Because I wanted that.

Deserved it.

Which meant I needed to become Nyktos’s Consort. Until we dealt with Kolis, I needed the protection the title offered. But it couldn’t be anything more than that. I was mature enough to acknowledge that, no matter how much I enjoyed being in Nyktos’s arms. No matter how much I wanted that. Because the physical stuff led to wanting more. To feelings. And that wasn’t safe. Not for me. Not for others. My chest ached even now, a sure sign that I wanted too much.

But once we handled Kolis? I could want to my heart’s content—and what I wanted was freedom.

I knew what I had to do.

Resolve formed as I opened my eyes. Bele and Rhain still argued. Over what, I had no idea. But Rhain watched me. I reached over Bele, placing the cup on the nightstand.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Getting out of this bed.” I tugged on the fur, but half of it was stuck under both her and Rhain. “Could you all move? If not, I’m going to have to get out of this bed completely naked.”

“I don’t necessarily have a problem with that,” Bele remarked. “But Nyktos might.”

“That’s his problem, not mine,” I said. “And the last time I checked, I am more than capable of deciding how long I want to stay in bed.”

“It’s not about being capable or controlling you,” Rhain argued. “It’s about making sure you are ready to be up and moving about. You weren’t napping, Sera. You were in stasis—something that you shouldn’t have been able to survive. Mentally, you may think you’re all good, but physically, you may not be.”

He had a point, I’d give him that. But I didn’t want to be in Nyktos’s bed when he returned. I couldn’t. “I need to use the bathing chamber.”

“Why didn’t you just say that?” Bele sighed as she rolled herself off the bed.

Rhain hesitated, the look on his face saying he didn’t quite believe me, but he rose, too. I gathered the fur around myself and scooted to the other side of the bed. I stood, thankful to discover that my legs didn’t collapse on me. They felt a little weird as I took a step, though—a bit tingly from the lack of movement. Holding the fur close, I headed straight for the narrow corridor between the two chambers.

“Where are you going?” Bele demanded.

“To my bathing chambers. And that is where I’m staying,” I announced with as much authority as I could while draped in a blanket.

Neither stopped me. They followed, though. My bedchambers were as I’d left them. The drapes on the balcony doors were pulled back, revealing the dark gray sky. It was night. One of them turned on the lights in the walls as I padded into the bathing chamber, grabbing the dressing robe on the way. I closed the door, not allowing myself to think about what had happened in this space. I needed to get over that because I would not be making use of Nyktos’s bathing chambers again.

I ignored the twinge of disappointment I felt as I took care of personal needs and then asked through the door, “Can I have hot water brought up?”

There was a muffled affirmative, and then I waited, taking the time in the silence of the bathing chamber to find calm. I searched for the veil, and this time it wasn’t a failure. I found that nothingness, the thing that let me shut off the disappointment, the pain, and the anger. Sealed off the desire—no, the need—to know exactly what Nyktos had been doing with Veses down to the last disgusting detail. I took all those messy emotions and, in my mind, locked them away in an indestructible box made of shadowstone.

A knock came. I exhaled, long and slow, letting the emptiness invade every part of my being as I cracked open the door. It wasn’t Baines with water but Rhain. I stood back as he filled the tub and then thanked him when he finished.

“I’ll make sure some food is sent up,” Rhain said and then left, closing the door behind him.

I took the fastest bath of my entire life, but I got my ass in the actual tub. I faced the door this time, though, and my heart pounded through the whole thing.

It was a success—a minor one, but still. I quickly combed out the tangles in my wet hair and braided it because my stomach had decided to wake up at some point during the bath. I was starving.

Only Bele remained in my chambers when I stepped out. I didn’t see her at first as my eyes were glued to the covered dish on the table.

“It’s soup,” Bele said, and my gaze darted to the couch. She had planted herself there, legs outstretched and ankles crossed on the arm of the sofa. “Easily digestible.”

“Thanks,” I murmured, hurrying to the table. A rather large bowl of soup waited, along with two slices of bread and a hunk of chocolate. I devoured it all in silence.

“Still hungry?” Bele asked.

Leaning back in the chair, I briefly considered asking for more, but my stomach was already feeling stretched too tight, and I deserved the bottle of wine that sat nearby. “I’m good.” I glanced over at the couch. All I could see was the back of her dark head and the pointed tips of her boots. I grabbed the bottle of wine and the glass and rose, moving to the bed so I could see her. I sat on the edge. “Are you watching over me until Nyktos’s return?”

“Nope. Orphine is nearby.” She rocked her feet back and forth. “I’m here because I’m nosy.”

My brows shot up.

“I was here, you know, when the whole damn palace started shaking the other day,” she continued after a moment. “At first, I thought it was another attack and got kind of excited. That’s how bored I’ve been. But when I looked outside and saw nothing, I figured Nyktos was in a pissy mood. That was the only logical explanation since not even the oldest, most powerful gods could make the entire palace rattle.”

I poured myself half a glass of wine and then, on second thought, filled the entire thing, figuring I’d need it for whenever Nyktos made an appearance.

“But it was you doing it.” Bele craned her neck, looking back at me. “A mortal with Primal embers in their Culling.”

I took a long drink at the unnecessary recap.

“Like what the fuck? How is that possible? I get you’re super special, but…good Fates,” Bele said, and I nodded in silent agreement at the disbelief in her tone. “Anyway, what pissed you off?”

I took another gulp of wine.

“And I know something had to because that’s about the only thing that gets the eather going during the Culling.” She sat up. “When I was in my Culling and near the Ascension, I shattered windows if I even got slightly upset about something. Lots of them. By the time I finished the Culling, there were no windows left in the home.”

“Has anyone ever suggested that you may have anger issues?” I asked.

Bele snorted. “Says possibly the most argumentative, combative person I’ve ever met.”

I frowned. “I am not combative.”

She raised her brows.

“I’m…assertive.”

“Aggressively assertive,” she countered. “As you should be—as all of us need to be. So, no shame there.”

“Okay,” I murmured, taking another drink. The sweet wine warmed my blood. “Why are you really here, Bele?”

“That was a rude question.”

I stared at her.

Bele hadn’t done anything wrong, but when I found that veil of nothingness, it wasn’t easy to put it on and take it off at will. The more I allowed myself to feel anything, the harder it was to find that calm emptiness. And that was why it had been so difficult for me to find it within myself to shut down my emotions. I’d left myself open for too long.

So, this was how it would be.

Then Bele said, “I know Veses was here.”

Chapter 31

My hand tightened on the stem of the glass as Bele spoke. “Ector and Saion were heading off to Lethe, and I was waiting for Aios to come. I was on my way to the kitchens, minding my own business, when I saw her entering Nyktos’s office,” she told me. “And I was like…great, that bitch is here.”