caution shadowing his question.

“No.”

The grin he gives me is slow, relieved, and real.

I bite my cheeks, and the next words spill forth from my mouth in a rush. “I want to talk to you. I think we need to talk about… last night. And—” I wave my hand in front of me in a nonsensical gesture. “—and the future. For us. Please.”

“You sound very serious, Ni-Kee.”

Not my Niki, not my heart, not my mate. Just Ni-Kee. A crack forms along my chest, and I press my palm to my collarbone, wrapping my other arm around my waist.

“It is serious.”

“I need to clean the fish I brought for dinner,” he says, holding several up.

“Whoa.” Momentarily taken aback, I stare at the two-foot long fish dangling from his hand. “That’s a lot of fish.”

“You need your strength, and so do I.”

“Thank you,” I tell him.

“It is my duty and honor to provide for you. No thanks are necessary.” The words are stiff, and full of hurt. Based on what he told me earlier, they’re true, too. He wants to take care of me. I’ve always prided myself on my independence, but the truth of Sueva is that I do need his help.

Even if it rankles sometimes. I scrunch up my nose, inhaling deeply.

“Can I talk while you clean the fish? I just… I need to get it out.”

“And you will speak true with me, Ni-Kee?”

I blow out a breath. “Yes. I know you don’t think highly of humans, and frankly, we deserve that.”

He clucks his tongue, making a strange, low noise in his throat of disapproval as he kneels on the cave floor. The fish slap wetly against a rock, and he primes the long energy knife before slicing into one.

“But I have never tried to lie to you.” I purse my lips, recalling our time together. I spread my hands, starting to pace again. The zoleh sits opposite Draz, clearly begging for fish, its demeanor so reminiscent of a cat I had growing up that my heart twists a little in nostalgia.

If I stay here, I’ll never see a cat again.

It’s a stupid thought, considering I’ve never had the time or space to take care of one.

I inhale deeply, trying to collect my scattered thoughts.

“Draz, I care for you.” My nose scrunches. “Deeply.”

“You hold my whole heart in your hands,” Draz says simply, and his eyes are full of a wounded longing that cuts right through my core. “I have always longed for a mate, but I never knew that I would have one as perfect as you.”

“Draz,” I say, sinking to my knees next to him. My hand twitches in my lap. I want to touch him, but I don’t. “You have to understand. All of this is new to me, and while that’s not a bad thing, I need time. I never expected to be married, hell, I never thought I wanted to get married.”

He keeps working at the fish, his face stony. The only indication he’s listening is his tail, twitching behind him furiously.

I swallow hard and continue. “I’m still coming to grips with the fact that the people I entrusted my career and life to sold me out.”

“I would not have you if you are not willing, Ni-Kee.”

An irritated groan slips out of me. “Can you just let me finish?”

His gaze slides to me, a hint of amusement in his eyes. “So fierce.”

“I was willing last night, Draz. What we did…” I pause, heat rolling through me in a heady wave of desire. “Last night was incredible. Truly. I loved it. I love what we have.” My voice is earnest, the words rushing out of me before I can think them through, my carefully practiced speech tossed out the window, my emotions to strong now. “I think I could love you Draz, really. But it’s only been a few days. And I’m not ready for babies.” A little sob chokes out of me.

Draz stops, his hands still, his entire focus on me.

I push on, trying to get everything out. “I know that’s what you need us for, me and my crew. For babies and for your species. And I mean, I get it. I get that. But I am not ready to be a mom. If you only want me because you want children, then I’m not the woman for you. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. I had my whole life ahead of me. I had a career. Now I’m just supposed to pop out babies?” I shake my head. “I need time. I want you. But not if you only want me for that.”

He stands up, not even looking at me, and grabs the fish, skewering it with an expert motion and placing it over the fire. Without another word, he heads for the pool, splashing into it.

I rock back on my heels, hanging my head. So that is all I am to him. A vessel for more children. I place my hand against the curve of my stomach, wondering what it would be like to be pregnant, and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt I am not ready for it. I barely know Draz.

The sound of splashing water rushes over me. He’s so irritated he must have randomly decided to go for a swim to get away from me.

I close my eyes. It hurts. I didn’t expect it to hurt so much.

But I know who I am, and what I want, and I’m more than a vessel, more than my potential to make babies. Shouldn’t that matter?

It does to me.

If Draz can’t understand that, then this isn’t going to work. No matter how much it hurts, I won’t ever be happy with someone who wants that of me, who demands that of me.

Breathe in, breathe out.

I focus on my lungs filling, flooding my system with air, trying to calm myself down. I said what I needed to say. I spoke my truth, like he asked.

If he has a problem with that truth, then that’s on him. It is what it is.

“My Ni-Kee,” Draz says, kneeling next to me.

I turn to stare up at him, my hands folded in my lap.

His expression is full of love, of affection and warmth, but it fades to something like irritation as he looks away, and my heart fractures.

“You are right. I do want children. I want a family, and to ensure the survival of my species. That is my duty and my desire both.”

My knuckles whiten in my lap. I’m not surprised, but disappointment wracks me.

“But, Ni-Kee, I meant what I said.” His clean hands cup my chin and he tugs me close to him, so that I’m in his lap, pressed up against the solid wall of his chest. “You have my heart. If you are not ready for children, then of course we will wait. And if you decide you are never ready for them, I will treasure the ability to greedily take all of your time to myself. You are bold, and brave, and beautiful, and I would be a fool to throw that away.”