Gil

-The Past-

FUNNY HOW LIFE could promise such hope, then snatch it away so quickly.

Funny how a heart could love someone so much even when it could never have them.

I still loved Olin.

But she wasn’t mine.

She could never be mine again.

My love for her didn’t accept that, turning into a vicious, hungry thing.

It gnawed on me every day and crippled me every night.

I wanted it to stop.

I begged it to go away.

But...it only increased.

Drop by drop, I drowned in agony for what I’d lost.

School had ceased being my salvation. Now, the corridors were a tomb rather than a maze I was lost in. A tomb where my heart was condemned to die because I was no longer allowed to love Olin or had the privilege to dream of our future freedom together.

The corridors and classrooms were worse than the whorehouse I lived in. My sins echoed in the gym. My corruption painted the building’s bricks.

I despised it.

I’d had everything taken from me.

Everything.

And still my love continued to bleed me dry.

But in my dark, dismal world, at least the woman who’d granted such loneliness stayed true to her word.

One night.

She’d used me for one night. She’d placed a photo of the girl I loved on a side table while she fucked me raw. And then...when she’d ensured I wasn’t fit to touch anyone else, she’d set me free.

I’d stumbled from her hotel room at four in the morning, bruised, dehydrated, and trembling. Red marks rimmed my wrists from the handcuffs she’d used. Teeth indents tattooed me from where she’d lost control and hurt me.

I felt more exhausted than I ever had in my life, more hurt than any fist my dad could deliver, and more adrift than I ever thought possible.

When Monday rolled around, I couldn’t face Olin.

I couldn’t sit in a classroom with her while our teacher’s scratch marks branded my body. I couldn’t stop the wash of sickness each time I relived how many times Tallup had fucked me and ensured I would never be worthy of Olin again.

I’d gone to our teacher a virgin.

I’d left a monster.

And the gorgeous girl I wanted for my own was now far too good for the likes of me.

I was used and dirty.

Contaminated.

Defiled.

If that wasn’t enough to keep me away, the knowledge that Tallup would ruin Olin’s chances at university were the final nails in my crypt.

Seeing Olin’s pinched and tear-blushed face tore out my heart and left it rotting for eternity. A few days after our ending, she chased me on the field.

Her bag fell from her body, her lips spread in a hopeful hello, she went to launch into my arms with apologies.

Apologies?

Fuck, she’d done nothing wrong.

I had.

I’d betrayed her.

Betrayed our future and our promises.

Holding up my hand, I stopped her from hugging me. My own sadness choked me until I almost broke. My teeth clenched, my stomach roiled, and I teetered on kneeling before her.

I missed her so goddamn much.

But I’d sold my soul to the devil to save her.

This nightmare was mine to endure, not hers.

I would protect her future by removing myself from it. I’d made a vow as Tallup gagged me, staring at Olin’s picture on the dresser that I would never prevent the girl I loved from living the life she was meant to.

Tallup had agreed to let her go.

I’d paid the price.

But there was still a tax on that payment. A tax of silence. Not one word to the girl I would always love. Not one hint that I still cared.

The only thing I could do while Olin begged me to explain was step back, shake my head, and leave.

That was the second time that I broke Olin’s heart but definitely not the last.

Every day, she sought me out, and every day, I didn’t say a word. I sank deeper and deeper into ice, hoping the glaciers in my eyes would warn her to keep her distance.

In class, I studied her pretty hair while she sat in front of me.

In my mind, I apologised over and over.

In my heart, I screamed. I told her I loved her with every breath. I promised her I always would. I begged her to forgive me.

The only person enjoying my heartbreak was Tallup.

Her tiny smirk hidden beneath her teacher’s tone. Her eyes smug and satisfied.

A love-killer, hope-stealer.

A total fucking succubus to the end.

* * * * *

“Gil! Please.” Olin dashed toward me after school.

A few weeks had passed.

I’d lost weight. I barely slept. I welcomed the beatings my dad gave me now because it was the only way to leech out the pain.

I drove my hands deeper into my jeans pockets, striding faster.

She chased me, catching up as we rounded the corner of the street.

“Gil.” Her hand landed on my arm, her eyes watering, lips thin with stress. “I can’t do this anymore. I need to know why you suddenly don’t want to be with me.” Tears fell, sticking to white cheeks. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did...but I love you. I miss you.” She walked into me, pressing her forehead to my chest. “I miss you so much.”

I stepped away, dislodging her hold. “Go home, Olin.”

That was the worst part.

Not being able to walk her home.

Not knowing she was safe.

Not escorting her through shadows and sinners.

She followed me, her breath catching with wet tears. “Please. Talk to me. I don’t know what’s going on.”

I didn’t speak.

My boots thudded as she chased me down the road.

“Gil...please!” A sob hiccupped in her chest. “If we talk about this, we can go back to the way it was.”

It was too much.

To believe we could be together again? To think I could have her, despite everything?

It hurt.

It fucking hurt.

I whirled on her, my nostrils flaring, temper firing. “Leave me alone, Olin. I won’t tell you again.”

No more nicknames starting with O.

No more togetherness after school.

It was over.

All of it.

She trembled on the sidewalk, her mouth opening and closing as if she wanted to argue but didn’t know how. For a second, hate flashed in her gaze.

And it tore out what pieces I had left and threw them in the gutter.

Then she launched herself at me, her hands reaching for my cheeks, her lips seeking mine.

I didn’t think.

I just reacted.

I shoved her back, making her trip and stumble.

Shit.

Shit!

I moved to support her, but I forced myself to lurch backward instead.

The last time someone had touched me, kissed me, it had been against my control. I supposed, in some way, I would have to work through that violation if I ever stood a chance at having a good relationship with affection again. But there, on that street, I couldn’t stomach the thought of Olin’s lips on mine.

Not after Tallup’s had been there.

I wasn’t clean anymore.

“Forget about me,” I muttered, turning away from her. “Just forget I ever existed.”

* * * * *

She didn’t forget about me.

For weeks after, Olin tried to talk to me countless times. Cornering me in the corridor, trapping me in the classroom, chasing me over the grounds.

Tallup was there for all of it; her smugness making me sick. Her rules making me howl for this to be over.

I wanted to leave.

To run.

I’d begun having nightmares on the rare occasions I actually slept.

Dreams of being tied down, unwanted fingers on my body, hated tongues on my cock. I’d dream of Olin being violated like I had. I’d dream of both of us dying.

I’d wake in a full sweat, listening to the sounds of fucking in the next room and wished I could stop myself from ever falling in love with Olin.

Because my love for her was now twisted with what happened in that hotel room.