The most difficult for me, and indeed for all psychiatrists, were the patients with anorexia, bulimia and drug addicts. It was extremely hard to achieve healing, but sometimes it worked out well. I hated the latter cases. I never understood how it was possible to choose such a path on one’s own. However, the category of “psychopaths and hysteria” simply adored me. I really liked duty shifts. There, one could taste all the beauty of acute conditions and quickly solve asterisks marked clinical problems. The shifts reminded of an embrasure or a forefront line, where professionalism and tragedy, broken lives and human sincerity, sorrow and motivation, lies and truth, life and death were colliding.
Beside the dear nut house, my Life planet was also inhabited by other residents: my mother, my stepfather, Valentin, a pick-up artist and my university friend Daniel, a childhood friend Alevtina, occasionally appearing classmate Vova, as well as a wise and strong friend Julia, whom I sometimes affectionately called Julius, since she could solve any issue at all. There were no obstacles for her.
Trained as a process engineer, she established a company, that traded aviation equipment internationally around the world. Well-groomed, classy dressed, always in a new car, with two telephones and three kids on hand, she dashed into my office “for a morning coffee” like a Fury, blazing through all and everything on her way. Her charm and charisma were off the scale. She adored to live grand, managed to dwell in male business while raising three children, took care of herself and looked the age of twenty-five, when in fact, was thirty-eight. She was my personal psychotherapist, my spiritual mentor and just an incredibly cool chick.
“How are you?”
“Jul, I’m tired … I want a rest. No money at all, therefore, I don’t even want to go on vacation. You know, our field of medicine is very much identical to prostitution, but more complicated – you brain is fucked for free, at none of your permission. Came to work – got a dinero. Didn’t come – stay starving.”
“Listen up, then it’s time to announce the reception prices. Look at you, saint and hungry. Just imagine someone telling me: ‘Please, provide me a thermal imager for free, we have payment difficulties,’ in your opinion, would I gratify that request? Hell, no! First pay then play. I’ve got kids to feed and a vehicle to fuel. Well, I can understand everything. Like, you leave the clinic in the end of the day with all these brandies, sweets and champagnes of “gratitude” then get yourself to a gas station, to feed your “speed bird”, and tell them: ‘full tank, please!’. The gas station guy inserts the nozzle, meanwhile, you go to the counter, take out two bottles of brandy and a box of sweets and, I would suggest, smile and innocently add: ‘I am right away from the nut house.’ You see, in reality, the world no longer works like that. There is a cash equivalent to everything. Every job should be paid for.”
“Jul, you know my crowd yourself, don’t you? Most of them are just down- and-out, so what’s the talk is about?”
“Listen, I recently saw some poor patient of yours from the 7th ward. Tell you what? She was buying black caviar in the supermarket, while you were pitying her and prescribing medicine at a lower price. When did you eat black caviar for the last time yourself? Marie, it is the moment, that you should stop feeling sorry for everyone. Somehow, no one is feeling sorry for you. Just look at you, the shoulders are stooped, the eyes are sunken, you’ve lost in weight. Are you sleeping at all?”
“Well, I’m. Of course, it’s hard to travel 40 km from Lyubomyrovka every day, but I don’t want to rent an apartment. I feel comfortable there, with all that nature and beauty. Moreover, I think I have already forgotten the taste of caviar. Why would I tease myself then?
“Ooooh! That’s a typical poverty mindset. You deserve all the best in this world! Remember: it is not about you existing for the world, but about the world existing for you! How exactly do you plan to find a man for yourself? Want him to be local, or the one from the hospital?”
“Come on, Jul, that’ll do, will be found anyways.”
“Marie, a woman shall inspire a man to perform feats, bare responsibility for the family. But what kind of muse are you, when there is nothing in your life except that nut house? Young years pass by. Do you think someone will remember your name later, erect a monument in your honor? For the first thing, you should love yourself, be replete and then love will appear. You know, when one person is self-contained and happy and the other is, they meet and love reveals itself to them. Yet, if you are empty then men who come into your life are mother fucking crippled abusers. Never let them snub you. You should love yourself. Estamos?”
That motivational monologue was interrupted by yet another call from the US. Pointing at the phone and waving good bye, Julia rushed to retreat.
I went to have a walk and ponder over the words of my Guru. When it was especially hard, my relief was in walking through the historical places of my dear nut house. I imagined carriages and ladies in beautiful gowns, who majestically hosted their dignified guests in that older estate. I also imagined myself to be a beautiful evening dress, with a parasol in my hand, heading for a festive ceremony, enjoying the singing of birds, the sights of birches and the light summer breeze, in anticipation of a night ball-dance. Julia was right, I was always tired. It is hard to live in the shine-for-the-others-burn- yourself mode. Where does this femininity come from? I am ashamed to take money. I cannot say: “This will cost that much”, let them give as much as they can and…
The mobile vibration from the pocket of my white robe took me away from my thoughts.
Incoming: “Julius”.
“And baby, do understand, you are our ray of sunshine! Remember how we met? When Iliya died, I was beside myself with despair. With three kids on hand, I hardly understood anything in his business. If it were not for you then, I would have never struggled my way out. I love you very much, my dear soul! Everything in the world is so simple and complicated at the same time, that sometimes you start feeling awkward of the unbearable lightness of being. The most important thing is that you act and go for your dream, crawl if you can’t move or lie down in its direction if you can’t crawl! Still, dream on and be clear about what you want. Lifestyle is determined by consciousness. Means, everything will come. It will definitely come true, no matter how complicated things might be, but it comes in the best implementation possible. Just take a step forward! Reconstruct your thinking! Everything will work out! You can get whatever you want. The Universe is benevolent to you and to everyone if you do good in the world. But give yourself a rest and start dreaming on a grand scale! You will meet your love. I am going to take an active part in your wedding celebration. Chins up, Gardes-Marines! Define your dreams. That’s it, love you, regards from the kids.”
The conversation was over. I trudged back to work. 27 years… When I was into the high school studies, there was “no time to mix with the boys”. In addition, mom would not welcome that sort of company and I couldn’t disobey. That sense of guilt pursued me and also, I did not want to let her down. I wanted to be the best for her. “First and foremost is the study”, “you have to rely on yourself”, “you have to succeed as a professional”, “you may consider to have a child only after you become a firm proficient expert”, “all men betray” – these attitudes and beliefs sprouted through me like bamboo, destroying my female nature. This is how iron maidens are raised, who, no doubt, attract crippled men into their lives. The rule is single. Julia’s rights.
We met each other when her husband Iliya was shot. She was in a terrible state when came to an appointment with me. However, together we found the motivation to live and then became friends. In general, according to all psychotherapeutic practice canons, it was not right. Although, the world is bigger than just psychotherapeutic practice. There are people in the Universe sent to you for emotional bond and every person brings his or her knowledge into your existence. The utmost important thing here is to be able to see and hear the prompts… She was my true and devoted friend.
