Getting adequate feedback from parents is a great advantage for your children. They begin to understand that different behavior with different creatures leads to different consequences. Children start choosing the manner of behavior and playing with the world. Children realize that they can "rule" the world: I do evil things – I receive aggression, I do good things – I receive good attitude. Children feel that they have a number of behavioral models, but at the same time they learn to be responsible for their actions, because now they know what consequences appear after certain actions. If children get used to their aggression turning to more parent care at home, then outside, receiving aggression for aggression, they will run back home. It will seem to children that only parents can understand them and they can survive only within the family. That is how we form parent attachment, because it is only with us that our inadequate children feel safe.
Questions
Should I buy toys with genital organs for my child? In general, should toys imitating people have vivid sexual characteristics?
Genitals are the same parts of the body as legs and hands. There is nothing special about them – they are parts of the body. They are natural; unnatural is the attitude to them as to something dirty, indecent and bad. Today all political and religious bodies try to control, limit and portion affection and sex. There is one mystic in Moscow, Andrey Lapin, who observed, that everything in this world aims at harmony, and the absence of genitals in dolls doesn’t solve the problem, but creates a profitable business – the absent toy genitals are made separately and sold separately in the "Intim" stores (chain store for adults).
Parents consider toys with genitals and "adult" films, spied by children, provoking an "unhealthy" interest in children. But the "unhealthy" interest is exactly provoked by what we hide, forbid, punish for and are confused of. For example, if children see parents making love – for them, just getting to know this world, this is only an event, which they see for the first time in their lives, and the relation is the same as to the first observation of the falling snow. If the mother becomes confused, and the father shouts at children, they thus create a certain attitude to this event. If it’s forbidden, the interest appears, the desire to understand, watch and try comes up. That’s why I say, that animals are better than dead toys. You can’t hide animals’ genitals – they exist. Children see that dogs have them, cats have them, and they have them. So, children don’t have questions to the world, they are logical and consistent. However, when children take off doll’s pants and there is nothing there – it provokes interest. "Why do I have it, but the doll doesn’t?" – children ask parents such questions and parents become confused, shout and punish raising the degree of interest.
Should I punish the child in public? Or should I postpone it until we come back home, but the child may forget everything by that time. So isn’t it more effective to point to the mistake immediately?
We dose our own reactions – put forward or hide – depending on the attitude of other people. But where is your child here? If you want to stop some action your child is doing, just do it. Restraining this desire, you’ll feel weak, dependent and unable of immediate action. In this case, you’ll definitely fly off the handle and shout at your kid if not in the supermarket, then at home, and this will be inadequate feedback.
Punishment for the past action is revenge. It’s always inadequate. If you want to stop something – stop it at once, if you can’t – accept this fact and leave everything as it is. Somebody else will stop – the shop security or the salesperson. If you can’t leave the situation as it is, because you have to act – then act. For example, you stand on the pavement waiting for the green light, but your child rushes to cross the street on the red one. Just take the child by the jacket and hold. The most important thing is not to feel uneasy, if the child is screaming and breaking loose from your grip, and the passers-by are looking back on you. When I realize that this is the best thing to do now, I don’t have to be ashamed or justify myself in the eyes of other people.
How do toys influence the formation of the child’s personality? Should we buy plastic knives, handcuffs and cudgels for the boy?
If your child asks for knives and cudgels, then he wants to be like some film character. Treat it as a symptom – the child starts losing himself, doesn’t understand who he is. If the child wants to be like Schwarzenegger, then little attention is paid to the personality of the child in the child-parent relations. Watch your kid. If you like somebody shown on TV and the next day your child starts to imitate this character, then he isn’t sure if the parents love him. Then the child tries to match some stereotypes. If mum calls Schwarzenegger a real man, the son wants to be like Arnold at once. Give your child love and attention, so that he wouldn’t doubt if parents love him, if they are proud of him, then your child won’t need to copy anybody.
I think it’s much better when the child doesn’t imitate life with the help of plastic knives and hammers, but cuts something with a real knife and hammers real nails. I had a real scythe as a child – the first time I cut fingers with it, but nobody paid attention, nobody released me from responsibility and, therefore, I learned to be more attentive with sharp things.
Should we buy adult cosmetics imitation for girls?
It’s well-known that the best client is the one who became a client in the childhood. That’s why restaurants have "children’s days" – they are both parent care and work for the future forming children’s demand and taste. Thus, restaurants bring up a future clients, people eating out when they grow up.
We live in a society where consumption plays the main role, and it’s important for the society to have people consuming nonstop. Children’s cosmetics is said to be harmless and even useful – it is conservation, multiplication and maintenance of the tradition to make up and "tune" the face. There is no simple answer to this question – should you buy or should not, allowed or forbidden. Think, why do you need the role of a "mother" and a "father"? How do you see your child in the future? When is this all not in vain? When will you be proud of your child? How important are the games she plays for the success of your project? If your daughter does make up to find her style, to look how it matches different clothes – this is one thing. If she does make up to get some attention, to be noticed by people, if this is the only way for her to feel beautiful – this is another thing. My daughter likes to dress up, draw, invent images, stage performances, do make up to my wife and her friends, besides she dreams of having a beauty parlor for animals. Any games of your child can build up future professional skills.
They sell "Little chemist," "Little physicist" kits, etc. What’s your opinion of such games?
The first question: who do I want my children to be? Independent or dependent, responsible or stupid, consumer or people with merit? When I have answers, it’s easier for me to decide what will be useful and harmful for my children. I will choose toys not because "doctors recommend" or "people usually buy," but because my children need something and it will be better for them. In this case I will take into account the children’s opinion, not mine. If children are interested in such kits, they gradually may fall in love with this activity to such a degree that it will become their profession.
