“Is there anything you can do to fix this problem?” I asked shakely.

“Previously, these babies had been dying right after birth. But 30 years ago, the doctors began doing surgeries to correct such problems. Usually they do an open-heart surgery on the first day of the baby’s life. Then, another surgery at six months, and the third one at the age of three years. The recovery is very difficult and not many babies survive these surgeries,” the doctor answered with a sad tone.

I was devastated and shocked by the news and could not believe this was happening. Why had God allowed me to survive the risk of miscarriage, to let this happen to my child? I wasn’t sure if I would be able to handle this situation, but just because I thought this, it didn’t make the problems of my pregnancy go away. “What if I could not handle this situation emotionally or physically? What about our other children?” The questions raced through my mind. Then reality grabbed me. No matter how many questions I had, none of the answers would take away the harsh reality of this pregnancy.

“Olga, I am referring you to a high-risk pregnancy specialist, in case you consider an abortion,” the doctor continued.

“I can’t do an abortion. This is our baby, whom we already love so much.”

All in tears I left the doctor’s office. Outside, shaking, crying, and having a hard time concentrating, I called Oleg at work and told him the devastating news.

“Our baby is a boy, who is having many heart issues. He will die if we don’t do the surgeries. Why did God let it happen to us?”

“Olga, God will help us. We should trust in His will,” Oleg said with a calm voice.

But I thought reality is reality and miracles just don’t happen in today’s world. Men often hide their feelings and don’t talk about them as much as women do. I wondered whether this was Oleg’ true feeling or if he was telling me what I needed to hear.

…….

That minute I remembered the Bible story of Job that Oleg and I had recently read. Job was a blameless, upright person, who feared God and shunned evil. Satan thought that Job was righteous because God had blessed him.

“If you take everything away from Job, I will prove to You that Job will curse you,” Satan told God.

“I let you test Job. I am sure he will not curse Me. He is a righteous and blameless person,” God replied to Satan.

With God’s permission Satan tested Job, by destroying his wealth, killing all his children and taking his health away from Job. But Job didn’t curse God. He remained loyal to Him. Satan was proved wrong and God blessed Job even more than before, by giving him more children and wealth. I wondered if God was testing us, as He had tested Job?

I drove directly to Mom’s house to see and talk to her. I knew her comfort would be forth coming.

“Our baby has very serious heart issues and may be born very ill,” I broke in tears. “He may not even survive…”

“Daughter, please don’t cry. Give your worry to God. He is in charge of everything and He will help you. We will be praying for your baby,” hugging me, Mom tried to calm me down.

I picked up our children and went home. Later that evening, Oleg and I talked to our children.

“David, Kristina and Michael, we have news for you!”

The kids came and sat next to us, ready to listen.

“The baby in Mama’s womb is a boy. You will have a little brother!” Oleg said.

David and Michael jumped up, being so happy about baby brother.

“But I wanted a sister,” Kristina started crying.

I comforted Kristina and shared the rest of the news.

“We also have very sad news for you. Your baby brother has many issues with his heart. When he is born, he may not even live long. He might require multiple surgeries and may not come home right away.”

The children were scared. With tears on their eyes, they looked at us, not sure what to ask, how to react or what to answer.

“We need to pray to God and ask Him to heal our baby,” Oleg said. “God is powerful. He heals people, if it is His will.”

Oleg embraced the children in his arms. We all prayed and cried out to God, asking for His mercy.

…….

One week later, while Oleg was at work, I had a second ultrasound at a high-risk Obstetrician/Gynecology clinic.

“Olga, this ultrasound confirms that all the problems with your baby’s heart are real,” summarized the doctor.

“Why did it happen to our baby? Did I do something wrong?” I asked through tears.

“No one knows why the Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome occurs. As with most congenital heart defects, there is no known cause.”

“Can you tell me more about the surgery?” I asked.

“Sure,” the doctor said. “It is a very complicated open-heart surgery. Eighty-five percent of babies survive the first surgery. Less babies survive the second surgery. And a lot less babies survive all three surgeries. With time, their heart becomes very weak. They require a heart transplant. If they can’t wait long enough for the transplant, they die. Only a few individuals live up to thirty years.”

The doctor paused, and I did not know what to say or ask. What a terrible dilemma for a parent to face. Our baby will die if we don’t do the surgery. But, I also didn’t want my baby to go through the pain of surgery…

“Olga, you may consider an abortion,” the doctor said.

“No,” quickly escaped my lips. “I love my baby so much already. There is no way we can do an abortion. I am also from a Christian family and we know that abortion is a sin. I feel that aborting my baby would be the same as killing him. I can’t do that. His life is in God’s hands. I will give my baby all chances for life, and I know God will help me.”

The doctor looked at me, regretfully. He knew I had no idea what I was facing if I decided to go with open-heart surgeries on a newborn baby.

“I will refer you to a cardiologist,” the doctor said. “They will do an echocardiogram, which will show more details of your baby’s heart. Talk to your husband. You still have time to do an abortion, if you decide.”

I left the doctor’s office and called Oleg.

“The ultrasound confirmed again that our baby’s heart is badly malformed and is not going to change,” I said through tears.

“God will help us, Olga. Please don’t cry,” Oleg tried to calm me with little success.

“I can’t accept it. I don’t want to accept it. Why did God let it happen to our baby? Did we do something wrong? Is He punishing us for something?”

“Olga, we don’t know why it happened. You know we didn’t sin. I don’t think God is punishing us. For some reason, He let it happen and He will help us through it,” Oleg did his best to soothe me.

Until that day, I was hoping that it was a mistake, but it seemed that both Oleg and I were powerless, and that God had failed us. Driving home, I cried out to God, hardly seeing the freeway through tears.

“Why, God, You decided to give us an ill baby? Are you punishing us for something? Show me, what is it? I will do whatever it takes to fix it. I just want our baby to be healthy.”

But God was quiet. I didn’t hear Him answer…

At home, I continued to cry and implore God to heal our baby. I could do this since Oleg was at work and the children were at school. I was home alone. No one could see me cry. After a while, I began to sense a different perspective. I felt as if through our experience with the third pregnancy, God prepared us to better handle the issues in the fourth pregnancy. The doctors predicted that our third child could be born with serious health problems, but he was a healthy baby. Could it happen again? Here we were, facing a decision: the doctors were telling us there was a huge problem and suggesting an abortion; our religious values said we should not do an abortion. How do you decide such a critical question? I knew Oleg and I needed to think and agree, and it had to come from our heart and values.