So, all in all, the interviews have been great for my doctoral research, but a little shitty on a personal level. I try to remind myself of Samuel’s sage advice from years ago. One day, Bria, you might make a choice you regret. You cannot allow yourself to be limited by the confines of frustration or dismay. You must endeavor to find the hidden benefit your choice unveils.
It’s hard to mine any gems from such a careless error. I’ve been thinking about it continuously, all through the second interview, through dinner with Eli as we compared observations, even in my dreams. The only temporary reprieve was sex with Eli on the couch of our cabin…and then the breakfast nook table…and the kitchen counter. But other than that, my error consumes me, and as hard as I try, I can’t make anything good come from it.
And it’s not like I want to keep all this from Eli. I don’t want secrets between us. I know there can’t be any if I want to hold on to this new life that seems to be growing around me. I just wish I knew how. How to tell him without scaring him away. How to open myself up.
I’m tumbling through every future option as I watch him pace by the entrance of the coffee shop, his phone pressed between his shoulder and ear as he holds our espressos. He paces when he’s excited or agitated, and the fleeting hope that Caron has turned himself in to the FBI passes through my thoughts. It amazes me that a few short weeks ago, that would have been my worst nightmare. But now, catching Eli’s dimpled smile as he hangs up the phone and walks to the car, I can’t think of anything I’d want more, all because it would make him happy.
“What’s up?” I ask as Eli enters the vehicle with our coffees.
“Good news, actually,” he says as he starts the car. “Before we head back, there’s one more woman we can interview, and she’s all yours to question.”
“Really? That won’t pose any problems?”
“No, not at all,” Eli says as we pull away from our spot and prowl through the parking lot. “She’s not part of the active investigation. She’s not from Legio Agni. She’s from another cult.”
The sensation of spiders scuttling beneath my skin tingles down my back. “Another cult?”
“Yeah, it’s one that disappeared about twelve years ago. They were called Disciples of Xantheus, or DOX. They had a small, remote community in Nevada, and one day they just up and left. Turns out, they made it to Bolivia. This woman, Sara, she was with them in Nevada and might have some knowledge of some disappearances that caused them to leave. It’s a long shot, but maybe she can shed light on what’s happening to Legio Agni.”
I’m sure the car is hurtling into another dimension as we accelerate onto the road, heading for the Hilton. My heart constricts in a tight cord of adrenaline. “She’s…from DOX?”
“Yes,” he says. I fall silent, mentally calculating my chances of survival if I jump from the moving vehicle. Eli glances over, registering the unease creeping through my bones. “You okay?”
“Of course,” I say around the block of wood that’s mysteriously become lodged in my throat. “I…you said her name was Sara?”
“That’s right.”
I don’t know a Sara from DOX, so I’m betting it’s another instance of someone-slash-someone else. “Do you have more information you can share in preparation?”
“Only a little. We’ll have a bit of time to review the files the FBI are sending over before she arrives. According to Agent Espinoza she’s just recently left DOX, so our information is not comprehensive. Sara’s been reluctant to participate in interviews. She was badly injured.”
“In…injured?”
Eli’s expression turns grim and then drifts away from me as his gaze follows our left turn. “Before they cast her out, they blinded her.”
I exhale an audible lungful of air in relief which Eli mistakes for empathy.
“Yeah, she’s still adjusting,” he continues. “She was found wandering on a remote road. Someone brought her to a hospital. She had no ID, of course, but the embassy arranged for her transport when she told some of her story and they contacted the FBI. She’s been in Washington ever since.”
We fall into silence as we speed past businesses and vehicles, the streets beckoning me. I want to get out and run. I want to lose myself in the anonymity of this city and forget my past. I don’t want to face it. I just want it to die.
“You sure you’re okay?” Eli asks as he lays a hand on my forearm. He feels like fire. I feel like ice. All the warmth has been sucked into the core of me, like I’m imploding, a black hole sucking everything in, powerless to stop the destruction.
“Yeah,” I lie as we enter the parking lot of the Hilton.
I’m not okay, I think as we glide to a stop in a parking space. I’m about to lose it all.
And it would be now, wouldn’t it. It would be right this instant when I realize the star I thought I would never reach is right here in my grasp. It has been all along. I’ve been propelled into an unreachable destiny by an inescapable past.
I’m in love with Elijah Kaplan.
I would do anything for Eli. I would even go against my own nature. He’s the hearth in my darkness that gives it warmth and light. I’ve never wanted to be anything other than a better version of what I am. More ruthless. More lethal. Until I met Eli.
Maybe I’ll never want to stop hurting other people, but the thought of harming Eli disgusts and saddens me. If he can’t love me because of what I am, I will do whatever I can to release the rage that fuels me. And if I have to embrace my past to succeed, I’ll find a way. If I have to tell him every truth, I’ll do that too. Starting with the most important one.
I’d never thought about what it would be like to fear a few simple words, or how they could be so insufficient yet immense, both at the same time.
“I love you, Eli,” I whisper.
There’s no sound. No movement. I look straight ahead at the unremarkable bricks of the building in front of us through the bug-spattered glass as though I didn’t just try to conjure magic. My throat closes around a tight knot of everything I wish I could say but just can’t.
Eli turns in my periphery. I feel the weight of his gaze on my skin.
“What?” he whispers. He brushes the hair from my face. My eyes sting. “What did you say?”
“I love you.”
The air feels heavy and thick between us as Eli lays his hand on my cheek. He turns me to face him, a shine glassing his eyes in the overcast light as he looks right into the heart of me. “Bria…” he says, letting my name linger. “I love you too, sweetheart.”
Eli leans forward and envelops me in the strength of his embrace. He holds me tight. He whispers it again, his breath and promises warming my neck. “I love you too, Bria Brooks.”
When Eli pulls away, he traps my face between his palms. The pain in my throat won’t let up, not with the way he looks at me, a tide of apprehension rising in his eyes. “What’s wrong, Pancake? Something’s not right. Is it the interview? If you’re worried about taking the lead—”
I shake my head and press my eyes closed.
“Then what’s going on?”
I take a breath. I’m about to step into my past and drag him with me. Eli’s own past is right behind it. I have to tell him, about DOX, about me, about Gabe and Cynthia, but there’s never been anything I feared more than losing him. It’s just like Eli promised when he spoke of love.
“Eli, I—”
Three knocks rap at the driver’s side window. Agent Langille waits as Eli breaks away. Worry still hangs heavily in his eyes as he gives me one last glance before he rolls down the window.
“Sorry we’re early, Dr. Kaplan,” Langille says with a flick of his glance to me. “We have to take an earlier flight back to DC, so we don’t have as much time.”
Eli nods but looks at me, taking my hand with a gentle squeeze. His brows draw together as he surveys my face. “You don’t have to do this,” he whispers.
