And he didn’t choose me.

He chose the alternative.

He accepted that my life was forfeited even while I fought to persuade him otherwise.

One step fell toward me as his head tipped up and desperation etched his features. “I can’t let you do that.”

I backed up, my heart winging with terror. “Gil...let me walk away.”

“I wish I could.” He chased me. Hunted me. Sad and defeated. Determined and depressed. “I’m so sorry, O. So, so fucking sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? What have you done?”

He choked on words too horrendous to utter. He swallowed them back, along with any sign of the boy who’d protected me in our youth. “I need you to come inside now.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you.”

He gave a half-smile, reeking of destruction. “You don’t have a choice. Not anymore.”

“I always have a choice.”

His voice dropped to a whisper. A whisper that was worse than any shout or curse. “Did you have a choice when life took away your dancing? Did you have a choice when I left you at school?”

“You can’t twist this. In this, I have a choice.”

“You’re wrong.” His hand came up to capture my cheek.

I flinched from his touch, but he kept pursuing me until his icy skin seared into my flesh. He held me tenderly but firmly. A lover’s caress all while chains wrapped tight around me.

“I lost everything the moment you found me again. I thought I’d lost it all when I left you in high-school, but that pain is nothing, nothing, to the fucking agony now.” His fingers dug into my cheekbone, seeking forgiveness, absolution. “I wanted you, but I should never have been so weak. I was selfish. So fucking selfish to keep you. This is all my fault, O. I take full blame. I will never, ever forgive myself.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. Not yet.” I looked toward the street, begging for someone to fix this. To replace this terrifying, shattered version of Gilbert Clark with the protective loving one I knew.

But no one came.

We were alone.

“I’ve done so many things that are past forgiveness.” Gil’s eyes blazed with self-hatred. “Including letting you back into my life. The moment you appeared, I should’ve chased you away. I should’ve hurt you if it meant you’d never return.”

“You couldn’t have kept me away. I can’t leave when you’re—”

“I told you your goodness would get you killed.” He interrupted me, his voice strange and thick, full of misery. “You’ve always been the one I put above everyone. I would’ve done anything for you, O, been anyone, fought everything...but in this, you can’t come first.”

“I never asked to come first.”

“No, of course you wouldn’t.” His temper flared. “You’d never expect someone to love you over everything else. It wouldn’t even cross your mind that you’d be that precious, that wanted...especially after having parents who treated you as if you were an inconvenience.”

“Gil...” My heart smashed against my ribs. “Stop.”

“You didn’t ask to come first, but you were. I put you first. I never wanted you to be hurt. I did everything I could to stop people taking away what you wanted because you deserved someone to fight for you. Someone to look after you as well as you looked after everyone else.”

Tears gathered. “Is that what you did? Did you leave to...protect me?”

He stiffened, his own grief glittered. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Don’t. Don’t shut down. Tell me!”

His gaze fell to the photo of me on the ground. “None of that matters now.” His energy siphoned down his legs and soaked into the ground, leaving him downcast and tragic. “Time has run out. We have to go inside.”

“Let me go home.” My pulse pounded. “Whatever you think you have to do, you don’t. Gil, please.”

He sighed brokenly. “I told you, you weren’t safe with me, O.” He couldn’t hide the heartsickness inside. “Maybe now you’ll believe me.”

“I won’t let you do something that I know isn’t you!”

He reached for me. “I wish it was that easy.”

I ducked away; I spun to run.

But my back hadn’t recovered from my idiotic attempt at dance. My knees hadn’t forgiven me. My broken and pieced together body wasn’t limber or swift like it once was.

I moved.

He moved faster.

His hand locked around my wrist, jerking me to a halt. “I tried to stop him from having you. I truly did.” His other hand cupped my throat as if we were two lovers beneath the stars. His thumb ran along the column of my neck, burning with snow and shaking with regret. “I told him I’d do whatever it took. I’d do things I’d refused to do. I’d pay any price. I’d stay in servitude for the rest of my godforsaken life. All to protect you.” His forehead nudged mine as he pulled me into him. “I would’ve given anything to protect you, but his price is too high. I can’t save you both.”

“What are you talking about?” I struggled to release myself, wriggling in his hold. But he was too strong. Too focused. Too lost.

“Him. The man who owns me heart and soul.”

“Who?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Stop saying that!” Anger washed through me. “I hate that reply. It does matter. It matters! Tell me. What does that bastard have over you?”

Gil dragged me into him. A hug full of menace and apology. His free hand threaded through my hair to cup the base of my skull. With a tattered sigh, he kissed my forehead with glacial lips.

A kiss that throbbed with true love. “I’m just as in love with you as I was back then...did you know that?” His breath warmed my skin before pulling away and nuzzling his nose with mine. “I’ve always been in love with you. This will end me. I might save a life by taking yours...but mine has been forfeit ever since I lost you the first time.”

I closed my eyes, seeking strength. “I don’t know what any of this means. I’m so sick of not knowing.”

“It means, I love you. I always have. I always will.”

My lashes soared upward, locking our gazes together. “If you love me, stop this. Come with me. We’ll go to the police. They’ll—”

“Lock me up for so many crimes. I deserve to be put in a cage. I’ve been avoiding punishment for years. But I can’t be incarcerated because then I can’t save her.”

“Her?”

His entire body flinched.

A hitch caught in his chest.

Agony tiptoed over me. “Who is she, Gil?”

“Someone who comes first.” His whisper shattered me into bleeding, gasping shards. “I’d die for her. I probably will die for her. And you...” His stare shredded mine. “You’ll...” His voice broke. He shook his head, swallowing hard. “We’ll all probably die...but I have to try.”

“Don’t.” I fought in his embrace. “The police will listen to what you’re going through. They won’t lock you away without cause.”

He huffed blackly. “They have cause. So many fucking causes.”

“I’m sure if we talk to them...” My voice wavered as more tears trickled down my face. “Gil...please. You’re not alone anymore. You don’t have to fight this by yourself. No one...no one has to die.”

“If I knew it would save both of you...I’d slit my wrists right here.”

“Don’t say that. What sort of world would it be if you weren’t in it?” I tried to touch him gently, to shove aside my fear and hug him tight. But self-preservation howled in my blood, desperate to run, screaming to flee.

“Goddammit, Olin.” He stepped back, pulling me toward the open door and the darkness beyond. “Even now, you’re still so good. You still think I can be redeemed.”

“You can.”

“No, I can’t.” He jerked me closer to death. “I love you so much it’s ripping my fucking heart out, but I can’t stop this.”

Tugging against his pressure, I scratched at his fingers. “If you love me, you’d find a way.”

“There is no way. Believe me...I’ve tried.”

“Tried what?”

“To stop him. To end him.”