Chapter Thirty

Why was I still doing this?

Why?

Why hadn’t I just said, “Van, who gives a shit whether you can run a marathon or not? You did more than you ever imagined you could. Who do you have to impress?”

As much as I hadn’t wanted it to, life had taken its toll on my head and confidence. Since everything happened, I’d barely been able to add another mile and a half to my distance, and that was pushing it. I walked and bitched while I did it, and afterward, I was so tired and my knee ached so badly, I crashed out on the bed after my shower and refused to get up.

Every sign said doing the marathon was a terrible idea.

Nothing changed the fact that I missed Zac’s company, and the way he motivated me to keep going even when we were both cussing about how stupid doing this was.

I had to do it. I’d trained for months. Not finishing wasn’t an option.

I could do it.

I wasn’t freaking the fuck out. Nerves weren’t making my hands shake. I wasn’t subconsciously rubbing over my ring finger every few minutes, searching for that token of Aiden he’d given me that I’d left at home because I was too scared to lose it. Aiden’s necklace was tucked under my shirt for good luck. Surrounded by so many people who were smiling and just seemed so fucking stoked to participate, it honestly disheartened me a little.

Twenty miles. I could run twenty miles. That was something to be proud of, wasn’t it?

I had barely thought that when I mentally smacked myself. Of course twenty miles was something, but I’d put my body through hell for these last few months for what? For this.

If I didn’t do this, I needed to get my ass kicked. Even if I came in fucking last, I had to finish it. Screw it.

I shook out my hands. I could do this.

“Are you Vanessa Mazur?” a voice to my right asked.

Finding a woman wearing a T-shirt that said she was volunteering at the marathon, I forced a smile on my face and nodded. “Yes.”

She thrust out a cell phone in my direction. “You have a call.”

A call? Gingerly taking the basic flip phone, I watched as she backed away before raising it up to my ear. “Hello?”

“Muffin,” the deep voice answered.

I pulled the phone away from my face and took in the screen, recognizing the number. “How the hell did you get this number?”

“I didn’t. Trevor did. I tried calling your cell, but it went straight to voicemail,” Aiden explained.

“Yeah, I left it in my pile of stuff,” I pretty much stammered, still trying to process that he’d somehow, some way, gotten in contact with me. He hadn’t called me since he’d left. We’d only communicated via text message, and the sound of his voice went straight to my heart.

In what had become a typical Aiden way, he asked, “Are you all right?”

“No.” I looked around to make sure the woman who handed me the phone wasn’t listening. There were too many people around, all living their own lives, worrying about themselves. “I’m trying to talk myself into doing this even if I come in last,” I admitted.

“You’re about to run a marathon. Do you think it matters if you come in last as long as you finish it?” he asked.

I blinked and let the anxious tears pool in my eyes for the first time. “But what if I can’t finish it?”

The voice on the other end let out a sigh. “You can finish the marathon. Graves aren’t quitters.”

Graves. Graves weren’t quitters. I didn’t want to cry. I wasn’t going to let myself lose it now of all times. At least not completely. “But I’m not really a Graves, and I haven’t even been able to finish twenty-six miles, much less twenty-six point two. Not once. I’m dying by twenty.”

“Vanessa,” he rumbled my name in a way that felt like a caress to my spine. “You’re a Graves where it matters. I don’t know anybody else who could do what you’ve done. Come out on top of what you have. You can do this. You can do anything, do you understand me? Even if you limp your way through the last sixteen miles, you’re going to finish it because that’s just who you are.”

This weird hiccup thing crept up my throat, and the next thing I knew, I dropped my hand away from my face to control myself. It didn’t take long, but it was the most difficult control I’d ever tried to get ahold of. With a few deep breaths, I put the phone back to my ear, emotion overwhelming my nostrils. “In case I die on my run, I want to tell you something.” I wanted to tell him I loved him. Fuck it. What the hell had I been waiting for?

He was a good man. The best type of man—for me at least. The more I thought about what was between us, the more I picked up on the breadcrumbs he’d been leaving for me for some time now. He cared about me. He more than cared about me. I knew it from the bottom of my soul.

“Tell me afterward. You’re not going to die,” he replied, smoothly with conviction.

“No, I need to tell you now just in case,” I insisted.

Aiden let out a sigh. “You’re not going to die. Tell me afterward.”

“But what if—?”

“Vanessa, you can do this. I’m not doubting you for a second, and you shouldn’t be doubting yourself either,” he demanded. “I know you’re hurting right now, but I’m willing to bet none of your sisters would be able to do what you’re about to do.”

He’d gone for the killing blow. The one thing in the world to resuscitate me. Aiden got me and he got me good. “I’ve got this,” I said in a muffled voice. I had to have this. There wasn’t a choice, was there?

“You’ve got this,” he repeated with more conviction. “You can do this.”

Now or never right? “I’ve got this.”

He made a light noise, a tender one. “That’s my girl.”

His girl? “I am?” I just outright asked him, hoping more than a little he wasn’t just… that was stupid, Aiden wouldn’t just say that.

“The only one,” he said it like there was no other choice in the world.

How could I not tackle universes with that kind of possessiveness from the most driven man I’d ever meet? “I might not be able to walk after I cross the finish line, but I’m going to do it. Can I call you after I’m done when I’m lying on a hospital bed?”

“You’d better.”

I have been through some shit in my life. I knew what pain was, I’d dealt with it on and off for years, sometimes more on than other years. I understood the basics of working hard and succeeding. And I liked to do my best at everything I attempted. I always had, and I wasn’t going to worry or wonder why that was.

But the marathon…

I’d prepared as much as I could to run it, considering everything. I knew my limits and my body.

But after that fifteenth mile marker…

Everything began to shut down.

I wanted to die.

Each step began to feel like hell incarnate. My shins were crying invisible tears. All my important tendons and ligaments thought they were being punished for something they’d done in another lifetime.

And I wondered why the hell I’d ever thought doing this would be my crowning achievement after my long road. Couldn’t I have just raised money for a charity or something? Was I too young to be a foster parent?

If I lived through this, I could do anything, I convinced myself. I’d do an Iron Man competition, damn it.

Okay, maybe I’d prepare for a triathlon if I finished this prison sentence.

If I finished it.

If.

If I didn’t die. Because it sure as hell felt like I was on the cusp.

I was thirsty, hungry, and every step sent a streak of pain straight up my spine and into my head since I’d begun to lose my stride and run sloppier. I might have had a migraine too, but my pain receptors were too focused on everything else to notice.

But I thought about Aiden, my brother, and Diana. I thought about Zac.

And I closed my eyes and pushed. Each mile got harder; hell, each foot became more difficult to move. I was slowing down because I was crossing into the Underworld.