You don’t have to answer the question when the answer is obvious. Sometimes children ask just because they remember being praised for that as little kids. They ask only to attract attention, but sometimes because they don’t trust themselves. For example, my daughter enters the kitchen where I am drinking tea. She asks, "Dad, what are you doing?" – "What do you see?" – "You are drinking tea." – "Exactly." And she learns to trust herself in what she sees. When children keep asking about something obvious, it means they are not self-confident.
Because we are arrogant, it takes a lot of time before we start delegating the responsibility for their life to children. At first, we enjoy thinking for them; we like being asked for advice, but then children stop thinking for themselves and we have to save them from various trouble. Despite the fact that we created this situation ourselves, sooner or later it starts being a burden.
Questions
How can I understand that my child is ready for independent life? For example, my son is 16 and he wants to leave home. Are there any criteria helping to forecast what will come out – independence or failure?
Why do you have such a question? You have been watching your child for sixteen years. Haven’t you seen him? Haven’t you kept an eye on him? Have you been enjoying the fictitious image of him? I recommend diagnostics, i.e., to ask him a question, "Why do you want to leave?" However, it will become diagnostics only if parents have no fear, judgment or condemnation. Sometimes the idea to live independently appears not because something is due, but because the person wants to run away from something, for example, to get rid of parental control, to watch TV 24 hours a day.
Examine yourself. Why are you afraid of your child living independently? Maybe you haven’t played dolls enough? Then fear appears: if the child leaves, whose life will be under my control because I don’t have my own life. Jealousy and fear don’t allow you to do diagnostics honestly. The child says: "I want to try to live alone." – "OK. If you fail, come back home."
A wise decision is an adequate decision. It is taken when everything is clear and obvious for parents. The absence of clarity is replaced by the concept "right or wrong," "early or late," "has to be this way or doesn’t have to." Say "stop" to yourself. What kind of person is my child? Does he have his own opinion? Does he use his brain or is he guided? Can he "put his hand to the plough" and bring it to a close? Is he determined? How does he behave having troubles: does he solve them or run away?
My friend was telling me that he bought a house, but his children didn’t want to live in it. They stayed in the apartment in the city. One was 16 years old; the other was ten. Parents were waiting for children to call and ask for advice someday, but it didn’t happen. The father called, "How are you?" – "OK." —"Aren’t you late for school?" – "No." – "Are teachers satisfied with you?" – "They are." – "Are you doing your homework?" – "Yes." So, the father felt that the children don’t need him anymore and paranoia began, "Isn’t it too early for them to live independently? Am I depriving them of childhood, making them carry a burden of adult life?" Who told you that it’s a burden? Your experience? We are jealous of children having their own lives, and this makes us inadequate.
What should I do if it’s obvious that my son can’t cope with the independence he undertook, but he doesn’t ask for help?
Then, it’s only you who think he doesn’t cope. You had an expectation of how it should have been. He should have called you, asked for something and then returned home. However, if he doesn’t ask for help, he can do without you. You notice that it’s difficult for him, but he doesn’t complain. Obviously, he is not in despair, he feels he can cope, keeps on working hard, strains to build his life by himself. It seems to you that he fails, because he doesn’t live the way you want him to. But there are other ways to live. The child only eats Chinese noodles, but he could eat meat at home. Who told you that noodles are bad? If he doesn’t ask for meat, then he likes noodles. Leave him alone.
Instead of waiting anxiously for the child to fall flat and come back home, it would be nice to think that he will succeed. There are difficulties, and everything happens. Nothing works on the first try, so let him attempt over and over again. Even if he fails, it’s not the reason to give him up as hopeless and say, "Well, now stay with your mommy for the rest of your life. Do you see how dependent you are?"
I will tell you more: even if the child asks for help, don’t rush to help him. Judging by your question the only thing you crave for is his asking you for help, then, you will become important and meaningful, responsible for his life thus proving his dependence. Let the child himself understand and realize: can he live alone? Don’t push him with your commentaries.
Children mature this way – alone, without friends, face to face with life, "I keep on acting and doing. Not for approval, not for applause, but to survive."
Should I raise my child with the feeling that she is exceptional, different from the rest of the children?
We are all exceptional, not like other people, and unique. This is called individuality. Every person is born unique – just don’t kill this feeling in children. It often turns out that parents first let the child feel a complete zero, but then start instilling the feeling of self-uniqueness. This is a very difficult process – to destroy first, and then restore. Don’t destroy from the very beginning. There is a wonderful anecdote about a woman who came to visit a vet with her dog. She was complaining of her dog’s sudden urination. The vet asked the woman to ask her dog to do something. The woman furiously shouted, "Sit down!!" The children are born "crazy," brave, ready to take risk without fear or anxiety. The need to believe in their power appears if it has been taken away before.
How can I make my child understand that his parents’ house will always be his back-up, but at the same time I want my son to solve his problems by himself and address "back-up" only in case of emergency?
Your anxiety proves that you already know: your child is dependent. Your hypocrisy is that you say his requests are felt as a burden, whereas you really enjoy them. This is some kind of a game: "I would help you, not every day, but every other day…" Unless the child becomes independent, unless he is responsible for his life, he comes to ask for help. If he needs help, he will come every day. Maybe it has become a burden for parents, because they have finally started to live their own lives. They haven’t had it before and they liked their son asking them for advice, for money, but this dependence has become a burden. Your control over a child turned to be his control over you; his dependence became your dependence.
Can I rise my child’s supporting point, refusing him in pocket money (making him earn money himself), not leaving a ready-made lunch (making him learn to cook) and so on?
You can learn if you are taught. We grow up, become smarter and more courageous when we solve problems and overcome difficulties. Creating these difficulties may either be a good training or the purposeless exercise. Refusal is not the method of upbringing. If you have tamed your child, hooked him on full provision, be responsible for that. "You can’t earn money – be poor. You can’t cook – be hungry" is ridiculous. Any load created for a child has to be adequate to his abilities. When you reject, what do you want? Do you want your child to start earning or pleading you for a tip? Is your child aware were money comes from? How do you happen to have it in your pocket? You can refuse to provide money only in case he knows where and how to earn it. If he only knows that money is from a pocket, having received parent refusal, he will get into the only place where the money "lives" – the pocket. It may be their parents’ pocket or somebody else’s.
