Heddock

The darkness in the room became even more palpable. Warm. Enveloping. Heddock was well aware of his surroundings, and had a separate sense of the distance to the switch on the wall, knowing that if he turned on the light, he would immediately lose that sensation. The sensation of darkness that could hold him in its embrace.

He moved toward his desk, treading carefully and putting his hands out slightly in front of him. After a couple steps, he reached his destination and walked around the desk, sitting down in his desk chair. The folding knife he was going for was in the second drawer on the right next to the TV remote. It occurred to him that it would be more comfortable to sit not in total darkness, but just by turning on something, so that that something would light up the room only slightly.

Finding the handle, Heddock yanked it and slid his hand inside. Then he pulled out the knife and the remote, pressing the first button he could find. The TV across the room from him lit up, showing the eight most important surveillance cameras in Apollo 24, showing the movements of citizens in the mess hall, the main assembly hall, the auditorium, the central passageways, and the administration building.

Given that his eyes were already well accustomed to the darkness, Heddock could see everything around him even in this light. Especially the knife. Yes, all these steps were primarily to see the knife better. And to better understand what actions would be most appropriate. Actions that could stretch and release the left side of his body that was weighing him down. He could directly feel that everything on his left side felt like it was shrinking and preventing the rest of his body from functioning properly, especially his heart. After all, it was on his left side too. It was moving too much and too often. And it felt more and more uncomfortable each time. Like if you took it out, there would be relief. You could do anything you wanted....

But you have to get to that point. You can't just pull a heart out. If you could, everyone would have done it a long time ago. Right away, no questions asked. Everyone would have been walking around without a heart long ago, and rejoicing at the ease they had as a result of it      It was

clear that this was a difficult stage. It was clear that few understood it. And that perhaps no one had achieved what they wanted for some reason of their own. They hadn't succeeded.      But he would

succeed      At least there was no doubt about it now. It must succeed, one only had to do it

gradually…

Heddock picked up the knife, opened it, looked at the blade-it wasn't sharp enough. He'd done something with it a long time ago, and for years it had just been sitting in a desk drawer, idle…

It had never been sharpened… Or cut Now he had to cut the nasty side of blood and flesh, and the

sharpness of the knife wasn't quite right for that. Nevertheless, Heddock rolled up his left sleeve and ran the knife fairly hard along the part of his arm below the elbow, but on the other side of the vein. He knew that if he cut through the veins, the blood would come out of him quickly and he could lose consciousness, which meant he couldn't cut out the heart. It takes strength And at the same time,

you can't cut out the heart at once, because you have to prepare the side for it. It is necessary to release blood from the left side of the body so that there is relaxation, so that the oppressive condition that was there at that moment is released.

He put the knife on the table and began rummaging through the drawers, looking for something to sharpen the knife against. After a few minutes of searching, he found an old ceramic mug, the bottom of which was rough enough to sharpen anything steel. Heddock began sharpening his knife on it, and no sooner had he finished than the door to his room opened.

At first it was very frustrating that his forgetfulness had played such a part, but after seeing Sierra's frightened eyes, reason began to take a back seat.

– Charlie?! – Sierra shouted, turned on the light, and walked quickly over to him. She looked at the knife and mug in his hands, and at the cut on his arm, though not bleeding much. – What the hell are you doing?!

Heddock looked around, beginning to realize where he was and what he was doing. His arm began to ache as his mind began to come to rest. It wasn't too bad, but it was starting to whimper and tingle in some places, though given that it was coming out of the part that wasn't a vein, there wasn't much blood on the table. Sierra took off her blouse, leaving her bra on, and tied it around his arm, pulling it tight:

– Charlie, what were you doing just now?

Her gentle voice with a note of concern calmed him down a lot. Just a few moments ago, it had seemed like she'd be screaming and hysterical, not understanding what it was or where it came from. That it was some kind of crime that she shouldn't tell anyone about. But there was no reproach or anger on her part, only complete incomprehension.

– I… I was sharpening a knife to cut my arm… I remember exactly that I thought it was too blunt for that… And I needed to cut my arm to lighten the left side of my body… To make it airy and light. And then you could cut out your heart.

– What?!

– Yes… I remember it well… I had such a thought… Just a minute ago it seemed to me completely natural. I can't even describe the feeling, but it was a complete certainty of rightness… It seemed to me that if I cut out the heart, nothing inside my body would interfere with each other anymore… That it would free the whole body....

Sierra walked around the table, pulled up a nearby chair, and sat down close to Heddock:

– Charlie, are you saying you were gonna kill yourself? Why?

– That's the thing… I wasn't going to kill myself      It's a different feeling. All I wanted to do

was cut out my heart. I had the complete feeling that I was gonna go on living my life as before. Or almost like before, only better… I can't describe it      It's clear to me now that it's delusional, but at

the time it seemed perfectly normal. Not even normal, but natural…

– Charlie, there's something I have to tell you that probably everyone on the station is hiding from you.....

– That eight months ago we had our first suicide who was buried outside? About that?

– Yeah.      I see someone already told you.

– Yes, Sierra. Someone told me. Why didn't you? Why did you keep it from me?

– Why do you need to know that, Charlie? You know it all      You teach people to be good for

themselves and everyone else. You teach them to think about the future. You give them confidence. Why would you want to know that someone gave up not just that, but the very possibility of life?

– Because we've already got four of these crazies. And it looks like there just might be a

fifth…

They both fell silent. It was clear to both of them that everything had just gone exactly to the

point where a fifth citizen of the station would have killed himself by cutting himself up with a knife. And the hardest thing to say was that there wasn't much he could do about it – he was just going crazy without realizing it. And it had happened before, when he'd tried to tell her about these suicides. When he'd stabbed himself in the palm of his hand with his fingernail. It's already happened, it's happening now and it'll definitely happen again. Until he kills himself completely.

– Charlie, we really need you… I need you," Sierra said, hugging him with both arms.